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My lips part to ask him why he did this, but he beats me to it.
"We need more gloves and goggles," he announces. "I'm gonna run to the supply room. Do we need anything else?"
"I do," I reply, standing up from my chair. "I need to know why you brought me flowers."
"A man's not allowed to buy his lab partner flowers?"
"Depends on why you did it."
He looks back up with a wincing expression. "Do you really want to know?"
His tone tells me I don't, but I'm a scientist. I don't exactly sit well with unanswered questions or unsolved problems.
He steps closer, and I find myself stepping backward. But I only make it as far as the edge of my desk. I lean against it and cross my arms, trying to act unbothered.
"Why did you switch majors?" he asks again. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
"I've already seen yours, and you've already seen mine. And anyway, I asked my question first."
"The flowers were my attempt at soothing the uneasiness I've felt ever since that night at the hotel," he blurts in a breath.
"What? Don't be silly. That's ancient history. It's like it never happened at all. I don't even think about it." The shrillness of my voice makes it a little too obvious that I'm lying.
"Not for me," he says firmly.
"Joshua…it's fine. Really. I was the one who invited you there. You didn't do anything wrong. Or at least…you didn't do anything I didn't ask you to do."
He shakes his head. "This isn't about guilt or regret…at least not in the way you're thinking. The only thing I regret…is not doing things the right way. I didn't say the right things. I didn't tell you…I've never told you just how much you meant to me in college, Vanessa. You don't have to believe me, but it's true."
There is a tightrope line stretching across the space between us, running from my chest to his. Every word he says seems to draw my heart further across the line. He's pulling it closer and closer to him. But all I can see is the shakiness of it. It feels like it could fall with each and every breath we take.
I can't have that happen again. I can't go through another heartbreak…especially not at his hands.
"What we had was something special," he continues. "It was…god, it was magic. I had never met anyone like you, and I haven't since."
That's all it takes to wake me up. I straighten with resolve. "Yeah. We really were magic. And you fucked it up."
"Whoever I cheated on you with, Vanessa, they obviously meant nothing," he defends. "I couldn't even tell you who they were, but you're the one who's standing in front of me right now."
"But I wouldn't be standing here right now if you had your way. Remember when you did everything in your power to keep me from getting this job? Just because you couldn't stand the thought of having to face me every day. You tried to ruin this for me because of your own guilt. So stop trying to act like it was nothing. Sounds like a pretty big something to me."
"I was wrong," he admits.
"It's not the sex or the cheating that bothered me, Joshua," I try to explain. "Not really. Right when I needed you the most, I found out you had been lying to me the whole time. You didn't respect me at all. I felt abandoned."
"Help me to understand," he begs. "How did I abandon you?"
"Just forget it," I huff, swiping the vase of flowers off the desk and tossing them into the trash. "I don't expect you to care or understand. Just…leave me alone and don't buy me flowers!"
I snatch up my purse and storm out of the lab. I don't stop until I make it to the other side of the front sliding doors in the lobby. The moment the cool wind hits my body, I suck in a desperate breath - but it's swallowed up by tears.
It's pouring down rain, drenching me in seconds. The sound of Joshua yelling after me cuts through the heavy downpour and sends me running even faster to the safe solitude of my car.
18
Joshua
Iget to work on lighting up the fireplace, then dip into my bedroom to grab a white t-shirt, a pair of boxer briefs, and some sweatpants.
