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Grousing, I headed back to the table, the ache in my balls as painful as when I’d been around her.
Hawk was the only one who’d been quiet. When he sauntered over, I faced him. “Mustang told me you were okay with allowing the Ramirez family to make arrangements,” he said, not bothering to look me in the eyes. He knew more than the others how much the gravesite itself had bothered me. The last thing I needed was a reminder of death, even though I’d begged for it more than once.
But God hadn’t wanted to get rid of me just yet.
As I fisted my hand around the glass, I knew I had the capability as well as the desire to crush it between my fingers. “Yeah. I don’t want to be there.”
“It might do you some good,” Reaper said quietly.
“Nope.” Nothing was going to help the continued anguish rolling through my mind. While I remembered very little about my captivity or certain aspects about my past, the two incidents of tragedy lingered front and center, punishment in my mind. Maybe I deserved the pain.
“Maybe it will do us all some good,” Mustang added.
I closed my eyes, wishing I’d had the privilege of meeting the young man who’d taken my place, keeping my future grave warm. If that didn’t make me want to live, nothing would.
Or so sayeth the last great psychiatrist I’d fired.
“I say we have a toast to Justin Ramirez. A soldier who wasn’t forgotten.” Hawk lifted his glass, glancing at every man around the table.
A cold shiver shifted down my spine, but I lifted my glass as well. At least the young man would finally have his final resting place.
As well as peace.
Something I would never have.
CHAPTER8
Chasity
A few minutes earlier
“Raunchy Ride.” I said the words out loud, chastising myself for agreeing to come to the place. It wasn’t that I hated enjoying a good time, but I wasn’t in the mood to be pawed by anyone. I’d continued to debate whether or not I wanted to attend the bachelorette party all day. I had no desire to pretend to have fun, especially given the foreboding feeling that remained in the back of my mind. However, I knew Shelly wouldn’t allow me to live it down if I didn’t show, even if I only stayed for a half hour.
As I walked closer to the entrance, I still had the heebie-jeebies. I remained leery of almost everyone, which was ridiculous. I’d also turned around in a full circle, searching the well-lit parking lot. Other than a few people heading toward the bar, there was nothing ominous hiding in the shadows. Swallowing, I couldn’t rid myself of the sick feeling I was being watched.
You need to stop it. The roses were an anomaly.
If only I could buy into what my inner voice was saying.
Sighing, I headed toward the entrance, my muscles tightening. I was no longer a bar hopper under the best of circumstances. Those days were long gone. Even before I reached the door, the blaring music assaulted my senses. The beefy bouncers, while attractive, annoyed me the second I walked in, acting as if I was intruding. After paying the entrance fee and stepping further inside, the sight of a band stuck behind a wire cage did nothing to provide a warm welcome. I half expected to see beer bottles tossed at any moment.
I felt like a fish out of water, about ready to turn around and leave when I heard boisterous laughter from the darkest part of the oversized room. The ratio of men to women was seventy/thirty, at least some of the cowboys I’d consider eye candy. As I weaved my way through the raucous crowd, my ass was grabbed at least three times, which boosted my already surly mood.
“There you are!” Shelly called, beckoning me over.
By the time I reached the festive table, it was obvious I was late to the party, the dozen or so girls surrounding the table already on their way to full intoxication. They’d shoved several tables together, taking up a decent spot in front of the dance floor. Their table looked like an entire Mardi Gras was happening, balloons and streamers everywhere. As I crowded closer, I couldn’t help but notice there were at least ten cowboys who had their eye on the group. I’d make it twenty minutes, tops.
“She’s here!” Maggie yelled from the other end, picking up and blowing a noisemaker, the sound loud enough I cringed.
“I’m so glad you came,” Emily drawled. The girl was wearing a tiara and a virginal white outfit that Madonna would probably be embarrassed to be seen in. No, she wasn’t trying to draw attention from every red-blooded male in the room, the beacon screaming, ‘a few more nights to fuck.’ I was never getting married. There was no need for a ranch with all the trimmings, including two or three kids running under my feet. I predicted she’d be divorced in less than three years.
I knew I shouldn’t think that way, but I remained in a surly mood.
“I’m sorry. I had a few things to take care of,” I muttered, trying to plant a smile on my face. I barely knew Emily, although she worked in the hospital.
“Well, it’s time to par-tay,” Shelly said, her grin widened by the margarita she had in her hand. And I had a feeling it wasn’t her first one.
“The party wouldn’t be the same without you here,” Emily exclaimed as she headed in my direction. The girl was already slurring her words and it wasn’t even nine o’clock yet. When she wrapped her arms around me, I stiffened. She leaned back seconds later, lifting her arm into the air. “Oh, gorgeous waiter. This girl needs a drink. Maybe five. She needs to catch up.”
