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“Thanks,” I say as I turn around to leave.
“Are you going to be, okay? You can stay for dinner. I’ve missed you,” he says.
“No, you haven’t. You never called and the few times I tried, you brushed me off. You wrote me off with her the moment you signed on the dotted line,” I say, giving him a sad smile. His expression is pained but I turn around and walk away.
I don’t even know why I came here. I don’t know why I didn’t go somewhere else but I guess I wanted to hear his version of things. Now that I know, it just shows me how selfish my real parents really are.
I walk aimlessly in the rain for a while until I come across a familiar street. This is exactly where the kids from my old school used to get drugs from. I head in the direction of the house. Time to let loose and forget about all this shit.
* * *
I take a seat at the small table in the corner of the room I’m in, as I set up a few lines of coke. It’s been my drug of choice for the past two weeks and I need another hit.
Ever since I got a taste for it that night at the club in Fairview, I’ve been hooked. It feels like it’s been forever since I had any. It’s only been a few hours or was it yesterday? I’m not sure since the days all seem to blend together.
I’m currently in one of those cheap motel rooms that’s as tacky and worn out as they come. It consists of just the bed in one corner and a small round table and chair in the other. The only other thing is the lamp that’s in the middle of the room and the bathroom that has definitely seen better days.
But honestly, I couldn’t care about any of that. My mind is a jumbled mess of other things to worry about. The only thing that matters is that I’m far away from Riverside. This motel is the best I can do since I didn’t get to grab a lot of cash when I ran away two weeks ago.
I didn’t want to use my card because there’s no doubt if I do then the asshole will find me. That is, if he’s even looking for me to begin with. I let out a sigh and push my thoughts away for the millionth time since I ended up here. I simply fucking lose my composure every time I think about him.
I just hope he’s not looking. I want to be left alone to just waste away and die, which will probably be sooner rather than later if I have my way. I’m exhausted from dealing with my own head and memories.
I feel so fucking weak because of how I let it all get to me. But then I realize I’ve been strong the whole time just trying to survive, and that in itself should be rewarded a little. I had to leave Riverside. I just couldn’t stay there especially not after finding out about the miscarriage.
How can you miss and love something you didn’t even know about? The pain of losing the baby consumes me more than anything. I didn’t know, and for that I’ll always be guilty of killing my baby.
I wonder if I’d have known if I would have gotten my shit together. Who am I kidding? Of course, I would have because that baby was a piece of me… and him. As much as I hate him, I still fucking love him.
That shit was instant from the moment I laid eyes on him and I don’t know how to get rid of the feelings. They’re so ingrained in me. Maybe that’s why I’m so messed up in the head when it comes to him and us.
Am I sick? Am I a sick person for wanting the things I want? Because even though I now know that he’s my half-brother, I still fucking need him like the air I breathe. He soothed some of the demons whenever he was with me. I hate to admit it but maybe he was starting to help me heal a little after all the bullying stopped.
Every time I think about those memories of being with him, next to him, while we watched movies or shared things with each other, the closeness we were starting to build, it all hurts so fucking much.
I guess that’s why I ran. He was starting to break my walls down before the latest shit happened, and now, I’m all messed up in the head again. When the fuck does it end?
When you die…
I’m so broken, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come back from this. I had so many plans for my life and now… now it all seems impossible and a million miles away out of reach.
Not wanting to feel depressed anymore, I snort the first line of coke I had spread out. It instantly settles my mind from the chaos within as I feel it coursing through my system. I snort the next line just to be sure I’ll be high enough to forget.
I walk into the bathroom already feeling good and grab the razor I left on the sink earlier. I start to cut my arm. I make shallow cuts and do that for a while as my mind goes back to thinking about the baby I lost. Fuck! I didn’t expect that shit to hurt so much.
When I’m done, I crawl into the shower. I turn the water on and let it rain down on me as I sit there on the bathroom floor and sob. I don’t know how long I stay in there but there’s nothing but an empty void inside me when I finally manage to drag myself out.
I peel off my wet clothes and fall onto the bed. I don’t even put any clothes on or dry my skin. Why bother? The bed is hard and lumpy, and a bit itchy, but I pay no mind to it as I stare up at the ceiling and watch the shadows dance across it.
It’s around midnight but I can’t sleep. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep properly in the last two weeks. My mind has been constantly tormenting me and basic necessities have taken a back seat to it all.
I wish there was a way to make it all stop but my demons won’t let up. All I’ve done is do drugs, lie down and barely nibble on something when I feel like it. I’m so fucked up and so lost that I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.
The high helps and right now, I’m super high. The feeling is good but I know when I crash, I’ll feel like shit again. But I don’t concentrate on that.
I’m so blissed out of my fucking mind that I don’t hear the door to my room open. A moment later, something covers my nose and mouth and I start to fight. In my state, it does nothing and a moment later I succumb to the darkness that’s pulling me in its grasp once again.
Twenty-Nine
