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“I don’t even know why the fuck she would do something like this! Didn’t she fucking know I needed her?” I cry. I don’t even know why the hell I’m asking them questions. It’s not like anyone has the answers. The only person who would is fucking dead. She can’t tell me why she even thought doing that shit was the only thing for her to do.
“I’m so sorry for your loss, brother,” Ax and Ez both say and I nod my head at them.
“Let’s go into the den. I’m guessing you want to keep drinking?” Asher asks.
“Fuck yes!” I need something to take all this fucking anguish away. “I can’t deal with anything else tonight,” I tell them truthfully.
I need to get wasted before I can come to terms with the fact that the life I once knew is over and I’ll have to deal with a new reality when morning comes. The guys keep me company all night. We all end up drinking and getting wasted until the sun comes up.
It’s been a few agonizing days since I found my mom dead on her bed after she overdosed on her pills. Today’s Friday and it’s the day of her funeral. The pressure in my chest hasn’t lessened one bit, and I’m spiraling as the days go by.
I’ve been numb this whole week. The reality that she’s dead hasn’t fully sunken in it. I’m still hoping that it’s a dream and I’ll wake up from this nightmare soon. But with all the activity that’s been going on, it’s not hard to miss, and it brings me back to reality.
Dad got home Monday morning and found me and the guys passed out after drinking ourselves into oblivion. As soon as I saw him, I broke down again, not even caring about anyone else in the house seeing me in this state. Our house has been filled with a flurry of activity of people coming in and out since the news broke and Dad made it home. After that, I let him take over. I wasn’t fit to do anything.
Right now, I’m drunk and high off weed. Probably not the best state to be in for your mother’s funeral, right? But I’m so fucking pissed at her for doing this shit to me in the first place. I still have a few hours to get my shit together, so I’m sure I’ll at least be half sober by then.
Losing her has definitely messed with me and fucked me up for good. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to go on and live without her there to cheer me on and support me. Those thoughts whenever they surface, just make my hate for her increase. I don’t really hate her, but when your anger and pain overrides everything else, then hate is the only thing you want to feel sometimes.
Truthfully, I don’t even know if I’ll have the strength to even make it to the funeral. I have no idea where my dad is, but I’m glad he’s not here and on my ass. I would probably lose it.
I admit in the days since my world was flipped upside down, I’ve been spiraling. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to function or be normal again. The agony is just all-consuming.
I stumble into my room after taking a shower to try and sober up a bit. The guys have been over every day and I appreciate them so much for that. But sometimes I wish I was alone to just drown in my own sorrows without having anyone there to watch me fall apart.
After I’m done putting on some boxers, I stumble my way back to my bed and open my nightstand drawer to look for my lighter. I’ve never been into smoking before, but for the past three days, I needed something to take the edge off and smoking helps.
I can’t go too crazy. Coach has us tested and I could ruin my chance at football. That’s probably the only thing that will keep me sane after the funeral. I can’t blow my chances and get kicked off the team. He probably wouldn’t kick me off the team since I’m his best player.
When I open the drawer, I see the envelope that Mom left me on top of my stuff where I shoved it after I first picked it up. I instantly feel my chest tighten at the thoughts of what could be inside. I’m sure it’s a letter and the contents better not fuck me up more than I already am.
After staring at it for what feels like an eternity, I finally pick it up to read it now. I was holding off on it and was going to wait until I was in a better place mentally, but something about it is pulling at me to read it now.
Giving in, I open it and start reading. While reading, my hands clench and unclench as rage like I’ve never known before engulfs me. A guttural roar leaves me when I get to the end of it and I slam my fist against the wall repeatedly as more agony fills me.
My mother killed herself because—
My fists clench again as I think about all the things I’ve missed because I was too busy with practice or going to some party with the guys. Now I feel like I’m at fault somehow for her death because I wasn’t here for her.
There’s a link to an online drive with the username and password in the letter and I grab my laptop and log on. The contents of what she has stored on here makes a hatred so fierce brew up inside me that it takes over my entire being.
I look at all the pictures and read all the information she had gathered. By the time I’m done, I’m disgusted. Forget the pain. All I feel now is hate and I’m not sure anything can change that. It doesn’t take long for me to make up my mind about what I’m going to do and how I’m going to get my revenge.
The hate and need for vengeance festers inside me until I feel like I’m about to burst. I’m not going to self-destruct anymore. Instead, I’m going to use all that energy to make them pay. I’ll destroy them. That’s the better way to deal with my anger and hatred.
I managed to sober up by the time the funeral service was scheduled to begin. The guys and Kinsley all came over and made sure I was ready to face what lay ahead. I wasn’t ready, but I had to.
“Oh my God, Knox! I’m so sorry!” Kinsley says as she rushes over to me and wraps her arms around my waist. She starts to cry and I hug her closer to me.
“Thanks, babe,” I say to lighten the mood a little. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine! Can I get you anything? Do you need me to do anything for you? Are you eating?” She fires off question after question.
“What are you, my mother?” I ask with a smile at her protectiveness but a second later, it falls as I realize what I just said.
“I’ve got you,” she whispers, hugging me again. The guys all come in too and they form a circle around me. Honestly, I’m thankful that they’ve been here for me every day since that night. I don’t know what I would’ve done without them.
“It’s time,” Asher says a minute later, then clears his throat.
