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Standing on the darkened patio, Holly’s chest was tight, and she struggled to breathe. Struggled to think. How did this night go so terribly wrong? Her mates thought she didn’t want them. She had thought after the trek to find the hoard and her conversation with Kallan she’d been clear to them that she wanted this, but had she? She had said the words, hadn’t she? It’d only been a few weeks, for the Realm’s sake. She had told them she wanted this.
But had she shown them? A little voice whispered the question in her head. Had she shown them she wanted them? Not with physical acts but with her actions. She spun around and fled, away from the manor and the darkened doorway her mates had disappeared into. Her footsteps carried her off the patio and into the dark night. The blackness was like a cloak that fell upon the manor as she ran aimlessly down the path, thoughts whirling.
In a way, they weren’t wrong about tonight. She hadn’t defended them to her papa, so sure that the way to manage him was to manage his emotions, but her mates’ words had her analyzing everything in a new light. Taking a deep breath against the stitch in her side, she slowed to a walk as she tried to sort through her whirling thoughts to see what they were seeing, to see what she was missing.
She hadn’t defended them to her papa—hadn’t thought she needed to, if she was honest with herself. She thought they had known what they meant to her, but it was clear from their words they didn’t know, even if she’d thought they did.
Her papa…
She took another breath and tried to look at his behavior from the eyes of a stranger. As she thought through his first interactions with them all the way up to tonight, Holly cringed. She still didn’t think her papa was a traitor to the Realm, but she couldn’t deny he had been rude. If not an asshole, as Bethany would have called him. And she had sat in silence, had said that’s just how he is. She winced again. She could see now how that would have hurt her mates. She would have been hurt if one of their parents had acted like that to her.
And she realized her papa being the way he was had also caused her not to share more about herself or her childhood. All of her memories were colored by her parents, like many other young adults. She loved her papa and her mama, but her childhood hadn’t been the happiest, if she was honest. But over and over, it had been drilled into her that a person’s duty came before their happiness. And her papa had always been so pleased when she used her Empath magic to manage the emotions at his dinners. And her mama had found peace when Holly had managed hers. And that made Holly feel useful and needed. It was also the only time she really received affection from her parents, she realized. When they needed her. But with her mates…
They had shown her affection from the start. And that had thrown Holly off, but she had wanted it. Did want it. Did want them.
Holly took a deep breath and realized her feet had brought her to Andy and Helene’s cottage. What a fitting place for her past and present to collide. The very place she would escape to as a child was the very place she found herself now. And she had escaped here. Childhood Holly and teenage Holly had known what adult Holly was struggling to see. That something had been wrong. The pressure from her papa to manage other people’s emotions was wrong. It had hurt Holly, she realized. And he had known that, hadn’t he? There was no way he could have missed her being sick. He had even caught her a few times losing the contents of her stomach. He had known it was hurting her and had done it anyway. Had put even more pressure on her.
But her mates…
As soon as they realized the Empath magic was hurting her, Kallan and Kieran had whisked them away to the Fae lands so she could learn about it. Synora helped her ground it with her earth magic so she could control it. All of them had cared about Holly for more than her magic.
Could she say the same about her papa?
Holly’s stomach was nauseous as her Empath magic lashed against its walls, helping her realize that the “guilt” she had carried around for not being able to do her duty was really anger.
Her stomach dropped out from under her as that realization sparked another one. The walls her Empath magic was lashing against—she had built them. Had built them to protect herself, or so she thought. But what if she had built them out of pure stubbornness? From being unwilling to actually acknowledge her emotions, or from years of her papa dismissing concerns about her health? She had built walls around her Empath magic, either to protect her from it, or to protect it from her. She had been stifling it for years, trying to push it aside to avoid the pain, to avoid it. Because if she didn’t have Empath magic, then none of this would have happened. Except, that wasn’t true. If her papa hadn’t pushed her, hadn’t put this pressure on her, she would never have built the walls. Would never have had the contentious relationship she had with it. It wasn’t her magic’s fault that this had happened, it was her papa’s.
At the realization, her Empath magic settled in her center, going suddenly quiet. For the first time in a long time, it didn’t feel like Holly shared her body with an invader, but instead, maybe a scared and hurt bit of herself. Something she had punished instead of focusing on the real issue at hand. Her papa had been wrong. Maybe he didn’t know it at the time, but he had been the one pushing her for his ambitions without caring if Holly paid the price. And she had been so desperate to please him because it was the only time he had shown her attention. Especially after her Empath magic presented itself.
