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“Okay, then,” I murmur, leaning back into Hannah’s couch. For several minutes, I watch the target’s porn as he watches it on his end, until, finally, I get a text from Josh that informs me they’ve arrived at the guy’s house and that I should do the thing we discussed earlier in precisely three minutes.
I text Josh to let him know I’m on it, and three minutes later, do the thing. For a while, I stare at my screen and wait for word from Josh. And when I finally hear from him, Josh says the target just went back inside his house and is now looking at his computer.
Josh: He was threatening to call the police. Send him a message loud and clear, would you? Make sure he knows he’s at my fucking mercy.
Me: Gotcha, boss. When he comes back out, the tiger will be nothing more than a pussy cat. I promise.
There’s a noise at the door, the jangling of keys, and two seconds later, Hannah and Maddy burst into Hannah’s apartment, both of them carrying flattened cardboard boxes.
“Hello there, handsome chap!” Hannah chirps happily.
“Hi, Henny!” Maddy says.
When the ladies come over to greet me, I hug them and quickly return to my screen so as not to leave Josh hanging. I think my work here is done, but Josh’s actual proposal should be coming any minute now, and I don’t want to miss his text saying as much.
Hannah says, “There are more boxes in my car, Henny. Would you mind bringing them up for me?”
“Sure thing, just as soon as I’m finished here. I should be done any minute now.”
“Do you want a glass of wine? We’re going to have some.”
“No, I’m good. Thanks.”
Hannah heads to the kitchen with Maddy, and the pair sets about pouring themselves wine. As the sisters chat and bustle around the kitchen, it occurs to me this is probably one of those instances when I should tell Hannah about what I’m up to. It’s not a normal thing for me to reveal my hacking activities to anyone who isn’t directly involved in hiring me, but I’ve promised Hannah the awkwardness and hurt she felt on karaoke night would be a one-off, and I’m nothing if not a man of my word.
Surely, at some point soon, Josh will regale his new fiancée with the story of how he pulled off today’s complicated marriage proposal, including the part where he epically humiliated Kat’s cheating ex with a little help from me. And once that happens, Kat will almost certainly talk about what happened with or in front of Hannah. And when that happens, Kat will assume Hannah’s already been fully briefed on the topic by me, her beloved boyfriend. And it’ll be karaoke night, all over again. Only worse. Because this time, unlike then, Hannah’s already made it clear it hurts her feelings when our friend group knows something I’ve done, and I haven’t told her about it myself.
I briefly consider waiting to tell Hannah what I’ve done until after Maddy leaves, but quickly decide I don’t have the luxury of that kind of time. Plus, Maddy is family to me by now, and there’s no doubt I can trust her with this particular information. “Hey, Banana,” I call toward the kitchen. “Come over here, babe. You’re gonna want to see this. Josh is proposing to Kat, as we speak.”
“What?” Hannah shrieks. She races to the couch, practically spilling the red wine in her goblet as she runs. With a bloom in her cheeks, she plops down onto the couch next to me, peeks over my shoulder at my screen, and peppers me with questions about what she’s seeing.
As Maddy makes her way to an armchair, I say, “Josh asked me not to say anything until he was sure everything was going off without a hitch, but now that it is, I think I’m in the clear to spill the beans.” After making sure both women understand the confidential nature of what they’re seeing on my screen, I tell them both the whole story.
“Josh is such a baller to propose to Kat like this!” Hannah gushes when I finish my explanation. “She’s going to love it!”
Suddenly, my phone pings with a text from Josh.
Josh: I bagged the babe. She said YES. Fuck yeah! Exit The Asshole’s system now.
After Hannah and I whoop loudly and fist-bump each other, I reply to Josh, congratulating him and letting him know I’ll leave the target’s system without a trace. True to my word, that’s what I do . . . except that I can’t resist leaving an encrypted back door in place, in case my future self decides to lead his clueless wife to the truth one day. Plus, if the bastard is stupid enough to try to fuck with Josh in retaliation for the humiliation he suffered on his doorstep today, then I’ll use this back door to remind him I’ve got his balls in the palm of my hand.
