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I don’t know what to say.I don’t regret it, comes to mind, along withI’d like to do it again,andI’m glad you did.But what comes out instead is more pertinent to the job, but probably not what either of us wants to hear right now.
“Grisha asked me to go on a business trip to Mexico with him. Leaving Friday.”
I see Levin’s entire face shut down, hardening, his jaw going tight. I see the man that I met that first day in the hotel room again, the man who is here on a job and nothing else, and it shouldn’t send a spike of pain through me. It shouldn’t hurt. But it does.
“I saw a name on his desk. Fernandez. A ledger sheet, some other paperwork. Shipping manifests, I think. If it helps–”
“What did you tell him about the trip?” Levin asks tightly, and I swallow past the lump in my throat.
“I told him that I had to talk to my professors first. That I’d get back to him–”
“You should go.”
I blink at him, surprised. “Isn’t it too dangerous? I thought you’d–”
“It’s a good idea. You’ll be with him while he’s on business, so he may be more willing to let something slip. You might even meet some of the men he’s working with, depending on how much he lets you see. You might get a better idea of what he’s doing.”
“And I’m going to go alone?” Fear courses through me, chilling me down to the bone, until I feel sick.
“No, of course not.” Levin looks over at me, a hint of surprise in his face, and I relax a fraction. “I’ll follow you there, once you have the details of where you’ll be staying. I’ll stay out of sight, but I’ll be there if you need me to pull you out of trouble.”
That’s when it hits me–the one thing I hadn’t really thought about in all of this, at least partially because I hadn’t thought that Levin would think the trip was a good idea.I’m going to be staying with Grisha the entire time.No going back to Levin’s hotel in between, no brief respites, no time with Levin at all. I’ll be entirely at Grisha’s beck and call.
It shouldn’t make me sad. It’s a step in the right direction, if anything, a chance for me to spend enough time with Grisha that this job can finally come to an end. I should be just as eager to be free of Levin as I am Grisha.
Once I’m done with this mission, I’ll never see Levin again.
That’s the way it’ssupposedto be. But that doesn’t stop me, somehow, from saying the thing in my head.
“I’m glad you’re coming. I’ll feel safer with you there.”
Levin says nothing. But I know he heard me.
Levin
I’ve never been so aware in my life of how deeply I’ve fucked up.
Lidiya has gotten beneath my skin, in a way that no other woman ever has–in a way that I thought no woman evercould. What we did in the alley, whatIdid, was a mistake.
I know it was. But I couldn’t fucking help myself.
It had been fucking torture, sitting in the car and knowing she was up in that building with Grisha, his hands and mouth on her, himinsideof her. I’d wanted to go up there and drag him off of her, throw him through the window of his office and watch him fall all the way down to the street. I’d sat there thinking a litany of murderous thoughts, and when she’d come back down to the car with her hair rumpled and her skin flushed, all I’d been able to think about was erasing every hint of his touch on her.
I hadn’t meant for it to go further than a kiss. I really fucking hadn’t. But Lidiya Petrovna, for all that she’s nothing like the kinds of women that have driven me crazy in the past, is like a fucking drug to me. Like catnip. She makes me feel insane.
And when she begs for me–
I lay in the hotel room the night of her next date with Grisha, cursing him, cursing Vladimir, cursing this entire fucking job. It feels almost unbearable that she’s with him, and it’s only going to get worse when I have to follow them to fucking Mexico, and watch while he treats her as if they’re on a romantic vacation.
I don’t bother trying to go out and find another woman to blow off steam with any longer. I know it won’t fucking change anything. Lidiya is who consumes my thoughts, the only woman who gets me hard now, and I can’t help but wonder if this has broken something in me–what the hell I’m going to do when she’s gone.
Because after this mission, shewillbe gone, and there’s not a damned thing I can or should do about it.
I spend the better part of the first hour after she leaves the hotel room in the bathroom, fist around my cock as I remember how her mouth felt on me, the scent and taste of her, how she’d clenched around my fingers as she came. How fuckingwetshe’d been, tight and hot and perfect, and how badly I want to fuck her. I grip the edge of the countertop until my knuckles turn white and I’m gripping my cock almost as hard, desperate to come and take the edge off.
When I do, it feels hollow. A few hours later, I’m doing the same thing on the couch, eyes closed tight as I try not to think about her with Grisha, and try to remember anything else. Her up against the door of this hotel room, coming on my fingers as she jerked me off. Her cuffed to my bed while I ate her sweet pussy until she couldn’t take any more. Her mouth on me in the car after she’d begged for me.
It’s not enough. Ineedher. I need to be inside of her, and my fist just isn’t fucking good enough any longer. I let out a growl of frustration when I come, my cock still stubbornly deflating only a little even after I spurt another orgasm all over my fist, groaning Lidiya’s name as I do.
