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86
PAIGE
“So it was good?” Cyrille asks, her eyes wide and hopeful.
The greenhouse has become our unspoken hangout spot ever since our first meal together. Today, though, the glass walls make me feel a little too exposed. Cyrille wants to know everything about the honeymoon, and I can’t help but feel like Misha is out there somewhere… watching me.
“It was great,” I say, pulling my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. “Honestly, that’s underselling it: it was the most amazing vacation I’ve ever been on. To be fair, I think it might have been the only vacation I’ve ever been on. But either way, it was awesome. Prague was gorgeous. And the buildings. Cyrille! They were just so—”
“I don’t care about the damn buildings!” she interjects with a strangled laugh. “I’m not asking about Prague; I want to know about Misha. How were things between the two of you?”
“Oh.”
Her eyes go wider still, but her smile falters. “I mean, when we heard you’d extended your trip, we figured things were going well.”
I give her a shy grin. “Things did go well. We traveled a lot. We explored the city. We shopped and ate and drank. Well, he drank. I had whatever non-alcoholic beverage they had on—”
“Paige!”
I stop short, a blush coloring my cheeks. “I’m babbling, aren’t I?”
“I’ll only forgive you if it’s because you’re happy.” She bites her lower lip, hopeful. “Areyou happy?”
I take a deep breath, not quite sure how to explain to her the weird headspace I’m in. “I was happy in Prague. It felt like we really… connected when we were there. We talked. Not just about superficial stuff, either. We talked about things that are important to us. To both of us.”
“Oh God,” she groans, burying her face in her hands. “Am I feeling a ‘but’ coming on?”
“When we got back last night, he carried up the luggage and then told me he had to see to some work. I waited for him for an hour, but he didn’t come back up. I woke up this morning and realized he’d spent the entire night in his office. Again.”
Cyrille’s face drops. I try to not look as disappointed as I feel. One hand lands on my belly, while the other clutches my pendant. It’s become my gesture lately. My security blanket.Hold onto the things that matter—the past and the future.
Because the present is just too uncertain to be relied upon.
“I think he was trying to tell me what I already know, deep down: Prague was an exception. There were no rules out there. But now, we’re back home… and the rules are back, too.”
“Oh, Paige…”
She reaches out and takes my hand. I give her a little shrug that doesn’t quite manage to be convincing. “We do have a connection, Cyrille. There’s something between us.”
“I know that. And you know that. Now, we just have to get that stubborn mule of a husband of yours to see it, too.”
“He’s been through a lot,” I say softly. “He’s still going through a lot. I think it helps him to keep me at a distance. I think, in his way, he’s just trying to protect himself.”
“I get it, Paige. I really do. But at some point, he has to realize that he’s not just keeping out the bad stuff in life. He’s blocking out the good stuff, too.” She squeezes my knee. “The best stuff, in my opinion.”
“Thanks.” The cracked, imperfect remains of my heart thump painfully. I’m not sure how much more it can take before it all crumbles into ashes. “I don’t know, though. Maybe I’m okay just playing at being his wife. Maybe this arrangement is for the best.”
Cyrille raises her eyebrows in shock. “No, honey. You can’t mean that. Losing Maksim ripped me apart, but I don’t regret loving him for a second. I have Ilya. I have all of our memories. He was worth it. So is Misha. I know it.”
I know it, too. That’s exactly the problem.
“I’m worried if I push too hard, he’ll break. And if he breaks, I’ll break right alongside him.” I take a deep breath. “Having him in my life is better than losing him entirely… isn’t it?”
Cyrille shakes her head. “You deserve better, Paige.”
I want to tell her I agree. But a part of me wonders if I truly believe it.
87
