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When we make it home, he cleans me up and bathes me before he settles me in bed and then gets me tea and something to eat, which he has to force me to eat and drink. A few minutes after I drink the tea, I start to feel drowsy.
“What the hell did you do asshole?” I grumble.
“Just making sure you rest,” he says as my eyes flutter closed.
Twenty-One
KNOX
I’m wokenup by a sound, though I don’t know exactly what it is since I don’t hear it again. I stretch my arm out next to me to feel for Raine but all I feel is the empty and cool sheets beside me.
I abruptly sit up in bed and look around but I don’t see her anywhere in the room. I hop out of bed and rush into her bathroom, but she isn’t there either. I’m instantly in a panic because nothing good comes from her being on her own lately. She’s so intent on acting out every chance she gets.
She had another bad day yesterday and I still don’t know what brought it on or what’s causing it in the first place. Ever since I found her in New York after she ran away, when I had the away game to play on Halloween, she’s been acting weird. I don’t know what to make of it. I need to know what the hell is going on with her but I don’t want to push her too much. She’s definitely a little mentally unstable or a wild card, I should say.
I fucking hate seeing her like this and I don’t know how to help her. I’d get her psychiatric help but that would involve checking her into some kind of facility. I have a feeling she’d do something rash just to get back at me for putting her there if I actually did. I’ll risk having her hate me more than she currently does.Though when I think about it, I’d rather have her in there than dead…
Her dead is not something I want. I need to figure out what’s going on inside that head of hers. She’s falling apart a little more each day. I see it in the way she acts and the things she does but she’s keeping me out of her thoughts and feelings.
It’s a good thing I managed to get to her when I did yesterday. She was one breath away from jumping off that stupid bridge again. I’m going to have that stupid shit torn down.
Holding her while she was breaking down in my arms yet again was painful to watch. I hated every moment of seeing her struggling to get her pain out. I wish for the millionth time I could reach into her heart and just take all the pain away from there.
I know her trauma is because of me and I despise myself for it sometimes. Now I understand what it means when people say that if you’re going to go for revenge on someone you should dig two graves instead of one.
Seeing her hurting and not being able to help her the way I want to is killing me slowly on the inside. I feel so helpless and I loathe that feeling. She’s essentially in her own grave. Everything that she’s been through is suffocating her and nothing I seem to do is getting her out of that headspace.
There’s nothing but anger and pain filling her, and now I absolutely feel like I should be in one as well.Dig two graves… it all makes sense now. Only I figured it out a little too late…
I’m just about to walk past her window to go search the house for her when I hear the sound again. I stop and look through her window. It’s the one facing the backyard and the sound, I realize now, is the sound of her playing the violin.
I stand there and stare at her completely mesmerized because she looks like an absolute goddess. She’s sitting at the edge of the pool, wearing a white dress that clings to her body. All her focus is on playing whatever song she’s currently playing, blocking out the entire world around her.
I open the window a little to hear her better and I’m stunned at the level of skill she has. She plays beautifully. Now I’m no expert but the tune she’s playing sounds sad and heartbreaking. I can literally feel the emotions pouring out of her through the song. All I want to do right now is to hug her, wrap her up in my arms and never let her go.
I make my way downstairs and silently open the kitchen doors. I stand there to watch her some more. She’s so into playing the song that she definitely didn’t hear me. I keep watching as her song goes from slow to fast. Her tempo increases until she’s playing a high but sad note and I’m in love with it.
Suddenly the sky opens up and I expect her to stop playing but she doesn’t. She keeps playing. From here, I can see she has her eyes closed, engrossed in the song, not caring that she’s getting drenched. I’ve never seen her more beautiful than she is in this moment.
She does two more songs. When the last one ends, I see her shoulders start to shake and I realize that she’s sobbing. Full-body shaking sobs are pouring out of her. Shit! I don’t know what’s making her cry right now but I need to get to her. She drops her violin onto the ground before diving into the pool before I can even make a move.
I wait a few seconds but when she doesn’t resurface, I run outside and dive right in, clothes and all. I swim to the bottom and grab her by the arms before bringing us both back up to the surface. I pull her into me so that she has her legs wrapped around my waist as I keep us both floating in the water.
“What the hell are you doing? You could get sick! Why are you out of bed?” I question as I bring my hand up to her face, wiping the water out of her eyes. The rain is pouring down on us but neither of us seem to care right now.
“I couldn’t sleep,” she says.
“Why were you crying, baby? Tell me so that I can make it better,” I whisper and beg all at the same time. Her body shakes with her sobs again and I rest my forehead against hers. “Please tell me how to help you, baby. I hate seeing you like this.”
“There’s nothing you can do to help me. I’m fucking messed up in the head. Well maybe there is one thing that you can do…” she says.
“And what’s that?” I question, willing to do almost anything for her if it will help.
“You can just leave me the hell alone and live your life without me in it. I’ll deal with my own shit alone,” she says. Yeah, I’d do anything except that.
“Not going to fucking happen. You’re not messed up in the head. You’re fucking perfect. Every time I look at you, I think about how I want to lay everything that I am at your feet and then cherish the fuck out of you until the end of time. I love you so fucking much, baby,” I whisper to her.
“Love doesn’t even fucking exist. We just fool ourselves into thinking it does because none of us really want to be alone,” she says.
