AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I wokeup this morning feeling low. Lower than I’ve ever felt in my entire existence. My mind constantly wanders back to what happened last night.
I’m not a virgin anymore…
That’s kind of a lot to process so I’m just going to put it at the back of my mind for now. Though between my legs is sore and I wince every time I even make the slightest movement.
I’m also trying to figure out what is wrong with me, because I feel things for someone that has psycho tendencies. I don’t know why I seem to like it when he’s rough with me or when he degrades me. That is a mystery to me.
But back to the whole virginity bit. I still can’t believe it happened with Knox of all people. On the one hand. I kind of liked it but then, I didn’t when he was back to being his usual asshole self. On the other hand, I didn’t exactly want to lose my virginity yesterday. But I guess what’s done is done, and I can’t do anything about it.
I still can’t believe that the asshole chased me through the house when I tried to get away from him. When I saw his expression, he was still definitely pissed from the news of our parents but he was also enjoying the chase. I’d love to know what kind of kinks he’s into because I’m sure he’s into a lot of them.
I’m beginning to think that maybe he’s not right in the head. Chasing me around was definitely a turn on for the psycho if I was being honest.
I was acting like a bitch in heat for him when he touched me. Guess something is wrong with me too. It seems as though I’m just as sick as he is.
I mean it was hot—not the point, Raine…
The good feeling I felt disappeared when he said all those mean things to me right after.
Cow, ugly, fat, whore, slut, pig…
I went from feeling good to feeling dirty all over. The words everyone usually utters fill my head yet again. It seems as though they’re always at the forefront of my mind and it hurts. The words have a life of their own. They keep screaming inside my head all day. I don’t know how to keep them at bay anymore. I’m starting to fall apart and coping is getting harder and harder the longer I’m in this town.
I know you shouldn’t let other people’s words bother you but when you keep hearing the same thing over and over again, it starts to leave scars. Some of them might be invisible scars, but they’re scars, nonetheless.
I wish I didn’t exist anymore because my existence fucking sucks. Why can’t people just be kind and nice? Why do they have to tear someone down just to feel better about themselves or to make themselves feel more important around the people doing the same shit? It’s like a race to see who can humiliate the new girl the worst.
The world would be such an amazing place if we didn’t have to constantly deal with hate from other people toward us when we’re just trying to exist and not bother anyone.
Even if it isn’t affecting us directly, it still hurts. No one deserves to be treated like they don’t matter. I wish the hateful people realized that. Just because you’re different, it doesn’t mean anyone should look down on you.
I wish the world I lived in right now was a better place to be. I know it’s wishful thinking but a girl can dream, can’t she?
I roll over in my bed and once I’m lying on my tummy, I instantly feel the twinge of pain from the cuts I made on my stomach last night after Knox left. I hate that I did that, but it felt cathartic somehow. It made me think about something other than the pain and confusion embedded in my heart and soul.
I keep wondering why everyone hates me when I’ve done nothing to them. Even when I try to keep to myself, it never works out. Someone is always doing something to me to make themselves look important to the rest of the masses.
A knock sounds on my door and a moment later, my mom pokes her head into my room. I didn’t know what time she came home last night since I was dealing with my own shit.
“Honey, are you okay? You’re not up yet. Are you not going to school today?” she asks as she walks into my room to check on me.
“I don’t feel too good, Mom. My tummy and head hurt. Can I stay home today?” I ask, hoping she’ll say yes, no questions asked. It’s not often I ask to stay home so I’m guessing she’s worried if the expression on her face is anything to go by. She sits on the side of my bed and checks my forehead with a frown on her face.
“Do you want me to take you to the doctor? I can call out of work today,” she tells me.
“No, Mom. It’s okay. It’s just one of those days, you know?”
“Okay, fine. You can stay home today. But call me if whatever you’re feeling gets worse,” she demands and I roll my eyes playfully.
“I’ll be okay, Mom. I’m not a five-year-old, you know,” I tell her, laughing.
“Well, I don’t care how old you are, I’ll always be worried and you’ll always be my baby,” she tells me matter-of-factly.
“Yeah, yeah. Really, Mom, I’m fine. I’ll just spend the day relaxing in bed. Maybe the stress of moving and the new school has gotten to me a little bit. But you’ll see, by tomorrow, I’ll be as fit as a horse,” I tell her, giving her the biggest and fakest smile I can muster. Now it’s her turn to roll her eyes at me.
“I’ll make you some breakfast and leave it on your bed. Go take a shower and maybe you’ll feel a little better. Then you can sleep it off,” she tells me as she gets up from my bed.
“You don’t have to, Mom. You’ll be late—” I start to say but then cut myself off.
