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Fuck, what time is it? Trying hard to focus, I see Hypnos standing over me. I’m still in the cellar with the bottle in my hand, unopened.
“What the hell are you doing?” Ayres’s harsh tone hackles me. It reminds me of our father, and I want to lash out.
I never do.
“Nothing obviously,” I grumble. It seems like that’s the only thing I can do now.
“It doesn’t look like you aren’t doing anything. How many have you had to drink?” Hypnos bends down and takes the bottle from me.
Have I had any? I don’t feel drunk. I wanted to be drunk. That was the mission, wasn’t it? “None. Hell, I barely remember coming down here.”
Ayres helps me up and I wobble. “Yeah, alright. We’ll have to test you.”
“Fuck you. I’m fine. The last thing I remember is coming home and that’s it. I never opened any of it.”
Hypnos sighs. “Still, we have to test you. We made you a promise to keep you sober and to help you.”
Shame filters through my mind, and I nod. What else can I fucking say? “Fine, but let’s get out of here and to the office.”
The disappointment on their faces says it all. I’m a fucking wreck and don’t need to be dragging them down. The evil voice in my head laughs and mocks me. Where’s the nice voice when you need it?
Ayres sits with me, not saying a word as we wait for Hypnos to come back with the kit. “Ayres…”
He cuts me off with a piercing look. “Don’t. Just don’t do that. You have an issue, we fix it. Please don’t try to explain it. You don't have to.”
When the hell did Ayres get to be so wise? Closing my eyes, I put my head in my hands. This is probably the lowest point in my life that I’m sober for. There’s absolutely no drugs or alcohol in me to numb the pain.
Hypnos comes in and hands me the breathalyzer. Blowing into it, I feel the tears threatening to come. Tampering them down, I resolve to not show any more weakness than I’ve already done today.
“Zero point zero,” Hypnos whispers, and I watch his shoulders relax. The worst part of this entire thing is how much pressure and stress I’m putting my brothers under.
“What happened, Kronos?” Hypnos asks as he puts the tester back into its case.
“Nothing. A bad day that became overwhelming.”
There’s no way in hell I can tell them I’m weak, and I want to drown everything until I’m dead.
“Is…” Ayres starts, but I cut him off.
“Seriously, I’m fine. I didn’t relapse and even though I wanted to, something made me pass out so I couldn’t. Just”—I rub my hands along my face—“drop it.”
Looking up, I see they both want to keep going. They want to grill me, but they respect that I’ve put my foot down and they leave the room.
Dear Brothers,
I’m sorry. It’s all fucked up. Letting you all down is not something I wish upon anyone. You are my life, but I can’t keep going on. I’m a hindrance to you and that’s not something I’ve ever wanted to be.
Fuck me. Here I am, once again trying to end my life. This isn’t who I am. Goddamn, I’m more than this moment. I force myself to stop writing. My hands shake as I look at the bottle of Tito’s on the shelf, staring back at me. Alcohol right about now would be a good fucking way to pass my time. But since I’m not going down that Goddamn rabbit hole.
Anger sweeps through me as I think about how I’m a big, bad thug and multi-billionaire. Why the fuck am I so depressed? I shouldn’t need this shit, and I need to get a grip on myself.
I’m looking at my note, and it pisses me off. This whiny, low feeling in me is making me feel like a damn sissy. Throwing the paper into the fireplace, a coldness settles deep inside of me as I pick up my gun and holster it. I turn on the gas, light the fire, and watch the paper dissolve into ash.
Fuck this shit. So, what if we haven’t caught Haydes? So, fucking what if we haven’t been able to pinpoint Martina Torrez’s and where her allegiance lies? Ayres has sworn she’s under our control, but I have my doubts.
I know for a fact that going back to the grind isn’t for me. Nope. I’m going to let Hypnos take over that. It’s time I did what I’m supposed to do—be the head of this family.
Chapter Eleven
