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It could have been a handful of minutes, a few hours, or a couple of days that passed in front of my eyes. Time didn’t seem to matter while I was frozen in place.
In time.
I tried to find a bit of peace, even though I didn’t deserve it.
I allowed my mind and body to seek shelter in that dark place within me, and I was starting to think I’d never come out into the light again. This was simply my penance for taking another life that didn’t belong to me.
I inhaled a deep, sturdy breath, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth before I confessed to him, “I don’t remember what it feels like to have a good night’s rest. Sometimes it’s well into the morning before my eyes finally close, and exhaustion takes over. It’s never peaceful sleep, though. My mind refuses to shut off even though I’m mentally spent from the wheels turning at full speed all hours of the day. The guilt festering inside me is eating me alive, Tony. I keep thinking about the what-ifs, but they don’t matter because they won’t bring you or my mother back. At times, it feels like I’m lost without her. Other times it feels like I was lost long before I didn’t get to say goodbye to her.” I hesitated for a moment.
“I’m so fucking sorry, man. I hope you know that. I pray that your soul finally rests in peace, but in the back of my mind, I know we don’t deserve peace for all the lives we’ve claimed in the past eleven years. I feel my mother’s presence everywhere I go, and I know I don’t deserve it, yet there she is, always with me. Even as I claimed your life, she watched me raise that gun with nothing but shame and sadness in her eyes.” I swallowed hard, holding in the tears and guilt suffocating me for killing my best friend.
“I’m just trying to put the pieces of my life back together, but it’s so fucking hard when I lose myself more as the days go on. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. You shouldn’t have lost your life protecting mine. I hope you know that too. I hope you believe it. I hope you’re happy and at peace. I hope so many fucking things for you.” An unexpected shiver ran down my spine from the sudden breeze. Almost like he was making his presence known. He was there for me, comforting me the only way he could now.
“I fucking love you, man,” I whispered into the misty air. “I don’t know who I am anymore and maybe I never did. I struggle with everything these days. You’d be so disappointed in me, or maybe you already are. I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I don’t know anything anymore. Everything hurts right now. I don’t know what it feels like not to hurt. The pain is a part of me, and I feel like I’m dying all the time. A little bit of my air is being taken from my lungs each day, enough to know it’s missing. It’s leaving me, and I can’t do anything to save it, knowing it’s happening, and I can’t stop it. All I can do is wait for the day when I can’t breathe any longer. How do I forget about all the shit we’ve done?”
With a solemn expression, I threw dirt on his grave before confessing my last truth…
“I wish it were me that was dead and not you.”
Thirteen
Cove
“How long do you plan on keeping me handcuffed to this bed?”
“As long as it takes to know I can trust my balls around you.”
I resisted the urge to smile. “Well, you should have known better about who you kidnapped, Mr. Know-It-All.”
He nodded at me. “Who taught you how to defend yourself like that?”
“You can thank your brother Reid for that one.”
“Reid, huh?”
“Yeah, he taught Haven and me some moves when we started growing boobs.”
He scoffed out a chuckle. “What else did he teach you?”
“All your brothers have taught Haven and me something.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“Well… Ledger taught us how to ride a horse.”
“He was basically born on one.”
“He’s the one that’s inheriting the ranch, right?”
“That’s what I’m told.”
“You don’t want it?”
“I have no interest in cow shit for the rest of my life.”
“Oh, but killing people for the rest of your life seems normal?”
He ignored my question. “Since Reid taught you how to fight. Where does that leave Alexander and Troy?”
“Alexander taught us that all guys wanted from us was to get laid.”
“That sounds about right.”
“He also said that if we had sex with a boy before we got married, he’d end up in jail, but that was only after we were old enough to realize that kissing and holding hands doesn’t get us pregnant like he claimed.”
