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Five
RAINE
Numbness…
It’s the only thing I’ve been feeling since I felt my soul break last night. It was painful to feel it break more last night than it ever has, even after all I’ve suffered through in the last few weeks.
I will never understand how life can be so fucking unfair to the gentle souls of this world. Why do we need to suffer through things that feel impossible to survive? And for what? No apparent reason at all.So, fucking unfair!
I’ve heard the‘strongest battle to the bravest soldiers’saying before and it’s just a bunch of bullshit to me. Why aren’t the mean people, the evil people, and all the ones who consistently do bad things, the ones suffering? Why are the soft ones, the ones who don’t bother anyone else, the ones who always have horrible shit done to them? Yeah, I know that’s supposedly life, but I fucking hate it.
At this point though, I guess feeling numb is better than feeling the pain of it all, isn’t it? I’m barely holding on by a thread, or rather barely holding on to my sanity here. I’m honestly not sure how or if I’m even going to survive the coming days.
Knowing the person I’ve become, especially after all the bullying, and then after the incident last night, I’m more than likely to act out since that seems to be the only way to keep all my pain and suffering at bay.
I tried… I tried so fucking hard to keep my head afloat but I think it’s time to admit that I’m drowning.
I’m fucking drowning in a sea filled with nothing but hatred and heartache. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to pull my head above the water again. It feels like too much effort to do so and I’m drained right now. I don’t have the energy to put any effort into my life anymore.
I’m just a broken shell of who I used to be…
My thoughts slip to when Bailee opened the door for me this morning and a faint smile tips the corner of my lip before it’s gone again. I have nothing to smile about.
“I’ll chew you out later when you’re not a sobbing mess. So, for right now, just come in,” she had said to me when the shock of seeing me on her doorstep unannounced wore off. I smiled at that for a second before it vanished. Once we got inside her house, she pulled me in for a long hug. “Come on, let’s go up to my room so we can talk.”
“I’m sorry for just showing up here out of the blue. I just needed an escape for a little while,” I told her. At least today was Saturday, so she didn’t have school. Though I know for sure she wouldn’t have gone to school if it was a school day anyway.
“Don’t be an idiot, babe! I love you and I’m so glad you’re here, but you have a lot of explaining to do,” she said, giving me a pointed look, while eyeing up my face. It was her look that said I wasn’t getting out of this without explaining everything to her.
“I love you too,” I told her.
I felt myself getting choked up. She pushed me gently onto her bed and then crawled in behind me, throwing her arm around my waist and pulling me in for another hug while snuggling up to me.
I’ve missed cuddling with her and the familiarity of her move made me instantly burst into tears. This is exactly what I needed and missed. Someone to just hold me while I bawled my eyes out.
“Talk to me, babe. What’s going on? And let’s start with your face because if someone did this to you, then I’m going all the way to Riverside to kick some asses!” she grumbled. I instantly let out a laugh through my tears.
“I got into a car accident and banged myself up real good,” I told her.
“Okay, well, that explains your face. Not that I don’t still love said face,” she said with a giggle.
“Gee, thanks,” I grumbled.
“Now what has you crying at the drop of a hat? Because I know there’s more,” she sassed and then waited me out.
“Just normal teenage bullshit. The kids at Riverside Academy are next level and mean petty bitches. But don’t worry, it’s nothing I can’t handle,” I said.
She’s my best friend and usually the one I tell everything to, but I realize that I don’t want to burden her with my truths and everything I’ve been facing. I’d rather give her this bullshit half-truth than the whole thing. I don’t want her to worry about me.
“Are you sure? Because you can move back here and then move in with me,” she offered and I smiled. I fucking loved this girl.
“I’m fine. I promise. I only look like shit because of the stupid accident,” I grumbled.
“What did your mom say?”
“She’s on a honeymoon cruise with Jonathan on his yacht,” I told her.
“Oh. How are things with the stepbrother? What’s he like?” she questioned.
