AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I sat there for a long time, my elbows on the desk, my face buried in my hands, letting the feelings wash over me, the agony of it all. It was the only way I could cope with it, just to feel it. Because it was absolutely necessary that I get all the grief out of my system before Dante got home. The only possible way I could tell him the insurance had been approved and that he could move out now was to be completely unemotional in front of him. He could never know how much me letting him go and him leaving was tearing me up, because then he’d try and look after me, and that would make it one hundred times harder.
CHAPTER39
Dante
Ieased the car slowly down Lucy’s street. The long drive from the base had done a lot to clear my head and given me the chance to process some of what Stef had said, and I was almost ready to talk to Lucy about it. Test the waters a little. Pulling into the driveway, I stared through the windshield at the house. The porch light was on and she must have been in the office, since strips of light edged the blind. It was very welcoming. It felt like home. More like home than anywhere I’d ever lived, I realized. That shocked me, but why should it? The love of my life was in there. Wherever she was, that was home.
Did I have the courage to tell her? To let go of all the b.s. from my childhood and my parents, and take a chance on us? Or was I too chicken shit? Imagining myself walking through the door, taking her in my arms and saying, “Lucia, I love you. I want us to be together forever, and I want to be the father our baby deserves” had my legs turning to jelly. Maybe it was better if I just stayed in the car—
Fuck, don’t be a coward.
I made a deal with myself: I’d take my cue from her. If her face lit up in welcome, I’d tell her. If not, I wouldn’t. For now, at least.
I got out of the car, walked up the drive to the porch, my hand shaking slightly as I opened the front door.
“Hey!” She opened her office door the moment I stepped into the front hall, looking heartbreakingly gorgeous in dark jeans and a knitted top, her hair hanging loose in that way I loved.
“Hi.”
“Great news.” Her tone was unnaturally bright, with a brittle edge to it.
“Yeah?” I tamped down on the urge to pull her into my arms and kiss her.
“We got the approval.”
I stared at her, unable to process her words for a moment. “Huh?”
“The insurance. They approved it. I got the call this afternoon. They were trying to get through to you, but I guess your phone was off.”
“Oh. Yeah. I was catching up with Stef before she headed home.”
“Right. Of course. She dropped in here to say goodbye, too.”
“She mentioned that.”“She seemed out of sorts,”and“I can’t quite get a read on her.”Me either, right now, Stef, but one thing was for damn sure: my wife was not open to a declaration of love right now. Her whole demeanor screamedback off, from what I could tell.
“So anyway, it’s all good. We’re in the clear. Such a relief, right?”
“Right.”
She lifted her chin, not quite looking at me when she said. “And, you know, thanks so much for everything. I’m sure you’ll be relieved to head back to base without this hanging over your head anymore.”
Thisas in the insurance, or thisas in our marriage? I couldn’t tell, and I was way too much of a fucking coward to ask. So I just said, “Yeah, it is a relief, that’s for sure.” Did she flinch slightly? I wasn’t sure. We stood there for a moment that seemed to drag out for an eternity before I said, “Well, I guess I’ll pack up and get out of your hair.”
“Okay. I’ll leave you to it.” She moved by me into her office and closed the door with a resolute click. It seemed so final that the simple action had my heart screaming. I fought the urge to shove the door open and barge in. No. The deal I’d made with myself was I’d take my cue from her. Well, she was telling me loud and clear what she wanted. It would be the definition of pathetic for me to beg her to feel something she obviously didn’t.
I turned away, walking down the hall to our bedroom.Lucy’sbedroom, I corrected myself. It had never been mine. Going to the wardrobe, I pulled out all my belongings and my duffel bag and laid everything on the bed, swallowing around the lump in my throat.
I changed out of my uniform into jeans and a fitted sweater, packed my clothes and shoes into the bag, went into the bathroom, dumped my toiletries into a smaller bag, then dropped that into the duffel bag, zipping it closed. Done.
This was it. This was goodbye. It had taken me less than ten minutes to remove myself from Lucy’s life, which seemed ridiculous, considering that it would take me a lifetime to get over her.
As if she sensed my presence, she opened her office door when I reached it as I came back down the hallway. “Here.” Her tone was flat, and she still wasn’t looking me straight in the eye.
I held out my hand to take what she was giving me. My heart lurched and thudded painfully when I realized it was her wedding and engagement rings. “Thanks.” I couldn’t believe how normal, how calm, my voice sounded. I put them in my back pocket, along with the sketch I always kept there. It would probably be for the best if I just bit the bullet and threw that picture away. No more tormenting myself with what I could never have.
“Um…” She shot me a look from under her lashes, her gaze unreadable. “Did you want to go to Alfredo’s before you head off?”
The best and safest answer would have been no. Then I could get out of here now, before my heart shattered into a million pieces. “Sure, that’d be nice.”
