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The firehouse has a bit of a buzz to it today, almost as if no one slept well and we’re all on edge. Like we’re waiting for something to happen. “How’s it going?” I ask Gauge as I walk toward the front of the station. He’s sitting where he has been for the past few months. At the desk, helping to take care of any questions or administrative tasks that come in.
“It’s going,” he sighs. “I really wanna be back out in the field.”
He was injured during the forest fire. He’s still undergoing counseling and doctors appointments for third degree burns. “You’ll be out there in no time.”
“It’s been months, Chance,” he sighs again. “I thought I’d be there before now.”
“You can’t hurry your recovery. You and I both know if you do, and you end up hurting yourself worse, there’s no coming back from that.”
“I know, I’m just sick of keeping this chair warm,” he throws his pen down.
“So is it the physical or the mental that’s keeping you from getting the sign off? Don’t forget, I’ve been there.”
He looks like he doesn’t want to speak to me about what’s going on, but I might also be the only person who’s questioned him.
“Both,” he admits. “One of my grafts isn’t taking the way they thought it would, and I’m still having nightmares. Until I stop using the medicine to go to sleep at night, they’re not going to approve me to come back.”
“I don’t know if you remember after I had my accident, but it took me months.”
“You also had lost a wife, and we were worried you wouldn’t come back at all. Me? I’m just sitting my ass in this chair.”
“No, there’s a lot more going on here than that,” I have a seat next to him. “When you were injured, we were all scared you weren’t going to make it. We prayed for you, we stayed next to your bedside at all hours, the Chaplain didn’t leave the hospital while you were there. I don’t think you understand how scared we were for you, or how close you were to not making it out of there, Gauge. To have you here isn’t only good for you, whether you know it or not. It’s good for all of us. It reminds us of what we go out there and fight for every day, that we want to come back for our families.”
“What if I don’t want to be the paragon of virtue like that? What if I don’t want to be the reason some of you come to work every day? Sometimes it takes everything I have to get up in the morning, much less come here and pretend like I love this job,” Gauge admits.
The alarm goes off, calling for the ambulance.
I get up, pressing my palm to his shoulder. “If nothing else, know we love you. Even if you decided to not be on the squad anymore, you’d still be our brother. However, I caution you on making a decision right now because you feel you aren’t contributing. Wait until you’ve got your feet beneath you and a clear head on your shoulders.”
As I make my way to the ambulance, and see where I’m being dispatched to, I try to remember what I said to him. I need to make sure the next time Delia and I speak we have our feet beneath us and clear heads on our shoulders.
Otherwise, we could fuck up all the progress we’ve made.
CHAPTEREIGHTEEN
Delia
“What’s with you?”Hayden asks as we sit at our respective windows, waiting for customers to come in.
“Chance kissed me last night,” I sigh, reliving the moment when his lips touched mine.
“How was it?” She asks, leaning forward for optimal gossiping.
“So much better than I remembered. I definitely think it’s true what they say. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Since the moment I left, I haven’t thought about it much. I’ve been so busy trying to keep Gavin and I fed, clothed, a roof over our head. I haven’t had much time to think about what I gave up. Last night, he reminded me of every single bit of it.”
“So you’re horny,” she giggles, leaning in a little further.
“More than I’ve ever been. I want back what we had, but I’m not sure that’s ever going to happen. It’s hard to admit I’m the cause, if I hadn’t left and I’d stayed back and been an adult. We’d be at a much different place in our lives,” I sigh.
“I don’t believe that,” Hayden argues. “So many women give up their dreams, or do what they believe is correct in the name of not wanting to rock the boat. They do this in the name of doing what they think is correct for their marriages, but they also leave themselves out of the equation. Do I think it was a good thing you left your husband? Maybe. Maybe not. But you had to do what was best for you.”
“Which is why I’ve always believed I was selfish,” I admit.
“Doing what’s best for you isn’t selfish, it’s being aware that the world isn’t always fair. It’s what people go to therapy for when they get to be adults.”
I laugh at the point she’s trying to make. While I get it and understand it, it’s going to take a lot of time for me to learn to forgive myself. “I don’t have all the answers, and I might never have them all, but I’m determined to make a good life here. Not only for myself, but for Gavin and Chance too.”
“But you want him to make hot, passionate, love to you as well, right?” She teases.
