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I ponder her question as I sip my water. There’s a need to tell Freddy of my situation, ofoursituation. The concept of being a mother is something I’ve always wanted, but I only want children when I’m secure enough in my surroundings and in my pocket. I have neither. This whole town is viewing me sideways. My job told me to stay home, and I can’t imagine Angela taking me back in, and it has nothing to do with her having been on a date with Freddy. It’s that she is the moral ideal of a good Hillpike woman. Her natural love for tradition will repel any sign of me. At least, that’s what my gut feels.
“Do you have enough money on you?” Flora asks me, shuffling a deck of oracle cards.
“I have several hundred, but that’s not enough for relocating.” I scoff.
“Feel free to crash on my couch this evening. You may need more time to decide what you want to do.”
I nod and thank her. I’m not sure if that’s something I want to do because my mind is so restless. I want an answer now, so I can act on it as soon as possible. I don’t want to see Emily’s car slowly driving past this blue shack, curious and filled with giggles wondering if I’m still here or not. I also don’t want my mother and father to get word that I am here and coming to demand I come back. And I can’t trouble Freddy anymore. I know we both did this together, but he’s trying to get his son, and the last thing I want is to be a burden on him. I can only imagine how tight he’d probably hold his face after finding out I’m carrying his child.
Oh, brother.
I feel like disappearing. Running so far deep into the literal forest and staying there to raise my child. Maybe I’ll make my own little shack in the forest and paint it red. I can be the red shack lady while Flora is the blue shack lady. My head is dizzy with crazy thoughts.
Flora makes me a simple lentil soup, but it’s so nourishing that it begs my body to take up space on her couch. I stare up at her ceiling and count her interior windchimes that hang above me as if I’m a baby fascinated with its crib mobile. Inevitably, their breezy clinks and chimes persuade me into a much-needed rest.
Chapter 20
Freddy
Ideally,Idon’twantto be returning to Chicago without Sadie. But I have no other choice. She’s refusing my calls and texted me to communicate with her by text only. If only she would text me back.
My instincts tell me she is okay, but her silence is shocking. It doesn’t make sense since she can be so impulsive. Maybe this could be how she responds to challenging things.
Parts of her beautiful body were printed up and sent to her family. I can only imagine the emotional and mental scarring she’s possibly feeling.
Courtney is one sick individual, and I can only pray that she gets what she deserves. I want to punch life because I want Dustin to have a loving mother he can look up to. Not someone he despises. It will take a lot for me to hide my views about Courtney in front of Dustin. I need him to carry love for women and not distrust. This will take time. I must take time.
I’m now ten minutes away from taking up space at an Airbnb near my storage space in my old neighborhood in Chicago. This drive has been terribly long and contemplative. After obeying Braxton’s advice to burn those photos, I’ve been so lost in this eerie web of back-to-back thoughts that I feel too heavy to even smile appropriately at the Airbnb host.
He shows me to my spot, which happens to be a coach house. There are a handful of northside homes in Lincoln Park with the space to include a coach house. These are not inexpensive homes. The interior of this coach house contains two rooms, so when Dustin returns next week, I will have space for him. But first, I must speak with my lawyer.
I set my duffel bag on the polished wooden floor and look at my phone. I’m curious what Sadie is doing right now. I hope she has someone to confide in, but something tells me she probably doesn’t have the best pair of ears to share her problems with.
I send her a text:Call me please or text me, please. I want to know if you are okay.
Braxton has always been my number-one person to call and talk to. My parents in California are incredible and have always been by my side since they’ve been in my life. But I feel gutted. I can see them trying to decipher why I’d choose to sleep with Sadie. This is not something to share with them.
I glance at my phone. Still waiting for a response from Sadie.
I check out the digs of this nice-looking space. I’m grateful it’s not as drabby as the Dartmouth Motel was. Elizabeth, the owner, booted me out so fast after Braxton left that I had to burn the pictures of Sadie once I got twenty miles from Hillpike. But unlike Dartmouth, which granted me a small coffee pot for daily coffee, this Airbnb offers a top-notch espresso machine that is incredibly easy to use.
Even with all the perks of full windows, a rainfall shower head, soft fabric plush towels, and even a gorgeous bouquet of flowers on the kitchen island, there is no Sadie. Sadie made the Dartmouth Motel feel like paradise. We soiled those bedsheets with so much intense lovemaking that I’ve memorized the smell of us together so profoundly that I can call on it if I ever feel down. For fuck’s sake, this all feels too heavy to not be love.
I check my phone, but still no response.
Knowing Sadie’s boisterous natural demeanor, I can’t imagine Braxton or Julia taking her phone from her. Plus, she’s twenty-five, a grown woman in a town that places only a couple of expectations on her; to be a wife and a mother. Not to live life fully. Hillpike will arrest her development if she’s not careful.
My phone rings. My heart jumps, but then I see it’s Dustin on FaceTime. This brings me joy right when I need it.
“Hey, son! How are you?”
He’s outside wearing a grimace as he sits on a wooden porch chair.
“What’s wrong, kid?”
“I just got off the phone with mom.”
I want to punch the air because I’m suddenly full of ideas about what Courtney said to him.
