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But now, she had access to anything her heart desired. And maybe itwaschildish and silly to get so excited over kids’ movies, but she didn’t really care. Dean hadn’t said anything about her watching Frozen, so maybe he didn’t care, either.
Or maybe he was just too polite to make fun of her to her face. The thought hit her just as she was taking her last bite of grilled cheese, and suddenly, she found it nearly impossible to swallow.
Was that what he was doing? Waiting for just the right moment to rub her childish ways in her face? It didn’t seem like something he would do, but then again, she didn’t actually know him very well at all.
Picking up the remote, she switched apps. It didn’t even matter which one, anything would be more appropriate than kids’ movies, right?
Settling on a documentary about some historical event she wasn’t remotely interested in, she choked down the rest of her soup. When the bowl was empty, she forced herself to pick up the tray and rise from the couch so she could carry her dirty dishes down the stairs.
And silently cursed herself for not waiting when she found Dean in the kitchen, standing by the instant coffee maker. He glanced up when she walked in, a seemingly genuine smile spread across his face.
God, he really was handsome. Too handsome for her, of course, which just made her stomach sink even further toward the floor.
“Hey there. Is your movie over already?”
“Yes,” she lied without hesitation. There was absolutely no way she was going to explain she’d been embarrassed and turned it off. That would just give him more ammunition. “Where would you like me to put my dishes?”
“Rinse out the bowl, and then you can just stack them in the dishwasher. We’ll run it after dinner.”
“Okay.” Every one of her muscles felt stiff, like they were protesting any movement on her part as she crossed the kitchen to do as she’d been told.
When she was done, she turned to find him holding his fresh cup of coffee, watching her with an indecipherable expression on his face.Probably thinking about how weird you are,that nasty little voice in her head whispered.
She knew who the voice belonged to. But knowing it and silencing it were two very different things.
Besides, the voice probably had a point. Because she was weird, and everyone who had ever come into contact with her knew it.
The only person who’d never made her feel weird or different had been Nate. And he’d turned out to be a psychopath.
What did that say about her?
It was all too much, more than she could bear, and she heard herself snapping at him before she’d even taken a second to weigh the consequences of such an action. “Why are you staring at me?”
Eyes wide, he held up his empty hand as if indicating his surrender. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to be creepy.”
Pressure grew in her chest, like someone blowing up a balloon. All the things she wanted to say seemed to fill her up, threatening to burst out of her.
But, as she’d always done, she shoved them back down into that seemingly infinite box inside her where she kept all the things she’d never dared to speak out loud. “It’s fine.”
Turning on her heel, she did give in to one little urge and stomped her feet as she left the kitchen. It was even more childish than watching Disney movies all day, but it made her feel a little bit better.
At the bottom of the steps, she paused, staring up at the sprawling second floor above her. Returning to her room, hiding there, had been almost a knee-jerk reaction. But now the thought of sitting there and watching some boring old documentary filled her with something almost like dread.
All of a sudden, the house felt very much like a prison. She wanted to be outside, where she could breathe, and where maybe, for a few minutes at least, she wouldn’t have to worry about acting weird or saying the wrong thing.
She was halfway to the back of the house when she remembered Rule Four: No going outside without telling Dean first.
But really, it was only the backyard. And she just needed a few minutes of fresh air and then she’d come right back inside. If she went and asked Dean, he’d probably want to come with her, and then she wouldn’t be able to relax at all, which would defeat the entire purpose.
“I am a grown ass woman,” she mumbled as she stomped up to the door that led to the backyard. “I can go outside for two minutes if I want to.”
Yanking the door open, she stepped through and took a deep breath. Eyes closed, she focused on the feel of the late autumn breeze on her skin, the bite of that chill as it filled her lungs. The scent of the woods around her, the near silence broken only by the sound of the wind rustling the fallen leaves.
Little by little, her body relaxed, until most of the tension had been leached from her muscles.
Of course, now that she wasn’t in full fight-or-flight mode, she felt a little ridiculous for getting so worked up. Dean hadn’t actually said anything negative to her, so there was zero reason for her to have gotten so upset over a conversation that had never actually happened.
Determined not to let herself get in her head so much again, she turned and reached for the doorknob. But when she tried to open it, the knob stuck in place, refusing to budge. Stunned, she shook the handle harder, as if that might somehow force the door into compliance.
