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“D,” he begs, “talk to me. What’s going on?”
I shouldn’t respond, shouldn’t unleash the tornado of fury inside of me. I should focus it and never let it out, as her father would say. Emotions make you weak. I try, clenching my hands on the desk and closing my eyes to count like I was taught.
“Is it her sister?” he questions, hoping to understand.
One mention of her, and I’m turning with a curled lip, my nostrils flaring with the fury I can’t contain. Not when it comes to Nova. For so long, I lived in nothing but code and flashing screens. There were no emotions and no connections, I was just adrift online, but then she came and she yanked me into real life, sending me tumbling around with things I haven’t felt in years. Memories, pain, happiness and hope are all tangled up inside of me because of her, yet she also settles it. Her soft smiles, stolen touches, and comfort anchor me to this world and give me a chance to breathe.
Is she right? Is Louis? Do I retreat into computers because it’s easier not to feel anything? If so, it’s the coward’s way out, yet aren’t I doing that again? Afraid of the true depths of my feelings for this woman we only just met?
Bass would call it fate. His smile would crinkle up in that adorable way, and he would chuckle at my uncomfortable thoughts and my bumbling attempt to express what is happening in the vortex in my head. He would tell me to go for it, to take the leap, because even if you hit the bottom and crash, the fall would be worth it.
Is Nova worth it?
Yes. I know that one hundred percent, which is why I’m so angry on her behalf.
For so long, my life was carefully filed inside of my brain, locked away in folders with passcodes, but now, she’s the virus infecting them, and I can’t even be mad about it.
“D,” Louis demands, sitting next to me and turning to me as I sort through my muddled feelings.
“I hate her,” I finally admit.
“Who?” he asks, his brow furrowed. He’s dragging the words from me and leading me to a confession. That’s how Louis operates. He sees what we don’t inside of ourselves and finds the best way to coax it out, whether it be potential, trauma, or hopes. He protects us by knowing everything he possibly can, taking the blows for us, and keeping us together by pure grit.
“Her sister,” I snap, trying to control my anger. It’s not directed at him, after all.
He watches me carefully, the only one who knows what I’m truly capable of. “D, breathe.”
Nodding, I count, and only when I feel like I am on stable ground do I carry on. I’m still angry, but I’m not about to go out there and wring her fucking neck. “Okay, why do you hate her sister?” he asks slowly when he sees I’m calmer.
I give him an exasperated look, and he grins. “I know why I hate her, but D, why do you hate her?”
“For hurting Nova and not believing her. Fuck, you’ve seen Nova, Louis. She’s loyal to a fucking fault, and even after all these years, she protected her sister. I saw her face when Ana”—I sneer the name—“said she didn’t believe her. It broke her, Louis, in a way even her father wasn’t able to. It fucking killed her. She’s been betrayed, used, and hurt by her own family for so long, yet she still protected her. How fucked up is that?” Swallowing, I look back at the computer and close my eyes. “I would have done anything to have someone willing to protect me like Nova protects her sister, and yet she doesn’t even care. She threw it all away.”
“I know. I’m angry too. All we can do is be there for Nova and protect her because fuck knows she doesn’t protect herself, even from her sister.”
I nod, drumming my fingers on the desk.
There’s a scuffle outside, and Louis jerks up. After peering out, he shrugs at me and sits down heavily. His eyes are still locked on my profile, and after my outburst, I just want to go back to what makes sense, like finding answers on this hard drive, but I know he won’t let me. He has something else to say. I can feel it. He was like this when Bass . . . well, yeah, then.
He was worried I was going to explode and watched my every move.
He once told me people fear Nico and Jonas because they look like they are willing to kill because of the darkness in their gazes, but they should fear me because I would destroy the world and stand in the flames before they even realised I was a threat.
I guess that’s not wrong.
We are all a little fucked up, even Isaac who plays the perfect, doting doctor, and our fearless leader has a dark side, not that he lets it out often. That iron control was built to contain what lies within.
“You’re letting her get close,” Louis finally comments, and I almost laugh at the absurdity of it. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t give a shit about her weak sister.
“And you’re not?” I retort, lashing out in my own anger, but he doesn’t react to the barb. He simply sighs and sits back. His response only deflates me and makes me feel like rubbish for taking my issues out on him when he’s only trying to help.
“I am, and that’s what worries me,” he finally admits, sharing a shy grin with me. “She is magnificent, isn’t she? When we suggested finding his daughter, I never thought we would findher.” He shakes his head with a laugh. “Who knew such an incredible woman could be born from such cold hatred.”
“Diamonds are crushed, not made,” I reply simply, and he laughs, nudging me.
“Maybe tell her that.” He winks, and I can’t help but smile. The phone rings, and we both look at it, understanding washing through us. It’s a reminder of our duty and what we are doing here, and all traces of amusement disappear as he extracts it from his pocket and answers it with clipped greetings.
He barely speaks, and I can only hear the vague hum of words on the other end, but we all know who it is. When he hangs up, his expression is closed down and serious.
