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‘Don’t you? It’s really very simple.’ She took a deep breath, which seemed to scorch its way right down into the base of her lungs. ‘The reason our baby died was my fault, okay? It was my fault. Do you understand now?’
He shook his head. ‘You can’t know that!’
‘Yes! Yes, I can!’ Lexi dug her nails into her palms, wishing that she could just close her lips and refuse to say any more because it was so painful. But she knew she could not let this go until he accepted the truth. Because she owed him that. He needed to understand that there was no magic wand to be waved to give him what he had always wanted. ‘The doctors told me that you can change a lot of things—but you can’t change your genetic make-up. And there’s something in me which makes it impossible to carry a baby to term. Don’t you hear what I’m saying, Xenon? That I’m damaged goods and I’ll never be able to guarantee you the son and heir you’ve always longed for.’
‘You’re not damaged,’ he ground out. ‘You’re whole and you’re beautiful—inside and out!’
He moved to hold her but she held up her hand to stop him. ‘No. I’m not. I wish I was, but I’m not.’ She backed away from him, wanting to put physical distance between them. Terrified that if she didn’t she would weaken and she loved him too much to short-change him for the rest of his life. ‘This is your let-out clause, Xenon, don’t you see? Don’t let some misplaced sense of loyalty or pride make you feel you’ve got to make it work with me. Don’t allow my physical shortcomings to crush your dreams. Go away and find another woman—the right kind of woman—and have a baby with her.’
His breathing was rapid and his eyes were glittering with a hectic blue fire but the words he bit out were strong and steady. ‘And what if I told you that I want you, anyway? That, contrary to what your ridiculously low self-esteem might tell you, I did not marry you because you were a “brood mare”? I married you because I loved you. I still do.’
‘Don’t.’ The word came out in a low moan of pain. ‘Please don’t make this even harder.’
‘I’ll make it as hard as it damned well needs to be. I’ll do whatever I have to do to make you see sense.’
‘I am being sensible,’ she said stubbornly.
‘No, you’re not. Listen to me, Lex. Yes, I wanted a baby with you—I can’t deny that. But maybe there’s still a chance we can. We can get a second opinion. We can have access to the best doctors in the world—’
‘No.’ And maybe the certainty in her voice made him realise that she was serious because suddenly he tensed. She hugged her arms around her bikini-clad body but beneath it she was still shivering. ‘Don’t you realise that this is something your money can’t buy, or fix? I can’t have your baby, Xenon—that’s the beginning and the end of it—and because of that, we have no future together.’
His body was tense now; his face dark and brooding. ‘So I don’t get any say in this?’
She shook her head. ‘No.’
‘Do you love me?’
Lexi hesitated. Say no, she urged herself. Tell him that all your love has gone—worn out and washed away. But as she looked into his blue eyes she knew she couldn’t lie. Her body might have failed him, but her heart would always be true. ‘I’ll always love you,’ she said. ‘And it’s because of that that I’m setting you free.’
‘How very magnanimous of you,’ he said. ‘You castigate me for being a control freak and now you’re telling me it’s over without considering any other option.’
‘Because there is no other option!’
‘Oh, but there is. It’s just one that neither of us has considered until now.’
‘And that is?’
‘That is that we don’t go down the baby route. We’ll forget about a family—’
‘Xenon—’
‘Plenty of couples have decent and fulfilled lives without children. If you want—if you want—we can think about adoption some time in the future. Or we can just enjoy our niece and the children my cousins will one day have. The children that your own brothers might have. Because I love you, too, Lex—and that love is unconditional. I want you—just you—and whatever comes with having you is all right by me.’
His words were soft with conviction and Lex’s heart sang with hope as for a moment she allowed herself to dream for one unbearably beautiful moment. Only this wasn’t a dream. It was real. Xenon loved her and she could have his love. She could live with him for the rest of her life. Lexi and Xenon.
