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He shrugged before grabbing the sparkling cider and pouring their glasses full. “I remember almost everything.”
“You absolutely do.” She grasped her chest again. “I can’t believe you did all of this. When did you have time or a private moment to plan this?”
“I’ve been working on it since yesterday. It wasn’t easy with all of us huddled together so close the past few days, but I got it done. I really hope you like it.”
“I… love it.” Her voice quaked. “It’s probably the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me.”
“You deserve it. You’ve been so brave and so good to me. Your homecoming was supposed to be easy, restful, and restorative. It’s been anything but, and I wanted to show you how much I appreciate you being… well, you.”
“Oh, Killion.” She stood and moved to his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I’ve been more worried about you than anything. You’re taking all of this on and blaming yourself unnecessarily. I’m not brave, I’m terrified… for you. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“But I do. I don’t want this for you… for us.”
“I know you don’t.” She kissed him. “I don’t either, but it’s the hand we were dealt, and we’re going to roll with it and see it through. End it for good. Just me and you and those beautiful babies of ours.”
“I don’t understand how you can be so optimistic,” he admitted.
“Optimistic? I have two choices. Fight or give up, and I’m choosing fight. Like you did that first night when you were bringing me home. I almost gave up that night and practically did until you scooped me up and wouldn’t let me. I had my cry, and now I’m done. I’m choosing not to give up. I’m angry for you, but never at you. I’m frightened with you, but not of you. I’ve lived in fear a lot of my life and choose not to anymore. I’m determined not to let it get the best of me. I’m conquering the fear just like you are. I want to be strong for our babies… and you.”
“I’m not strong. Not like you,” he shared. “I’m not conquering anything, Rainy. That shit consumes me every minute of every day. That’s not brave. I’m hanging on by a thread most days because this is all so new to me. Before I just did my job and went home at the end of the night. It was easy. Now, I have you and those babies, and it’s not the same. It’s like I’m always one step away from losing… everything.”
“Not going to happen. You won’t let it. I know you. This is no different than fighting for your brothers, sisters, or your cousins. You’ve done it and done it well as long as I’ve known you. Your track record tells the story beyond that. Killion, you’re not failing, you’re just facing a different monster. One who wants something you refuse to give up. You’ve battled many before but this is a war. Of course, it’s different.”
“It’s because of you,” Killion said. “It’s because I can’t lose you again, and I can’t lose the babies. Not that I was willing to lose my siblings or cousins in past cases, but it was different. It’s like… they all get a little piece of my heart, and it stings when they’re hurting, but you… you’re my whole heart, Rainy. The thought of bringing harm to you and the twins is more than a sting. It’s more than that. Something I can’t put into words.”
“I know,” she whispered, putting her hand on his chest over his heart. “I have that feeling too, Killion.”
“I’m proud of you, you know,” he said. “I admire your strength and resilience.”
“I wasn’t always that way. You helped me with that, even before when you knew me as Jenny. You had no idea what I’d been through, yet you believed in me from the very first day when you asked me for help on that case. It all started there, Killion.”
“You’re highly trained, both tactically and behind a computer screen from your time at Safe Haven. Thanks to Brody,” he said. “You didn’t get that from me.”
“He trained me, sure. But you… you believed in me. Those are two very different things. It gave me a sense of confidence I didn’t know I was lacking. You made me want to be stronger and resilient, like you mentioned. You know I was only supposed to help you with that first case, then disappear again. But I couldn’t. I needed to be around you, be with you.”
“Why?”
“Because you were the first person to see only me. Not the trauma. Not a victim. Just… Rainy.” She paused. “Well, technically Jenny then, but even the night you brought me home… I was a wreck. You didn’t smother me and certainly didn’t let my brothers smother me. You didn’t try to fix me. You let me be… me.”
“I didn’t know how to fix it other than to let you work through it and sit nearby in case… you needed me.”
“Which is exactly my point. You know my heart and soul. You know what I need and don’t need whether you realize it or not. You’re exactly what I needed…”
“I didn’t realize.” Killion looked down at the table, unable to meet her stare as he processed what she’d said, wondering if it really was that simple. So simple and it came naturally to him without a second thought.
“You didn’t have a chance to overthink or overanalyze it. You just felt it, right?” she asked, earning his attention again as he nodded and looked her in the eye. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, Killion. I know this has been difficult for you for many reasons, but mostly because you feel responsible. Not only for what’s happening but also responsible for the solution. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I wish I could carry some of it for you.”
He snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her against his body. “Having you here makes it all lighter. The thought of losing you again or something happening to you is more than I could bear.”
“Lucky for you, I’m not going anywhere.” She smiled with a little tease. “You’re stuck with me. I’m in it for the long haul, right by your side. For the good and for the ugly.”
He rested his head against her chest. “Good. Because I couldn’t do it without you. When I say you and those kids are my whole heart, I mean all of it.”
“You could, and you would, and you’d do it exceptionally well. You just don’t have to do it alone, and neither do I. Thankfully, we don’t have to,” she said.
He turned his gaze back to hers. “Promise me something. No matter what happens, no matter what comes of all of this… If something happens to me…”
“Nothing is going to happen to you, Killion.”
