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“Seriously?” I can hear her hands slam against the closed door. “We need to go over your set list. I want all of those songs on there tomorrow. And we need new assistants back here. I’ve set up an interview…”
I tune her out. It’s not hard, it feels like my entire body is far away. The only time I feel myself is onstage, and even that is just a pretty performance.
I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore.
I don’t get dressed, not right away. My entire body feels heavy, like I’ve left every bit of energy I’ve ever had on stage. My shoulders sag as I approach the mirror. There’s a shitty stool in front of it – they save the glitz here for the stage – and it creaks as I sink on top of it. I could probably demand a better dressing room, but without her here, it’s just a place I waste my time when I’m not singing.
I look in the polished mirror, expecting to see someone that looks as horrible as I feel. But it’s the same face. Different hair – I really need to shave my sides, I’m beginning to look more like a sponge than a musician. My skin is the same light gray, only slightly paler. I haven’t been outside much, only leaving my house at night to come here. Thenzi or my sister can only cajole me outside a couple times a week, but it’s apparently enough to keep a deathly pallor away.
That wouldn’t play well beneath the harsh stage lights.
I don’t look older, but I feel ancient. My eyes look hollow and defeated. Not at all how I imagined I’d look after selling out a club years ago. Isn’t this everything I’ve ever wanted?
Where did I go wrong?
“She doesn’t want you,” I tell the pathetic reflection. “She left. Get over it.”
The reflection doesn’t seem like he’s going to take that under advisement at all. He rolls his eyes at me for even trying.
He’s heard the same speech every night for the past year.
I light a zash and take a long drag. The smoke feels good in my lungs, and the habit soothes me enough that I can step away from the mirror and start peeling off my stage costume. Thenzi says it will strangle my voice, but maybe I want it strangled. If selling out the best slot of the night doesn’t make me happy, what will?
Only Sienna. It’s so cliche it almost makes me laugh. At least my love songs have been in top form. I really ought to send her a thank you card. Leaving me is probably the best thing she could have done for my career, even if my instruments sound like shit.
I could get over her. I know I could, if I just tried.
But I don’t want to try.
And that’s the real problem.
13
SIENNA
“Good morning!” I look up to see Annalise coming in, stopping by to say hello like she does every morning on her way into her shop.
I can’t believe I was so lucky to meet someone like her. She’s been an absolute treasure in my life. When I came to her two years ago, I was an absolute mess with no idea what I was going to do with my life.
But Annalise took me into Lucy’s home and sat me down in the sitting room and had me tell her everything that was going on. I didn’t tell her all the details—nothing about Rhovier’s threats—but I told her enough that she fully understood my situation and she hugged me, brushed away my tears and promised her husband could help me.
When her children came downstairs, I realized just how amazing Annalise was—her children were just like her. The three of them distracted me with jokes and games as we walked across town to her husband’s shop, practically making me forget why I was upset in the first place.
And then I met Miothro.
“Hello sir,” I greeted him with a curtsy and he waved me off.
“No,” he said. “No sir here. No master either. We’re all equals in my view. I understand your predicament. I’ve helped my sister-in-law in a similar situation. Come back tomorrow and we can discuss a position with you, working for me.”
“Thank you!” I said, shaking his hand vigorously. Annalise hugged me again and kissed my cheek, promising that her husband was a good man and that I didn’t have to worry anymore.
I spent the evening staying with Lucy in her home and the next day when I came back, Miothro gave me the surprise of my life. He had bought the shop across the street from his stationary store and was turning it into a music shop. Not only that but he went to the theater himself and bought out my contract.
He offered me the position of shopkeeper for the music shop and I remember I cried all day from shock and happiness. There were so many instruments and copies of sheet music being brought in—it was like Helias on Protheka.
Not only that but the space above the shop was being converted to housing for me. I could live right above the place I worked. I wouldn’t even have to venture out unless I wanted to—me and my child would be so safe here! Especially with the stationary store right across the street.
Honestly, I was so lucky to find Annalise and Miothro. They understand my situation better than anyone else I could have asked.
