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But it makes me glow like a fucking lantern.
“I like him, too,” I offer. “I…”
I trail off, looking at her helplessly. There’s so much I want to say, but nothing I want to say in front of Ezra. I don’t want to start a fight. And all the reasons she didn’t tell pale next to the reality of my son in my arms.
I have a son.
I’m not going to lose him. Even if it means swallowing my pride.
But he finally tires of me and whines to be let down. I set him on his little feet and he immediately starts toddling off towards a row of instruments. Sienna scoops him up with a sigh and he begins to fuss.
“It’s his dinnertime,” she says apologetically.
They’re leaving. Of course they are, I can’t expect them to stay in a music shop all night. But an instinctual panic seizes me anyway.
The first time she ran away, there had been no signs. No warnings. One day there, the next, gone.
I can’t imagine surviving that a second time, knowing that she has my son.
“Sienna.” My voice is as close to begging as I’ve ever heard it. “Please tell me what I need to do in order to see him again.”
I’ll do anything.
But she doesn’t ask me for anything, she just asks me to join her for dinner. It’s a short stroll to her penthouse, but it takes a long time with a toddler. Sometimes Sienna rushes him along, but sometimes she lets him explore. She waits patiently as he tugs a flower off a bush, and tugs him up on her hip without complaint when his legs get too tired to walk.
“I’ve got him.”
She looks at me, as if surprised to see I’m there. “Right. Thanks.”
I hold him, trying not to be bitter. I want to tell her that this could have been us. Doesn’t she see this could have been us two years ago?
But I can’t march us into the past. Instead, I walk towards her penthouse. It’s beautiful, and I suspect someone else is paying for it, probably Miothro. Maybe I should be jealous, but I know what a valuable employee she is, and after seeing Miothro’s face when his wife walked in, I suspect he’s deeply in love with his own wife.
Mostly I’m just upset because I would have done the same for her if she’d have let me. We’d be married right now, settling into our own home for dinner, and…
And for whatever reason, she didn’t want that.
“Nice place.”
Sienna looks embarrassed. “Thank you. I’m sorry it’s such a mess, but…with work…”
It isn’t a mess at all, I don’t think. Just lived in. There are a few toddler toys scattered here and there, and some laundry that hasn’t been folded. One table seems to have been designated the spot where everything miscellaneous is stacked, and a bowl from the morning sits on a small table.
Ezra, who I’m growing to learn has an unerring sense for chaos, dives right toward it and spills old milk all over the floor.
He looks at the mess in alarm, like he’s been personally victimized by the errant bowl, and starts to sob.
“Oh!” Sienna is stressed, cheeks red, but she kneels down to look Ezra in the eyes. “You’re okay, sweetheart. It’s just a spill.”
“Mama.” He hiccups. “Mamapillmama.”
“Yeah, a spill. Here, go over…”
She’s about to send him to me to watch over, but I’ve cleaned up more than a few spills in my life. For all I know, he gets the clumsiness from me. I mop up the mess and set the bowl in the sink.
“No harm done,” I say. “See?”
Sienna looks at me for a moment, blinking, but in that moment Ezra is off. This time he settles next to a toy, but I don’t think it’ll keep his attention long if he’s anything like me.
