AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Bassel,” I murmur. He jerks in shock, and I smile sadly. “I saw a picture, and Louis told me a little. I’m so sorry, Dimitri.”
He swallows, his face pale as he looks away.
“Did you love him?” I ask. I shouldn’t pry, but he needs to talk. I can see that he’s keeping it bottled up, and that won’t help. I know.
“With every fibre of my being. He was my best friend, the only one who understood . . .” He looks back nervously. “I love the others, and they are my brothers, but they are stronger than me. They understood the violence or the beauty in the science. Me? The world didn’t make sense to me, and Bassel was the same. He didn’t get people or the world. He floated in pain, wanting to escape. We found it together. I tried drugs with him once, but I didn’t like how they felt, too out of control. With him, though, I was in control, and I was strong. Someone needed me, and I wasn’t alone. I still wake up expecting to see him there.”
Tears roll from my eyes, and he reaches out and captures one, bringing it to his lips to kiss.
“He would have liked you,” he murmurs as I smile.
“Really?”
He laughs. “He would always say, ‘Trust the crazy ones, they know something we don’t.’” I laugh with him, and he grins. “He had this unique way of looking at the world. He said the broken were beautiful and that we understood something no one else ever could. He told me one day I would understand that love could be as healing as it could hurt. It did hurt with him because I loved him, Nova, but he loved the pain meds more. He couldn’t exist without them, and I saw him withering away before me. I would wake up to a ghost, a stranger, towards the end. We were so young, so lost, and clinging to each other. He told me once it wasn’t a partnership, but a necessity for us to survive. It was a love created out of desperation and pain, not friendship and need, but it was what we had. In the end, I lost him, and the pain was too great.”
“He killed himself?” I ask, knowing sugar-coating it won’t help.
He nods. “I found him,” he admits.
“Jesus, Dimitri, I’m sorry.” I reach for his hand, and he looks down at our intertwined fingers as he speaks, as if he’s gathering strength for his words.
“At first, I was so angry at him for leaving me in this fucked-up world. He left me alone. Nova, I was furious with him and hurt. I even hated him a little for it and thought it was selfish.” He peers up at me as if he’s expecting recrimination, and guilt fills his eyes.
“I think that’s normal,” I hedge. “You are allowed to feel however you want. You lost someone you love, so you have to just feel it.”
“That’s what Isaac said, but more . . . technical.” We both laugh then. He’s bitter and sad, so I slide closer, and he rests his head on my shoulder as I stroke his back.
“Then I just missed him so much it broke the last parts of me your father wasn’t able to.”
I swallow my own pain and tears. This is about him, not me.
“Now I can hardly remember him or the sound of his laugh. It’s like he’s fading all over again, and that scares me.”
I cup his face and force him to look at me. “No one is ever truly gone. They live on in our memories and our love for them. You may forget some things with time, but you won’t forget the way he made you feel and the love you shared. You won’t forget the important things—that you loved each other—and in the end, that’s enough.”
“You think?” he asks, searching my gaze hopefully.
“Yes, and you’ll see him now and then in other people, in places and things you shared, and be reminded of that love. Like now. You remember him as you tell me about him, right?” I smile, wiping away the tears that fall. “So, tell me everything you remember about him, and I will remember him with you. That way he will never be forgotten, and if you start to forget, I will remind you.”
“Promise?” he whispers.
“I promise,” I say solemnly with strength infused in my voice. “He was so loved, Dimitri, and sometimes that isn’t enough, but you have to know you did everything you could. Now you need to live for both of you. Let him live through you. Sometimes . . . Sometimes people aren’t meant to be here. I believe it happens for a reason, despite everything I have survived. It’s not about being strong or weak; it’s about nature. It takes the best of us, and Bassel? He sounds beautifully brilliant. He had to be for you to love him. Forgive him, Dimitri, for leaving. It’s time. He was human and imperfect. He felt like he had no other way out, and I have no doubt that, in the end, you were with him, and he wasn’t scared because of that. He was happy to go into the light knowing one day, you will join him.”
“Do you think it hurt?” he asks, sounding like a child seeking comfort.
“No,” I answer seriously. “I think for the first time in his life, it was probably the only moment he wasn’t in pain or afraid.”
It seems to settle him, and he leans into me. I hold him as he cries and lets it all out. When his tears dry up, the birds chirp above us as if signalling a fresh start. He leans back, and I clean his face, and then we start to eat again.
Here, in my meadow, in my safe space, he tells me about the man he loved, and I keep him in my soul with the man next to me, remembering and loving him for both of us.
THIRTY
After leaving the meadow, Dimitri kisses my cheek and hurries back to the computers. For a moment, I let my hand linger on my cheek, wishing it had been on the lips. I’ve been so starved for contact that these men, these ridiculously attractive men, have driven me wild with their teasing touches and looks.
I have lady blue balls, in all honesty. Remembering the way their sweaty bodies pressed to mine as we fought and the promise in their eyes . . . Yeah, it has me hurrying upstairs to my bathroom. I need to blow off some steam so I can focus on why we are here.
Kicking the old wooden door shut, I stand before the mirror above the sink, one of my hands holding the porcelain edge. Usually I would turn away, but the spark in my eyes has my breath whistling from my lips. It’s something that wasn’t there before . . . .They were always dead.
