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“I think this is the last of it,” Killion said, placing a physical therapy band on a rolling cart.
Rainy looked around the room as she sat at the edge of her bed. “I can’t believe it’s finally time to go. It felt like I was never going to get out of here.”
“I’m sure it did,” he replied, placing her overnight bag on the bed next to her. “Someone will grab the stuff on the cart and take it over to Watermark. Do you want this bag with you or—”
“I don’t need it.” She interrupted. “Sorry. I didn’t mean…”
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as Killion stood speechless and emotionless.
“I think I’m nervous. Feeling a little overwhelmed,” she admitted. “In a good way, of course.”
“There’s nothing to be nervous about. Everything is set up at Watermark. I have your schedule for physical therapy in place. Your room is…”
“Killion. That’s not what I mean.” She awkwardly chuckled. “I’m sure you have everything under control at Watermark. So much so, it’s a little intimidating. The way you’ve taken care of the twins. Balanced their schedule and mine here. It’s pretty impressive, and I’m… still not quite me.”
Her words were lost on him as his literal mind prevented him from understanding just what she was saying. “Not quite you?”
“Yeah. Meaning I’m not quite back to my old self. Feeling a little slower, not as with it, have a little way to go yet before I’m a hundred percent, ya know?”
“Oh. Sure. I get it.” He nodded. “You went through a great deal. A traumatic brain injury and traumatic birth on their own are a lot to deal with and can require substantial recovery and you went through both. As it is, you’re improving faster than statistics and, well, science say you should.”
“Maybe, but I can’t help but feel like it isn’t enough.” She dropped her gaze to her lap where her hands were fidgeting in a seemingly anxious manner. “I can walk on my own now, but I can’t run. I can feed myself, but I wear my food sometimes. My stamina has increased substantially, but I’m also easily tired.”
“All to be expected,” Killion said, leaning against the windowsill while peering outside between the blinds. “It’ll all come back in time.”
“I know. That’s what the doctors say, but…” She looked up at him and watched, unable to say another word.
Her silence and incomplete thought caught Killion’s attention, and he was quick to turn to her with concern.
“Are you okay?” He stepped closer, looking her up and down. “Do you need something? Anything?”
She shook her head and wore a weak smile, and that’s when he noticed her tear-filled eyes. He was so focused on the physical, he hadn’t considered the emotional pieces she was struggling with. Mostly because he didn’t read them or understand them himself. His only clue was the tears.
“Something’s wrong, am I right?” he asked.
“Yes and no.” She wiped away a tear and put the weak smile back in place. “I don’t know. I’m just a mess.”
“You look fine to me,” he replied.
She chuckled. “I meant… I’m a mess mentally as much as physically. A little emotional today, Killion.”
“Oh.” His short comment wasn’t lost on her, and he could see it. Anyone who knew him –– and knew him well –– understood his deficit in this area.
Rainy didn’t make a big deal of it, however, she understood it because she understood him. “I’ve been looking forward to this day for weeks –– the day I get to be with our babies all the time and not just for visits, and it’s finally here. But… I’m afraid.”
Afraid. That piqued Killion’s interest because it was something he’d been grappling with himself, but he’d bet for entirely different reasons.
“Why are you afraid?” he asked.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe because I’m exhausted by the time you leave with them and it’s only been a handful of hours. Or my arms ache when I hold them long. When they cry… I’m guessing what they need.”
Killion just stared at her.
“It’s silly, isn’t it? Maybe I’m just overwhelmed, and it really isn’t that big of a deal.” She brushed it off and he could see Rainy suddenly seemed uncomfortable, and he didn’t want that. Not when she was with him.
“I don’t think it’s silly. I think it means you care… a lot. A bad mom probably wouldn’t put as much thought into it. You’re not a bad mom, Rainy, and you’ll do just fine.”
“I hope so.” The tears were threatening again. “They’re my whole heart, Killion. Being here and not able to care for them… it’s nearly destroyed me. I’ll never be able to make up this time with them, and I hope… I’m enough.”
