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Sometimes when it can’t be avoided and I’m in the same room as him, I see the way he tries to hold himself back. Those are the times when I run into my room to avoid any sort of confrontation. It still feels like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff, waiting for him to either pull me back or push me over.
It’s quite exhausting and I’m barely coping. I don’t know how I went from being so full of life with good grades to being nothing but a shell of my former self.
I might look different now, but I hate myself. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I hate the girl who stares back at me. I thought I’d love her when she looked the way she does now but it was nothing but a fantasy or more like an illusion.
It’s difficult to love this version of myself because I created her for them. I didn’t create her for me, and that’s what I took this long to realize.How could you possibly love something you created to please other people and not yourself?
Even though I know all of this, I still can’t stop myself from going along the path I’m currently on. I’ve been on it for weeks. I’m not sure I can break the bad habits that I’ve picked up. It physically pains me to look at myself these days if I am being honest.
The last few times Knox fucked me, I always made sure it was dark, or I was wearing my shirt at least. I didn’t want him to see the map of my destruction across my skin. He probably wouldn’t care if he saw them, but just the idea of him seeing me like that makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know what would come out of his mouth but I know it would probably be something that would crush me, and I just can’t bear that thought. Plus, I’m ashamed of what I’ve done.
But even though I’m ashamed of my actions, I couldn’t stop if I wanted to. The pills, the cutting, it’s all become a part of my everyday life, and I don’t know how to cut the bad habit. I know it won’t make any sense, but cutting has become a source of peace for me. The scent of blood as I slice my skin calms me instantly and makes the noise inside my head go from being loud to being a dull ache instead. That’s all I need, especially on the really bad days.
I let out a sigh as I come back to the present and out of my head. I put the finishing touches on my makeup and then pull on my dress. I had to get it altered a little earlier this week. The weight loss made it loose. I take a seat on my bed to put my shoes on before grabbing my clutch.
Knowing that today is going to be somewhat stressful, especially with the whole town there and my anxiety being bad, I take a Percocet and pop them in my mouth before I open my door to step out of my room. As soon as I’m in the hallway, Knox steps out of his room too.
Whenever he’s near, my mind always seems to gravitate toward him. I look him up from head to toe and I’m instantly breathless with how gorgeous he looks. He’s dressed in a black tux that fits him to perfection. He gives me the once-over and I can see the lust in his eyes. His electric blue eyes captivate me just like they always do.
Whenever I look into them, it always looks like he’s at war with himself. I wish I knew what it was but I know he’d never tell me if something was bothering him. A slut like me doesn’t deserve to know his inner thoughts. He said that once when I made the mistake of asking if he was okay and wanted to talk.
A wave of sadness washes over me at the fact that we’ll never be anything. I know that maybe there’s some good in him but it’s a side of him I don’t think I’ll ever see. He’ll always hate me. Even when he tries to hide it, I still feel it all the same. Now that our parents are getting married, things seem like they’ll just become more complicated.
“You look handsome,” I choke out through my unraveling emotions.
“Thanks. Uh, you look… nice,” he finally says.
I nod, and then without another word, walk away from him. I won’t let him see how much his actions affect me, even though he probably already knows. It’s not like he’ll even care anyway. We’ve been fucking for weeks and he could barely get himself to say that I looked nice.
I’d laugh if it didn’t hurt so much. I hear his footsteps behind me but I keep heading down the stairs. Mom already left for the church but I know that Jonathan is still here. Knox and I are supposed to ride with him.
“You excited for today, kiddo?” he asks as he gives me a smile when I make it down the last step.
“Super excited!” I say, faking my enthusiasm.
I’m not really excited, but I’m definitely not saying that. I don’t want to ruin his day. In the week since we moved into his mansion, I’ve had a few conversations with him and he’s been very nice to me. I don’t want to be a bitch. I like talking to him, even though his son always gives me the death glare whenever he’s around to witness it.
“Let’s go then! I don’t want to be late to my own wedding!” he says and laughs. I laugh along with him.
Knox and I both follow him outside to the waiting limo and get in. Jonathan sits next to me and Knox sits across from us. The tension I noticed when I first moved in is still there between them and I wonder what’s the cause of it.
Knox always looks like he wants to kill his dad, while Jonathan pretends like everything is fine between them. Or maybe he does believe that everything is fine.
Right now, Knox’s face is a mask of hate and anger, though when he catches me looking, it turns to one of indifference. He’s clenching and unclenching his jaw every few minutes and I’m wondering what’s eating him. I’m sure it’s the thought of our parents getting married. I mean, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.
In no time, we pull up to the church. When I step out of the limo, I stand there and take in the beauty in front of me. It’s not the main church that people go to, which was the one where they held Knox’s mom’s funeral. Nope, this is something I’ve never even seen before since I’ve barely explored the town at all.
I’m in awe of it. It’s made entirely of glass with a huge glass dome at the top. The whole place is literally breathtaking. Even from out here I can see all the flowers that are decorating the outside and inside of this place.
I feel a nudge on my back and when I turn around, I see Knox looking at me with a raised eyebrow. I didn’t realize I was just standing there and staring.
“Sorry,” I say, my cheeks heating with embarrassment.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Jonathan asks with a wink and I smile at him, thankful that he filled the silence so I don’t feel like a complete idiot.
“It is. I’ve never seen anything like it before,” I tell him. It’s an afternoon wedding, so the sun isn’t that hot right now. I’m sure they probably have measures in place to keep the sun out so it isn’t blasting everyone inside.
“Let’s go inside then,” he tells me as he begins to walk in the direction of the stairs.