She wanted to kick herself for not realizing all this sooner. She could have prevented so much pain and heartache for not only herself but for others, for her mates. She looked back at the quiet, dark manor house. She could give her mates space tonight, but it wasn’t too late to have a long conversation with her papa about his behavior. She could start there.
She turned away from the cottage, her steps marching toward her house. This time Holly didn’t bother knocking, instead letting herself in with a quick touch of her magic against the wards. The house was silent, but light still shone softly from under her papa’s study door. Good. He was still awake.
Even though she was sure of her plans, she still took a deep breath before pushing open the door, ready to confront her papa. The empty study took the wind out of her sails. A sole lamp in the corner provided the soft light that Holly had seen under the door. Maybe he had just stepped out for the night? As Holly scanned the desk, though, she could see it was clean of any paperwork, and his pen box was latched shut—a sure sign he was done for the night. With his work, at least.
She shut the door softly behind her and walked farther into the room. She took in the empty chairs and frowned. All that buildup for nothing. Her papa must have forgotten to shut the lamp off when he went to bed. Her shoulders relaxed as the tension from the planned confrontation melted away.
She turned back around, ready to go back to the manor house and confront him tomorrow, when she paused. She didn’t think her papa was a traitor, but her mates had suspicions. And she didn’t know if she shared them, but now was the perfect time to do a little snooping and put the issue to rest once and for all.
With a glance at the door, she crossed over to it and flicked the lock. It wouldn’t prevent a magic user from coming in, but it would give her warning. She briefly wondered if her papa had just gone to the kitchen for a drink. Her Empath magic rose in her center. Instead of lashing out to be used, it softly pushed against its walls. Finding an uneasy peace with her, maybe?
Holly was willing to accept it, so she let it out and directed it to scan the house for occupants. She frowned when it returned. There were two people sleeping in separate bedrooms upstairs—her papa and mama, likely—but no one else was stirring in the house.
Feeling better with that information, Holly turned back to her papa’s desk. The surface was clean and orderly, but Holly still rifled through the few scattered pieces of paper. She smiled as she remembered the messy desk of Gracyn, Synora’s mother. What a difference between the two.
The drawers were surprisingly not locked, and Holly rifled quickly through them. Nothing. But her papa was too smart to leave anything incriminating out. Sinking to her knees, she ran her fingertips around all the drawers and ridges, trying to find a hidden panel or latch. Still nothing.
Rocking back on her heels, she frowned, biting the inside of her cheek as she thought. Her eyes traced around the room, trying to think of alternative hiding places her papa might have stashed things. Her gaze caught on the paneling that wrapped around the lower half of the walls. Her eyes widened. The hidden cabinet in the wall!
When she was little, she used to play in her papa’s office, sometimes under his desk and sometimes in this hidden cabinet her papa had made for her. It was essentially a box, only three feet by three feet, but for a six-year-old, it was the coolest playground. She often snuck in there to play sometimes, even while he had his meetings. It was actually how they had figured out she had Empath magic.
She frowned as she thought back to that day. She had almost forgotten about this memory. Her papa had been meeting with some man when the man had started shouting at her papa. She remembered wishing for the man to stop and calm down, and when silence fell, she had peeked her little head out from behind the panel to see the man in an almost catatonic state, slumped in his chair. She had been terrified, but her papa had gently called her over and helped her on his lap. He had asked if she had thought about anything specific. When she had nodded tearfully, he hushed her and asked if she could think of the man signing a piece of paper. When she had, she upset her stomach for the first time and had thrown up on her papa. She had thought he would be angry, but he just smiled a slow smile and told her she was a good girl. A good little puppet.
Holly wanted to vomit now for a different reason as the memory played in her mind. It was the first time he had used what would become a common nickname for her. His little puppet. She hadn’t thought about that day in years; it was like her brain had hidden it away. She had been so blind. So naive. She bit the inside of her cheek, the pain distracting her from her swirling thoughts and emotions.
She crawled over to the panel just behind his desk. Pressing her fingers along the carved buttons surrounding the panel, she pushed down gently till she heard a soft click. The panel swung open a few inches into her hands, and she scooted back to pull it all the way open.
It was empty.
