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One
KNOX
I lieawake in bed with Raine next to me, staring at her as she sleeps. She looks so beautiful and peaceful. She’s become the light to the dark existence that my life has become, and I don’t want to lose any of that shine and warmth that she gives me without even knowing it.
I know it’s probably creepy, but I don’t care. I’ve kept a close eye on her for the past three days because I’m scared that if I take my eyes off her, she’ll do something she can’t come back from. At this point, I can’t have that.
Not now, not ever.
She means too much to me now. I wish I would’ve had this foresight from the beginning, but too bad things don’t work like that. All I can do now is prove to her that I’ll do whatever it takes to make her happy again.
I’m not even sure if she ever was in the first place since I’ve only ever seen her unhappy.
I can’t believe that it’s only been three days since the wedding. It feels like so much has happened in that time.
Obviously, I’m the one to blame but, yeah, everyone is right when they say that hurt people, hurt people. That statement sums up my entire existence since Raine and her mother moved to Riverside.
It’s also been three days since the hospital incident, after I discovered Raine in the backyard with her arms bleeding because she was cutting herself.
She was fucking self-harming, and I had no clue. Though, before that night, I hate to admit that I’m not sure if I would have cared or not, had I known.
That same night was the night I also found out that she was popping pills like fucking candy. The ache in my chest at that little tidbit of information was too much to swallow at the moment. The thought of losing her like I did my mom made me break out in a cold sweat. I didn’t want that happening to her, too.
The impact of it all hit me full force and made me realize just how fucking much she means to me and how much I don’t want her to leave this earth and leave me all alone.
If she leaves me, Iwillbe all alone. I may not hate her anymore, but I still fucking hate my father since he was the cause of this whole shitstorm I’ve found myself in. I mean, obviously he didn’t make me do shit, but he was the catalyst for it all.
I keep counting the days after her hospital visit in my head because it serves as a reminder of what a complete and horrible prick I was to my baby.
I’ll never be able to get the sight of my destruction against her out of my mind, for as long as I live. I can only hope that I’ll eventually be able to make it up to her.I mean, she can’t hate me forever, right?
The image of her in that state in her hospital room still haunts me. When I walked in on her getting ready to change her clothes, and I saw her body littered with scars, was when everything I did really hit me.
I realized that all the shit I did to her, along with everyone else, affected her more than she ever let on. She put on a brave face every day, suffering in silence, and that was what made me realize that I didn’t want to hurt her anymore.
The words she carved into her stomach were the ones I, along with everyone else, called her. It made me sick to my stomach to see them there on her perfect skin. I know it’s all my fault, so I don’t expect anyone to feel sorry for me.
I also don’t blame her for doing what she thought was necessary, or maybe it was her only way to cope. Now, I definitely wanted to kick my own ass for being… well, a dumbass.
I don’t know what the hell happened to me, but seeing her in that state is what made me realize and admit to myself that I was in love with her. I don’t know where that feeling came from, or maybe it was building for a while, but somehow realizing my feelings feels like it was inevitable.
The only thing standing in my way is the secret we’re all keeping from her. I definitely won’t be the one telling her about it though, because then she’ll really hate me. Ignorance is bliss, so I’m thinking of never telling her at all. It will hurt her, and I already promised myself that I won’t intentionally hurt her anymore.
Now, every time I look at her, I want to fall to my knees and beg her for her forgiveness. But I know that forgiveness is far from her mind right now. Not after everything she just went through and is still raw from. And honestly, I don’t blame her.
But that doesn’t mean I’ll give up trying to make her fall in love with me. It just means that I’ll have to actually work for it and do everything in my power to make her see that she belongs to me.
No matter how much she protests, I’ll make sure she understands who owns her because she’s not ready for a love like mine.
The game changed three days ago and I hope she’s ready for me. I know her weaknesses and how she responds to me, and I intend to take full advantage of that. You can call it playing dirty, but I call it winning. Since she’s what I’ll be winning, I don’t care if I’m playing dirty or not.
Somehow or the other, I’m going to love her back to life. Again, the thought of a world without her in it is not one that I want. It’s like a knife slicing at my chest just thinking about it.
Her wordsI just want to die. You’ve made me hate life so much,are words that are stuck in my head on repeat. I wish I could change her mind right away, but I know that’s impossible. It will take a lot of time to get her to love life again, and I’m prepared for the challenge.
That’s the reason I’ve been stuck to her like glue since I brought her home from the hospital. I figure if I blindside her and make a general nuisance of myself by showing her that I care, she won’t be able to resist my charms eventually.
Her hatred for me has been at an all-time high because she’s made it known on multiple occasions since we’ve been home, but again, I don’t give a fuck. I just ignore her protests and continue to care for her.
