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He shakes his head. "Come on, Vanessa. You know bitterness and anger isn't all you have left for me. I know you. We can shake on it all you want, and we can try to ignore it, but I can't forget that I know you. I can't forget that I know that look you get when you're turned on, or pretend I don't see it flickering in your eyes when we're together."
I spike a brow and straighten with resolve. "You're wrong. You knew meback then. I'm not the same woman anymore."
"Some things are the same," he insists. "You can resent me as much as you want, but you know it doesn't stop you from missing things about us."
"I don't miss what a stubborn ass you are who stops at nothing to get his way," I bark. "But you're wasting your energy, Ashford. I'm not doing this with you. We work together now. That's all I care about. Our work.Mywork."
More strings of weak protests fall from my lips, but it doesn't stop him from drifting closer. I can't even be mad at him for it, because he's right. Hedoesknow how I look when I'm powerless to resist him. No matter how hard I try to fight it, he knows how bad I still want him.
But why? I thought I was stronger than this. I finally have everything I've been working so hard for. Why am I lettinghimof all people distract me from it?
Before I know it, my back is against the wall and he's nearly pressed up against me. He keeps the carefullest gap between us, but it feels so flimsy. We're seconds away from making a huge mistake.
"Tell me you want me to stop," he says in his deep sexy rasp.
"I…I want…" My lips part and reach for what it is I apparently want. What Itrulywant that defies all reason and logic and dignity.
The door flies open, sending Joshua retreating backwards - but it's too late. Hudson is standing there with a shocked expression. He grumbles something then turns his head, standing up straight and clearing his throat.
Joshua goes straight into damage control mode, collecting himself and acting like everything is fine - like Hudson didn't just see what he saw.
"Dr. Gray, I'm glad you're here. Dr. Lopez and I have made some excellent progress today."
He flashes him an irritated smirk. "So it appears."
While Joshua plays it off, cool and collected, I keep shrinking in my mortification. First, Joshua smeared my name to the hiring committee. Then I had to cry discrimination. Now it's only my second day, and Hudson himself just walked in on me and Joshua as we were breaths away from our lips colliding in an angry, hot rush.
If he hadn't walked in…we would be in the middle of that rush right now, and I kind of hate him for taking that away from me. But I hate him in the same way an addict hates someone who comes between them and the thing that's bad for them. The reasonable part of me is grateful to him for saving me.
"I…I think we should call it a day," I finally manage to say. "I have to get home. Dr, Ashford, tomorrow we'll…"
We'llwhat!?Pick up where we left off? Continue the discussion we shouldn't have been having in the first place? We'll try to pretend like we can handle working together when this proves we obviously can't?
He jumps to my rescue, finishing the sentence for me. "...discuss the budget, lab set-up, and next steps."
"Yes. That. We'll do that." I hang my head, cringing inside.
I sound like a babbling teenage idiot, and I'm acting like one too. All I can do is snatch up my bag and bolt from the room, fleeing Hudson's judgmental stare. I didn't dare look at him long enough to know if that's how he looked or not, but I have to assume. Hell, I'm judging myself right now. I can't blame him for doing the same.
By the time I reach the end of the hall, I swear I think I hear Joshua calling out to me - but I don't stop long enough to find out if it's real or imaginary.
I'm reeling the whole way home - fuming mad at myself but also painfully unsatisfied. No matter how many deep breaths I take, reminding myself that I'm safe on the subway - far from the sinful dangers of Ashford, every time I blink it's like he's moving over me right here and now.
Finally, I'm able to talk myself down to a more reasonable state. It's only then that I can see the problems at hand more clearly. The two issues that are fanning this flame are One - that it's beenso very longsince I've had sex of any kind, and far longer since I've actually had good sex, and Two - that the best sex I'veeverhad…well, it just so happened to be with Joshua.
You can't put me and him and all those factors in the same room after all this time and not expect me to have some major momentary lapses in judgment.
I don't know what to do about any of it, but I know sometimes naming the problem is the best possible first step. I continue talking myself down as I mindlessly scan the other passengers on the subway. My eyes land on a magazine headline that's peering out at me from across the aisle.
Sex with Your Ex: The Best Revenge to Remind Him How Badly He Messed Up
I note the title of the magazine, then pull out my phone to see if I can track the article down online. The whole time, I know this is ridiculous. I never read those kinds of magazines. My only subscriptions are to The Lancet, The American Journal of Medicine, and Harvard Medicine.
But maybe that's why this is so important. If I had spent more time living a normal life and less time consumed by my work, I might be better equipped to handle situations like the dreaded run-in with the ex. I wonder if there are any articles about working with your ex specifically?
Even though I know that would be the better topic to focus on, I keep barreling forward - speed-reading through the revenge-sex-with-your-ex article. My research reveals that the concept is simple. You give your ex the best sex of his life, and when it's over - you rub it in his face that it will never happen again because he was dumb enough to lose you.
If I had tried that ten years ago…would I have felt any better? Would I be handling this better now? My heart knows that's not true, but I needsomethingto cling to. Some kind of hope. Or maybe…I just need to prove to Joshua that I'm not his lost little lovesick puppy anymore - even if my actions today suggested otherwise.
