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I shake my head.
“Is there someone else?”
I take a deep breath. “I have been seeing someone, yes.”
I don’t know ifseeingis the word I’m looking for exactly. But falling. Totally.
He holds a hand up. “That’s totally within your right. Don’t tell me who. I don’t want to know. It’s…okay.”
I laugh. “Yeah, I know it’s okay. We broke up. You didn’t want to get married, remember? You didn’t want to have a family. And those things are important to me.”
I take a deep breath and consider his words. I don't want to hurt either of them, but at the same time, I want to explore my feelings for both of them.
“I want those things, too.”
"I'll stay at the retreat with you, Jansen," I say slowly. "And we'll see how things go. But I don't want to lead you on. I’m just not sure right now.”
I feel like there’s something there I need to explore.
“I understand,” he says. “And that’s totally justified.”
A year ago, I would have married Jansen in an instant. I felt like I was desperate, almost begging him for a ring.
Now I no longer feel that way.
The holidays were hard without him this year. I shed tears.
But it really is true what they say.
When you truly stop looking, you find exactly what you want.
I’ve got some deep thinking to do. Good thing I’m at a yoga retreat.
* * *
That afternoon,Nora and I sit down at an oceanside bar and shoot the breeze with our toes in the sand.
I’m happy the setting is so relaxing. Because I amnotokay right now.
After the incredible, really, magical night I spent with Jack last night, I’m bowled over by a surprise I didn’t see coming. Nor did I want.
Now she's trying to defend him and his actions. If she weren’t such an amazing sister in general, I would be hearing none of it. But I’m always willing to hear what Nora has to say.
"Nora, you know how much he hurt me," I say, trying to keep my voice steady.
“Sis, you know I love you. But didn’t you…break up with him? What do you mean, ‘he hurt you?’”
Okay, technically? She’s correct.
“I broke up with him because he couldn’t commit. And I deserve better.”
“You’re right.”
“Did we not have this conversation before I broke up with him?”
“I know, I know, we did.”
“So..?”
