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“What if I don’t want them to?”
“You’re probably scared and that’s because you’ve been using your storm clouds as a blanket to cover you from everything that hurts you. But it’s time to let it all go and live again. You’re so beautiful and you deserve all the happiness in the world. I promise someday soon it will all be worth it,” he tells me. “Go to sleep. I’ll be here to keep the nightmares away.”
Thirty-Three
RAINE
This week wasone of the hardest of my life. If I thought I had it bad before, it was nothing compared to the suffering I’ve faced this week. The pain, the cravings, the cold sweats and the nightmares, feeling as though I was losing my mind most of the time and wanting to end it all has left me with a feeling of helplessness I’ve never felt before.
Just trying to make it through the day without having a mental breakdown is starting to take its toll on me. It feels like nothing I do is good enough to help myself. I keep feeling as though I’m at a standstill even though somewhere inside my head I know I’m not.
I’ve been making some progress over the last few days which includes weaning myself off the cocaine. Well, not exactly weaning myself off of it, since my kidnapper won’t even give me any kind of coke or other drugs unless it’s the medication the doctor left for me. So basically, I’ve been forced to abstain from the drugs and I fucking hate every moment of torture I’ve been facing because of it.
I think back to the events of this morning as I sit here staring down at the papers in front of me. Today was the third visit from the doctor, which makes it five days in total since I met the man and have been here. I’m still not over the fact that he didn’t even bat a lash at someone being kidnapped, which brings me to the conclusion that he must be getting paid generously for turning a blind eye.
Which also means that my kidnapper wasn’t lying when he said that he has money. I’m just so fucking confused with everything going on. I think I must be stupid or something because I don’t feel like I’m in danger here.
I don’t know… this guy is making me feel too much. I never feel like I’m in any kind of danger when he’s around. I feel my heart race whenever he’s looking at me through that stupid mask and I can’t explain why. I wish I could see his face, but he’s keeping his identity close to his vest and won’t clue me in at all. Where the hell is he even going with all of this? Like what the fuck is his endgame?
Especially when he’s been nothing but kind to me. He’s helped me through my episodes every day, making sure he feeds me and then making sure that I have enough water to drink throughout the day so that I stay hydrated.Apparently, those are all requirements to deal with my withdrawal…
He makes me go to bed at a decent hour so that I can sleep properly and he even stays beside me until I fall asleep every night. I have no idea how long he stays but when I wake up in the morning, he’s always gone.
I have to admit that him staying with me has reduced my nightmares, and now we’re getting into dangerous territory. Maybe I’m suffering from Stockholm syndrome.Is it too early to be suffering from that?
Let’s just say that trying to get clean is a hard-as-fuck thing to do especially when you’re sobbing on the floor because you keep craving the drug you can’t have anymore. When I get to that point, I don’t care that I’m embarrassing myself. All I can think about is the need to have it. In those moments, I break this little homey routine we have going on.
Said routine begins when I wake up in the morning. He lets me shower and stuff and then he gets me breakfast that he insists on feeding me still. After that’s done, he makes sure that I do an hour of exercise which he’s been doing with me since they made me start.
After that, I get to just lie on the couch for an hour or two before he plays some kind of game with me. It’s usually some board game. He also watches a show or a movie with me.
I guess that’s supposed to help me cope with my withdrawal in a healthy way or some shit. If it is, then it’s been going great except for the few times I’ve lost my shit.
The latest thing he has me doing is studying for a GED which I think is useless. But since I don’t have a say in anything anymore and nothing else to do with my time, I have to do as I’m told. He says that he’s determined to make sure I get into college come next September. Once I get the grades, he’ll do the rest.
Whatever, it’s not like I care about college anymore. What is the point? There is none, I think as we sit at the table studying. I don’t know what the fuck he’s studying for. I have no doubt that this guy got into college easy-peasy since he probably didn’t have the whole senior class of his school being assholes to him. Now I’m just annoyed and I push the papers away from me.
“I need a break. My brain is fried and I can’t do this anymore today!” I snap at him.
“That’s fine, we can take a break,” he says all nice and shit.
“Can we go outside for a few? I just want to be outside and sit by the lake for a while,” I ask, hoping he’ll say yes. I haven’t stepped foot outside since I was brought here and I want some fresh air.
It’s been raining all day today. I wasn’t lying when I said that I love the rain and want to sit in it. He’s looking at me, but I can’t tell what his expression is. If I was him, I’d be suspicious as hell, but I just give him one of my fake smiles that’s intended to be sweet.
“Alright, let’s go. You deserve it for being good for the past few days,” he tells me. I hop up to my feet and rush to the front door to wait for him. Obviously, I was good since this place is locked up tighter than prison.
I’m wearing a sundress today. When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I hate to admit it but I actually look good. I’m starting to see a bit of a glow that’s been missing for a while.
My red hair looks shiny. It’s starting to grow again after the hack job I gave it a while back. I’m starting to look healthy again. It’s not much but I think I might have gained a pound or two. This is some progress even though I know I still have a long way to go.
I hate to admit it again, but I look vastly different compared to how I was the night before I was kidnapped. I’m surprised at how just about a week of eating and exercising and doing things to cope in healthier ways has benefited me so much already. I guess now I hope that I can keep it up.
He finally makes his way to the door and presses his thumb onto the keypad. A moment later, the door clicks open and I step outside barefoot. It feels good to be outside again, smelling the fresh air.
Such a small and simple thing I didn’t even know I’d miss since I’ve always taken it for granted. The rain instantly soaks my skin and clothes but I don’t care. I run a little and spin around in the rain as a laugh escapes me.
I stop right in front of the lake and stand there with my arms out and my head up, looking at the sky for a while. When I finally bring my head down, I turn around to look at him. He’s facing me, looking on.
