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She nods. “I’ll have someone wake you before we land.”
Nathan stands and offers me his hand, and I’m too numb and tired to do anything but take it and follow him back to the bed.
I have to ignore the pile of bloody towels on the floor; he showered the second we hit cruising altitude.
It’s the first moment we’ve had alone together since the fight. I turn to him and reach up to brush a dark curl from his forehead. He flinches slightly as my fingers graze a slash across his hairline.
“We should have gotten that stitched up,” I murmur, and I wish I was tall enough to kiss his cheek without hopping.
“It’s not bleeding. It should be fine,” he says, holding his hair back to reveal two butterfly bandages carefully positioned on his skin. “Xiao is well-versed in combat medicine. I have a horrible feeling that will prove beneficial.
“I’m sure it will.”
“And you?” He’s already asked about potential injuries a hundred times, but it’s like he’s incapable of believing I’m okay.
“I’m fine,” I reassure him. “Nathan, you’re the one who got really hurt.”
“I would argue that Harriet was the one who got really hurt.” The corner of his mouth flickers.
“Oh my god, was that a joke?” I know I shouldn’t laugh, but at least it breaks the tension a little, finally. “Not cool.”
“Not cool was attempting to kill you.” He holds me at arm’s length, scanning from the top of my head down. “You’re sure nothing aches? Nothing stings? Sometimes, in the heat of a fight—”
“Adrenaline will prevent you from feeling pain, I know.” I gesture to his head; at first, he insisted that all the blood on him was Harriet’s, but her first swipe at him caused the blood I saw splattering across the wall of the parlor.
In an instant, I’m back in the throne room. The smell of blood overwhelms my memory. Nathan’s blood. Nathan’s screams as they tried to save him in the safe room.
“Bailey?” Nathan asks softly.
I shove him back with my shoulder, almost knocking him off his feet. “Don’t touch me!”
He steps back, hands up.
My wits return to me with crushing embarrassment. “I’m not there,” I whisper to reassure myself. “I’m not there.”
“Not where?” Nathan asks, taking a cautious step toward me.
“I’m not…” I blow out a shaky breath. “Sometimes, I have to remind myself that we’re not back in that room. During the riot.”
He nods thoughtfully. “You never told me what it was like. Just that you sat beside my bed.”
I almost tell him that I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t like thinking about it, that’s for sure. But somehow, when he cautiously takes my hand and leads me to the bed to sit down, it all comes pouring out. “The confusion was the worst. Maybe the second worst. I looked down and there was a dead thrall and blood all over me. And then you were just gone.”
He squeezes my hand. “I’m here now.”
I take a breath and nod to indicate I need just a moment. Just the smallest pause to collect the scattered pieces of those memories, which all seem to be not a big deal and a Very Big Deal to my emotions all at once. “I’ve never seen someone really get hurt before. Or die. And now I feel like I’m doing it all the time. And even though we’re fine… today we might not have been.”
“We’ve been fortunate,” he says, putting an arm around my back.
“And that luck will run out. Eventually, it just will.” Tears creep into my voice. “Death is all around us. And I’m supposed to be making this life and protecting it.”
“It’s protected.” He puts his other hand on my stomach. “And you’re protected. With my life.”
“Which you’ve almost lost before.” I shake my head. “This isn’t something you can just… reassure away. I saw you. I saw your insides coming out and I heard you screaming. And that… it haunts me. I can still hear you.”
“Hear this,” he says, kissing the top of my head. “You’re here, now. And I’m here. I’m not in pain. I’m not in danger. You’re in this moment, and you’re safe.”
It’s such a simple sentiment, but somehow, it grounds me. It doesn’t remove those horrors from my mind. It’s not a long-term solution. But it brings me back to my body. It brings me back to who I am and what’s happening around me, clears the adrenaline from my system.
All that’s left are tears.
Nathan holds me and soothes me while I cry my heart out into his chest. I’m sure I’m getting snot on his t-shirt, but it’s not the grossest bodily fluid he touched today. He doesn’t try to tell me that everything will be all right, but he tells me that it is all right, and that’s enough. That gets me through, until the ache in my chest subsides and my eyes dry.
