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Jax rested his forehead against the window and closed his eyes as he spoke words that still brought pain and regret in equal measure. “She hated being pregnant. And she was scared. Scared of frivolous things, girly things like stretch marks and swollen ankles. She was miserable and lonely, because all her friends pulled away. I didn’t see it then, but she was a shallow person who put herself first all the time, so the only friends she had were just like her.” He warily waved a hand then scrubbed roughly at the back of his neck before continuing. “They melted away like butter in the sun when her life got messy.
“So, she had me. Luke was freaked out too, but he stepped up and got his ass to work. He was determined to live up to this kid and make things work. Christy didn’t see it like that. She was sure he felt trapped and was working so hard just to avoid spending time with her. Nothing he or even I could say would make her see it any other way.” Jax wiped his hands on his back pockets and wished he hadn’t given up smoking; he could sure use a cigarette right about now.
“Fast forward to a couple months after the baby was born, and I’m spending every day with her while Luke is working. I’m helping with the baby and keeping her company and watching the girl I loved more than anything cry every day about how sad she was. How neglected and lonely. And when she wasn’t crying and complaining, she was flirting. I’d never even kissed a girl before, and here I was day-in and day-out with the most popular girl at school. The girl I’d been pining for since I first laid eyes on her two years ago, and she’s flirting with me. She kept finding reasons to hug me, and her hugs got longer and became this full body press that set my heart racing like a jackhammer. She was always touching me too. She liked to trail her fingers in my hair, tell me how silky it was, shit like that. I was on fire daily. I jacked off so much I was afraid I was going to break the damn thing in two.”
“Jax.” Andie’s voice was rough with unshed tears, and he couldn’t bring himself to turn and face them with the old hurts and loneliness coming to the surface like this. He shook his head a little to keep her where she was and let him finish getting this out.
“She didn’t breastfeed Logan. She had a different excuse every time someone brought it up, but I think the truth was she was just too selfish to do something so intimate and selfless as breastfeed. But that day, she’s holding him and wearing this skimpy little sundress and says to me how she thinks she’d been wrong about breastfeeding and maybe she should try it.”
“Oh no,” Andie said, and he could hear both understanding and forgiveness in the two small words.
“Yeah. Oh no,” Jax answered. “She lowers her top. All the way so both her breasts are out, because she said she didn’t have any ‘fancy nursing clothes.’ Other than movies and the internet, I’d never seen naked breasts, and I couldn’t take my eyes away. She fusses and holds him to first one and then the other, and I swear to God it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. She finally puts the baby down, because of course, after months of nothing, she didn’t have any milk, and the baby didn’t know how to nurse on anything but a bottle. Then she takes her sweet time pulling her clothes back on.”
Jax lifted his hands out to his sides. “I snapped. I couldn’t take it any more. I’d had nine months of her telling me how Luke was forcing her to have a baby she didn’t want and then two months of her crying and clinging to me about how awful her life was. And then she was just sitting there, staring at me with one breast still exposed, and she bit her lip. Then I watched her nipple contract as she tweaked it on the strap of her gown as she was adjusting it. I pounced. I was all over her, and she was kissing me back and gasping out how long she’d been waiting for me to touch her, and I couldn’t have stopped if the house caught on fire.”
With the worst of it out, Jax was finally able to turn and face her. Andie had tears steadily dripping from her eyes; they rolled unheeded down her cheeks as she watched him. Sympathy for the misfit young boy he used to be was pouring out of her as clear to see as her shining hair.
“I’m sure Luke detailed the ass-whooping that followed.” He rested his backside against the windowsill and crossed his arms over his chest. “That night, she snuck in my window. She was sobbing, saying after I left he beat her. He didn’t, of course, but back then, I believed it and wanted to kill him. She told me he’d thrown her out, and since her parents wanted nothing to do with her since she’d told them she was pregnant, I was all she had. She begged me to take her away. So, I did.
“I had money saved up from having worked since I was fourteen at different odd jobs. I’d been saving to get out of town myself. So, we piled into my old beater and drove off in the middle of the night.” With a sigh, feeling like he’d aged about a dozen years in the retelling, Jax pushed off from the window and came back to his seat. “It was about six months when the money ran out and I realized I wasn’t any more to her than a free ride out of her responsibilities. She’d always wanted to be a dancer, so we went to New York, both of us sure she’d make it big. When she didn’t get even one job and had trouble just getting into auditions, she wanted me to take her to L.A. I couldn’t. By that time, we were broke, and she refused to get a job that wasn’t dancing. I could barely keep us in our rundown studio apartment in the slums, but she wanted me to pull money outta thin air and take her across the country.” He shook his head at the memory. Her spoiled selfishness and his complete lack of self-worth always baffled him in hindsight. How could she have been so callous? And how in the hell could he have been so blind to it? “Well, she found someone with deeper pockets than I had, and one night, just like she—we—did to Luke, she was gone and I never heard from her again.”
“That heartless bitch,” Andie said vehemently, startling a chuckle out of him.
