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Yoshimi's face falls. "Oh, Jack. What's happened to you?"
I look away, unable to meet her gaze. "I just don't see the point, you know? I have everything I could possibly want - money, success, a beautiful mansion - but it's all meaningless. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, like I'm not really living. So I don’t care any more whether I live or die.”
“A bit dramatic…don’t you think?”
“Fine. Maybe,” I admit. “But I really fucking liked that woman. How many women have I really liked in the past few years?”
“True.” She glances at the coffee table close to me and sees my copies of Hemingway’s first book. “Are you reading Hemingway…while you’re working out?”
I shrug. “Yeah.”
She picks upThe Sun Also Risesand thumbs through it. “That’s only going make you more depressed.” Yoshimi gives me a funny look and comes to sit next to me. "You're not alone, Jack. We all have those moments where we feel lost and empty. But you can't give up. You have to keep fighting."
I shake my head. "I don't know if I have the strength to fight anymore. Fay broke my heart. Amelia won’t pick up my calls."
She takes my hand in hers. "You're one of the strongest people I know, Jack. You've overcome so much in your life. You can get through this too."
I sigh. "I wish I had your optimism. Amelia blocked me everywhere. What am I supposed to do, go back to her on my knees, begging for forgiveness for something I didn’t even do? If she would have just let me explain. If I wouldn’t have locked up…”
“I don’t understand. What does she think you did that was so bad?”
I don’t feel like getting into the details with her. It’s too painful. Plus, I don’t want Yoshimi to feel guilty.
For years I didn’t think I’d feel that real light-hearted, frivolous yet deep love, and I felt it.
“But it feels like no matter what I do, I can't escape this darkness inside of me."
"Then let me help you," Yoshimi says softly. "Tell me what's going on. Maybe together we can find a way out of this."
I hesitate, not sure if I'm ready to face my demons. But there's something about the way Yoshimi is looking at me, with such kindness and understanding, that makes me want to open up to her.
"It's just been a tough few months," I begin. "I've been feeling like I'm not good enough, like I'm a failure. I know it's ridiculous - I've achieved more than most people could ever dream of - but it doesn't matter. I feel like I'm constantly disappointing everyone, especially myself."
Yoshimi nods sympathetically. "I know how that feels. It's hard to shake the feeling that you're not measuring up, even when you're doing your best. But you are good enough, Jack. You are more than enough. You just need to believe it."
I shake my head, overwhelmed by the weight of my own inadequacy. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe it. I feel like I'm stuck in this endless cycle of self-doubt and disappointment."
"You don't have to be," Yoshimi says gently. "There are things you can do to help yourself. Like seeking therapy, or finding ways to manage your stress and anxiety. And you don't have to do it alone. I'm here for you, and I know there are other people who care about you too."
I let out a bitter laugh. "Like who? I've pushed everyone away. I'm a hermit, holed up in this mansion for weeks at a time. I'm not even sure I have any friends left."
Yoshimi's expression softens. "Is this about Amelia? Jack, I know you were devastated when she left, but you can't let it consume you like this. You have to find a way to move on and heal."
I close my eyes, the pain of Amelia's departure still fresh in my mind. "She was the only woman I've ever loved. I can't love again. I'm done with love."
"Oh, Jack," Yoshimi says, her voice laced with sadness. "Love isn't a finite resource. Just because you've loved and lost doesn't mean you can't love again. You're still young, and there are so many amazing people out there waiting to be loved by you. Like that supermodel I was telling you about. She's gorgeous and successful, and I think you two would hit it off."
I shake my head, not wanting to hear it. "I'm not interested in dating anyone, let alone a supermodel. I don't think I'm ready for that yet."
"I understand how you feel," Yoshimi says. "But you can't let fear hold you back from living your life. You deserve happiness, Jack. You deserve to find love and joy again. You just have to be brave enough to take the chance, even if it's just one date with a supermodel."
I sigh, knowing she means well but not sure if I'm ready to start dating again. "I appreciate the thought, Yoshimi, but I just don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm still trying to get over Amelia and the pain of our breakup."
She takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. "I understand. It's okay to take things slow and not rush into anything. But just know that I'm here for you, and I'll support you however I can. We'll get through this together, okay?"
I look into her eyes, filled with compassion and determination.
“I need a plan.”
