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It looked perfect to me this time, but clearly something about the attempt still failed to meet his exacting standards. With a curse, he jerked himself out of the pose. Without a word to us, he marched off the ice, yanked off his skates, and stomped off to the locker rooms.
Jasper frowned, watching him go. “Not so cool and cocky now.”
His tone was wry but not really critical. I still felt the need to say, “He is kind of on his own here.”
Lou let out a huff. “It’s his own fault. I didn’t ask him to make this big sacrifice in his career to follow me out here.” She paused. “I mean, I’m not hoping he fails, but I wouldn’t want him thinking that I owe him something when it was his decision.”
I gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “And he shouldn’t think that. His past behavior hasn’t exactly made it easy for you to, ah, appreciate his presence.” My smile returned. “Speaking of appreciation, how about that singing technique? You two looked like you really got into it—it definitely showed in your performance.”
Lou grinned. “Really? It did feel pretty good even if it was kind of embarrassing at the same time.”
“You’ve still got the right spark,” I said, directing the words at both her and Jasper. “I can see everything in you that made your performance at Finals amazing. Hold on to that, and you’ll be golden at Nationals.”
Jasper made a dismissive sound, but his eyes glinted playfully. “I guess eventually I’m going to have to learn to stop questioning your ridiculous advice, huh?”
I wagged a finger at him. “Because it’s not ridiculous at all.”
He laughed. “Only you could make stuff like this sound like a reasonable technique.”
Shifting forward, he leaned in with his head lowering toward mine. I felt the kiss coming, and my pulse hiccupped—but not just in anticipation.
Before I had a chance to think about what I was doing, I pulled back a step. Jasper froze, his fond expression fading into uncertainty.
My stomach twisted, but I didn’t know what to say. We’d just been talking about the sacrifices Quentin had made—what about all the opportunities Jasper had given up and was setting himself up to lose? Some of them were for Lou… but some were because of me.
I’d shoved myself into his life without really worrying about the consequences, hadn’t I? And look where we’d ended up. The dreariness of the dim arena weighed down on me.
Jasper ducked his head and then looked up at me again, his forehead furrowed and his jaw tight. He looked so much like the frustrated guy he’d been during our first weeks of training that my gut twisted.
“What’s going on?” he said, his voice gone rough. “You keep avoiding getting much into anything… physical. If you’ve decided you don’t actually want that kind of relationship with me—”
My stomach lurched. “No, it’s nothing like that. I do.” More than I felt comfortable saying.
Jasper eyed me warily. “Then what is it? Because something’s obviously wrong.”
I fumbled for the words. “I just—I’ve been thinking about how we got started. I came all the way from Japan and badgered you into letting me coach you. But that—all of this—should be your choice.”
Confusion still darkened Jasper’s eyes. “It is. I thought I made that pretty clear. Why would you be worrying about it?”
Lou was watching me too. An ache expanded inside my chest at the thought of my deepest reasons. Reasons I’d rather not have admitted to with two people I’d come to care about so much.
But the feelings and trust we shared were exactly why I had to be honest with them.
My gaze darted away for a second before I wrenched it back to Jasper. “I’ve made… mistakes in the past. When it comes to my relationships.”
Lou knit her brow. “What do you mean?” she asked softly.
Guilt soured my mouth. “A few years ago, I was dating a man I met in Japan. He wasn’t a skater—not in the public eye at all. We’d gotten along really well, and I thought it could lead somewhere… But I’ve been out since I was a teenager, dealing with the judgments and the prejudice. I was so used to brushing it off like it didn’t matter.”
I paused, cringing inwardly at the memory, and forced myself to keep going. “Hewasn’t out, not even to his family. And during an interview on live TV, one of the hosts asked me about my romantic life, and I just said his name, automatically. Only good things, obviously, but there was no taking it back. His relatives, his friends, his employer and colleagues—I don’t know how many of them ended up finding out, but they all could have, and he was horrified. And furious with me. To say the relationship ended badly is putting it mildly.”
Thinking back to the flippant way I’d tossed out his name—with the arrogant assumption that if I could handle living this long in the spotlight with people knowing, it couldn’t be that big a deal—left me queasy.
“Oh, shit,” Jasper murmured.
My voice faltered. “His parents heard. They disowned him, shut him completely out of their lives. I screwed up his life with one stupid comment… He said I was selfish, that I only thought about myself, about looking progressive for my fans and making controversy—not caring how it affected anyone around me. And I can’t say he was wrong.”
Lou grasped my arm, her eyes wide. “It was an accident. Of course you wouldn’t have done it on purpose.”
