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“I’m not going to judge you.”
He takes a deep breath. “I don’t like to wear it because it makes me feel weak. I know it’s ridiculous, but I’m strangely self-conscious about my hearing loss.”
I reach across the table and take his hand. “There’s no reason for you to be self-conscious about it, Pyotr.”
“I know. It’s a me thing. I’ve got an image to uphold and I’m worried…”
“Worried about what?”
“People might have some less than pleasant things to say. Comments about my age, snide remarks about my capabilities. I do a good job of drowning those voices out, but that doesn’t mean they don’t get to me. Nothing gets past me, Alina. I hear everything. Just because I don’t respond to the hate doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect me. I don’t like wearing my hearing aid because I’d rather not give the public any more ammunition. I’ve been able to get by without it just fine. I keep telling myself I’ll wear it when I have to.”
I squeeze his fingers, smiling at him. I’m not entirely sure what to say, or if it’s even my place to say it. Pyotr’s honest vulnerability takes me by surprise. At the end of the day, I can’t tell him what he should and shouldn’t do. It’s all up to him and I respect his decision.
I can’t even tell him his worries are unfounded. I’ve seen firsthand how easy it is to drag his name through the mud. I’ve experienced it myself, had the anonymous voices on the internet call me all manner of terrible things simply because they could. I totally understand what Pyotr means about giving them unnecessary ammunition, but I don’t like that he feels too ashamed to wear it, either.
“Thank you for telling me,” I say gently.
His smile is small, but sweet. “Your turn. Tell me a secret about yourself.”
“I’m running out of things to tell you. Even with the family I come from, my life hasn’t been all that remarkable.”
“Take your time. You can always tell me later.”
I can’t stop smiling. I like this exchange we have going on. Where once we were complete strangers, now I know Pyotr better than anyone else in my life. I didn’t expect him to grow on me so quickly.
Maybe that’s why his comment earlier made me so uncomfortable. The tiny voice in the back of my head doesn’t want to play a role. It wants all of this to be real. The only problem is I don’t know how to voice that to him. This marriage was a business agreement. Our partnership was meant to keep the peace. I didn’t factor in that I might startfeelingsomething more toward him.
My stomach does an uncomfortable flip.
“Are you okay?” Pyotr asks me from across the table. “You haven’t touched your food in a while.”
I nod numbly. “Yeah, I think all this studying has sapped the energy out of me.”
“Just take it easy. We still have plenty of time to think things through. We’ll go straight home after this so you can take a nap if you want.”
His consideration makes my cheeks warm. The more I get to know him, the more I realize just how kind Pyotr is. It’s a side of him only I have the privilege of seeing, and damn if it doesn’t make me feel a little special.
Those precious smiles.
The even rarer sound of his laugh.
The way he looks at me with a warmth he’d never afford anyone else…
Holy shit, I think I’m falling in love with my husband.
Chapter 24
Pyotr
Ben’s already texted me to inform me that the car has been pulled up in front.
I’m not entirely sure how to dress for this thing. It’s nowhere near as formal as a fundraising gala, but I’m not going to show up in a pair of jeans and a Ralph Lauren polo shirt, either. I settle for a navy-blue dress shirt and black dress pants, my sleeves rolled up to just below my elbows. The public might like to kick me while I’m down, but at least I look good while they do it. All I need now is my wristwatch and I’ll head downstairs to meet Alina.
My watch sits on my bedside table. Curious, I pull open the drawer to peer inside. My gun is tucked away, and my unused hearing aid sits in the middle. And in the back… I pick up the book with Eileen’s picture in it, flipping through the pages until I get to it. I wonder if Alina saw this during her little snooping session. If she did, surely, she would have asked me about it by now.
I pick up the photo and study it. It’s admittedly been years since I’ve looked at it. I’d all but forgotten it was even there. I used to look at it with a combination of bitterness and sorrow, and now… Now, I don’t feel much of anything. That chapter of my life is over and done with. What I had with Eileen is in the past.
What I have with Alina…
