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Augustine let it all run out, and I was sure that the catch in her voice was the emotions that she felt about it. It was clear that she didn’t want to be in the sort of relationship that she was in. I didn’t know what to say. I’d never dealt with someone who had family that would insist on something like that. It was a novel idea and it wasn’t one that I thought I would want to try out for my own life. It didn’t sound fun at all.
“And you are just going to go along with it?”
Augustine shrugged and said that she didn’t really have a choice.
“What are they going to do if you don’t?” I had all kinds of punishments in my mind to make her do something that would change her life. Were they going to whip her in the street or something?
“They would be very disappointed in me.”
“Disappointed?”
She agreed, looking away like it was the worst thing, and I wondered aloud if she was always supposed to marry Dalian.
“I could have married anyone within reason, but I just took too long. That’s all it was. After a certain age, you’re kind of wasted if you haven’t found someone and settled down. I hadn’t done it in time, so it is now or never. By my next birthday, I will be unmarriable in most people’s eyes.”
It was so different than my culture and I asked her why she hadn’t found someone yet.
“My boss never really gives me time to myself. He keeps me busy all the time.”
I didn’t like to hear that. Was it my fault that she had to marry a stranger?
“What about your birthday? When is it?”
Augustine told me that it was in two weeks, and I almost said something out loud that I’d never considered before. Why couldn’t we get married? I didn’t though. Thank God. I left that little tidbit inside. I don’t think she would have taken it so well.
11
Augustine
Iwent back to the hotel, feeling like I’d said more than I was supposed to. It felt good to get some of it off of my chest, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t regret pouring my heart out to my boss. He wouldn’t understand. I saw the confusion on his face, but what else was I supposed to do? That’s how it was.
He walked me to the room, and I was feeling good but embarrassed. Derrick knew too much and there was no taking it back. He looked at me with pity, but that was the last thing that I wanted to feel from him. I didn’t want his pity, I wanted him to know nothing. I was going to miss him, and I guess I just wanted him to miss me too. It made me feel like it was bearable if I wasn’t the only one upset to be leaving.
I took a long shower and then went to the door, about to lock the deadbolt for the night. I wasn’t really tired, but there was no way that I was going to be able to do much else. Derrick had gotten my mind going a mile a minute. He had me thinking about the future, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. If I was honest, I was scared about what the future held. I had no idea what my future was supposed to look like.
There was a knock right as I got my hand to the top lock, and it made me jump. It was Derrick. He said my name softly on the other side of the door. I didn’t know what he was doing there, but I opened it anyway and asked. He had this look in his dark eyes, one that told me that he wanted to talk of something that wasn’t about work.
“What’s up?”
He took me in, and his eyes fell over all of my form, and I was shaking with the attention. It wasn’t a little bit. He was looking at me like he was going to eat me up. I swear that I was trying my best to hold it together, but I was doing a poor job. I didn’t have enough of a buzz to take the nerves away. All I had was the memory of what I’d said and done a couple of hours before. I’d said too much.
“Can I come in?”
He asked so simply, and I said that he could. What else was I going to say, I mean really? He was the one that was the boss. I didn’t know what he had on his mind, but I figured that I was going to figure it out soon enough. I tried to ask him what was wrong, but he came in and sat down at the table before he finally met my eyes.
“I have been thinking about what you said.”
I waved him off. “You probably shouldn’t do that. I shouldn’t have said half of it to you. I am officially mortified now.”
He tried to tell me that there was nothing to be embarrassed about, but I wasn’t going to listen to that. He was wrong or just saying that because he wanted me to feel better. I didn’t. “I’m not stupid, Derrick, I know how strange it must seem to you. I don’t know why I didn’t think that this time would come. I just got sidetracked and didn’t put much effort into dating. It’s not your fault.”
“What if it was my fault? What if I wanted to ask you out a long time ago and I just hadn’t been able to bring myself to do it?”
Why did I feel elated? I guess I had wanted to hear him say that, but there was another side of me that was irked that he had taken so long. Things were already in motion, and I didn’t know what I was going to be able to do to stop it.
“It’s no one’s fault.”
“What if I said that I was interested in you? Would that change anything?”