“Yeah, well, I felt like I kinda had that coming. But it was years before I could bring myself back home. I got my ass outta New York. Got a crap day-job and some grants and put myself through college. I was determined to turn my life around. I started filling out. Got rid of the piercings and crazy hair and committed to being a better person. A person who could come back home with his head high someday, and that’s what I did.”
“You sure as hell did,” she told him with more vehemence as she pushed from her seat to round the table and throw herself in his arms. “God, Jax, I’m so sorry! I just want to go back in time and hold that boy you used to be.” Her unbelievable words were whispered into his neck. As she clung to him, Jax felt years of pain and self-directed hatred melt away. Her compassion for the neglected and lonely kid who used to be him felt like an absolution. “I can’t believe you had to go through that. It’s so awful, and I hate her. I hope you hate her now; please tell me you do, because she had the love of not just one amazing guy but two and treated you both like garbage. So, I hate her.” Her words were a fervent vow that warmed places in his heart he hadn’t realized were cold.
“God, Andie,” he said, suddenly crushing her to him as he soaked in her understanding. “Why you? Why, did I have to fall for Luke’s girl again?”
“Hey.” Andie burrowed even closer, if that were possible, and said, “I’m not Luke’s girl. I told you. It was a one-night stand that ended horribly. I know it’s unfair to put this on you—pregnant with another man’s kid—but I’m here, because I chose you. Not him. You.”
It was exactly what he never knew he needed to hear. Jax turned his head and crushed his mouth to hers as an eruption of pent-up emotions poured from him. Andie met him kiss for kiss, seeming as desperate for his touch as he was for hers.
Never taking his mouth from her, Jax shoved back from the table and stumbled a little crookedly to the couch. They bumped walls and furniture along the way, and he was relieved she chuckled at the fumbling missteps and didn’t make him feel like an inept nerd for failing on the romantic swoop and carry.
She bounced a little and shuffled when he sat her on the cushions. Jax planted one foot on the floor between her bare toes and placed his other knee next to her hip on the couch. He leaned over her so his forearm rested on the back behind her and cradled her head in his palm. His kisses slowed, became deeper and wetter as he let his free hand glide up her leg under her skirt from her knee to the valley between that was radiating warmth and wet. He could feel it even through the scrap of panties she wore. It was heaven, touching her after these endless weeks.
Jax broke from the kiss with a soft groan as he eased his fingers under the lace. He pressed his forehead tight to hers, their noses side by side, and he stared into eyes that had glazed over with passion. “Holy shit. Andie,” he said as her silky folds parted under his seeking touch. “I knew you’d be hot. I knew you’d be fucking perfect.”
His words were reverent as he felt the swollen bud of her clit, and he groaned when she arched and quivered in reaction. Slow, savoring every nuance, he eased his longest finger into her. As that silky and incredibly snug flesh surrendered to his touch, Jax kept his gaze locked on hers. Andie’s mouth dropped open. Her hips lifted, and her hands scrambled on the back of his shirt while unintelligible words fell jumbled and breathy from her lips.
* * *
The window was open,and a light evening breeze blew softly across her face. With her back bowed up in ecstasy, she was seconds away from climax. Andie arched her neck, feeling that slow, delicious buildup that told her any second now—
She sucked in deep as that feeling started to crest, and then Andie wrenched away with both hands clamped to her mouth and leaped over the coffee table like an Olympic hurdler.
She was heaving before she made it to the hallway and was too caught up in misery to be embarrassed about the disgusting trail she left in her wake. The breeze that had felt so fresh had smelled anything but. It carried the stench of sheep and fertilizer. Her poor stomach hadn’t stood a chance.
Ten miserable minutes later, Andie was crouched over the commode, crying softly. She never got sick, even as a kid; she’d been lucky that way. She honestly couldn’t remember the last time she had thrown up before becoming pregnant. And throwing up hurt.
“Why does it have to hurt?” she asked the toilet, too exhausted and afraid of a comeback to lift her head yet. “Isn’t it bad enough that I’m sick? That all my insides feel like they’re rotting? Does ithaveto hurt so bad?”
Just then, a cool, damp cloth draped over the back of her neck, so relieving she let out a small sob of gratitude. It was followed closely by a second one on her forehead. Jax crouched down close and held both to her with such tenderness the tears she was shedding took up speed.
“What do you mean it hurts? Like your tummy aches?” he asked, and she could hear the edge of worry in his voice.
“No.” She stopped for a second then elaborated. “Well, yes. But that comes with the territory, doesn’t it? You expect that. What I don’t get is why everything else has to hurt.” She could hear the petulance in her own voice, knew she’d probably be mortified by it tomorrow, but at the moment, she was too miserable to care. “The muscles in my back and abs and even my arms and shoulders hurt. Like really hurt, from a workout kinda but worse. And my neck, everything strains so hard when you puke!Why? My neck feels like I’ve been strangled.” She ran clammy and shaky fingers over her abused throat with a pitiable whimper. “To top it all off, my head is throbbing in time with my heartbeat. It’s like an all-over symphony of pain. I think I’m going to die if this keeps up. I really do.”
