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“I think it would be wise for me to skip the wake,” Luke says out of the blue.
I swing my stare up to him in horror. “What?”
He’s clearly agonized over this, his face pained. “I’ve paid my respects, Lo. You can’t stop people from being curious about me, and I honestly feel if I turn up at the wake, that curiosity will be fueled. I’ll just be giving Linda more ammunition. I’m not prepared to put you in that position.” He looks across the cemetery to check we’re now alone before he wraps an arm around my neck and pulls me into his chest, cuddling me with a strength I’m envious of. “I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you walk into the church.”
I relax into him, grateful for his hug. For the first time today, I feel calm and stable. I know he’s right. I know asking Luke to accompany me would be deemed inappropriate. But he’s my best friend.
“I’ll have my phone on hand. The second you need me to come get you, call, okay?”
I nod into his chest, bracing myself to face the wake alone.
I’ve always wondered what it must feel like to be the center of attention. To reduce a room to silence when you enter it. Now I know. Horrendous would be the word. The large room at Billy’s old football club is packed with people, all holding drinks, all staring at me as I enter. It’s all I can do not to turn and run away. Breathing in deeply, I head straight for the bar. Within seconds, I’m surrounded by six people who want to buy me a drink. I say yes to them all. Wine, wine, wine, wine, and two more wines. My first goes down in one go. I’ll drink my way through the rest of the day. It’s the only way I’ll survive it.
“Lo, I’m so sorry,” says Stu, Billy’s ex work colleague.
“He was a blinding bloke,” Lee, an old school friend, tells me.
“How are you coping?” someone else asks. I don’t know who.
“Such a waste of life,” Billy’s ex college tutor muses sadly. I’m hugged and showered with commiserations while I keep my faithful wine in my hand, gulping it down as I listen to them all. Gareth, Penny, Lewis, and Helen all hug me, but they don’t say anything other than asking me if I want another drink. Yes, I want another drink. More drinks. Line them up.
“Take as much time off as you need to,” Scarlett says, clucking my cheek like a child.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Matthew adds.
I’ve been here only an hour and I’ve had as much as I can take. Sorry. My condolences. My deepest sympathy. He was a good man. Such a waste of life. I might scream if I hear any more. I feel like I’m drowning, and no matter how hard I kick my legs, I can’t get to the surface. I pour another glass of wine down my throat as I listen to Billy’s mother’s neighbor tell me what a delightful child Billy was. How he radiated happiness. Then Linda catches my eye and I know immediately that she’s had a few drinks herself. Understandably, of course. She’s lost her son. But Linda, alcohol, and her grief means I’m undoubtedly in for an earful. I breathe in as she stomps her way over to me and use the time it takes to drink yet more wine in an attempt to numb myself.
“Didn’t bring your lover to your husband’s funeral then?” she seethes, drawing attention from every corner of the room. I deflate and grit my teeth, not prepared to get pulled into her showdown.
“He’s a friend.”
She scoffs, looking me up and down like I’m filth. “You’re disgusting.”
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
“He’s a friend who supported me.” I speak resolutely, clearly, and concisely. “Billy thanked Luke for that face to face, and you know it.”
“Billy didn’t know what he was talking about. He was dying.”
The whole room is watching now, ears twitching to know the juicy details. “He knew exactly what he was talking about,” I counter, realizing in this exact moment that he really did. He was lucid and calm. Accepting and relieved. He took comfort in the fact that he could pass over to the other world, knowing I wouldn’t be alone. Because, let’s face it, I had no one except Billy. His mum never really liked me. His father is indifferent. My own mother died, and my father is living in ignorant bliss on the other side of the world. Our friends have their own lives, and . . .
There was no one else.
I had no one.
Then I had someone.
I had Luke.
I have Luke.
“I don’t need to justify myself to you. The only person I care about is Billy, and he understood Luke’s and my friendship. He accepted it. I won’t let you tarnish your son’s good intentions. I won’t let you make something beautiful seem sordid and wrong.” I finish my wine and face the peanut gallery, wondering where all those words came from. All true words. Words I’ve struggled to find and accept for days. “Thank you so much for coming, it means more than you’ll know.” I grab my purse and skirt past Linda, hearing her gasped disgust as I escape.
