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When they do, I want to scream. I want to kick something. I want to shout and break things. I don’t know how else to put it, how else to deal with the emotions I have running through me.
I feel like such an idiot for falling in love with them again. I feel like they used me and I’m nothing. I don’t think they’ve changed, and I feel like that stupid teenager who was bullied in high school all over again.
I head to the room and throw myself onto the bed, crying into the pillow.
This entire situation is fucked up.
And I don’t know where to turn.
TWENTY-FIVE
CALEB
“Any replies to the ad yet?” Julian asks as he comes to sit next to me on the couch. “Please tell me we’ve got someone we can interview.”
“It’s not the easiest thing in the world to put up a job posting when we’re not staying in any one place very long,” I tell him.
The three of us are sitting on the bus. Julian is with me on one couch, and Terry is across from us on the other. He’s also on his laptop, and I’m sure he’s doing the same thing I am—searching for a replacement nanny for Hendrix.
Jeanette is over on the other bus with Mags and Hendrix. She put the idea to Mags that she’s trying to get Hendrix used to being out and about with her and not with us, saying it would be easier for him to get used to that arrangement if it starts when he’s this young.
We’re between cities right now, and it’s the second time she’s chosen to ride in the other bus with Hendrix. Mags hasn’t seemed to catch on to the fact that there has been a massive fight among us, but I’m not going to be the one to tell her.
It’s bad enough that we’re dealing with this shit as it is. I don’t want to make it worse by adding more people to the mix.
That leaves the three of us with time alone on the bus, and we’re trying to find a new nanny. Things haven’t been very good between us and Jeanette the past three days, and the tension in the bus is high. It’s not easy with her being there with Hendrix, but we want to spend time with our son.
“It’s not fucking easy being around Jeanette, either,” I say. “She’s radiating hatred even more than before, and not in a way I think we can deal with.”
“Come on, last time she said she hated us, I just walked up and put my dick in her mouth, problem solved,” Julian jokes. “I’m sure she’ll get over it.”
“I’m not getting over shit,” Terry says. “I’m so pissed that she went to the press over this.”
“Well, it wasn’t technically over the whole thing with Clarissa. But she did share a lot of our secrets,” Julian admits.
“And she doesn’t even have the balls to, I don’t know, be honest about it. Like, I hate that we have this between us now, but I would almost prefer she just came out with it and said that she was the one who wrote to the tabloid rather than telling us that she didn’t have shit to do with it. Like, at least I can say that I did kiss Clarissa. It wasn’t what Jeanette thinks it was, and I’m not going to say that I wanted it to go further, but I did kiss her. Why can’t she do the same?”
“I don’t know, women are weird that way,” Terry says. “I mean, they do this shit when they’re pissed, then they act like you’re the one who has to fix it.”
“I don’t think there’s much fixing this one,” Julian says. “I bet we can get her to want us again, though I’m not so sure it’s going to go both ways. After this, how would we trust her again? Would I really want to go back to someone who did this to us?”
“It just makes me wonder how much else she’s going to share,” Terry adds. “Suppose we were to get back together and things would be fine, then the next time she gets pissed off there’s that much more that goes to the media, then that much more, then that much more. I don’t know how much we can put up with, especially with our career getting bigger.”
“Letting the world know we’re in an unusual romantic situation is one thing, but to share secrets about our personal lives, whether it be things that we like or dislike, secrets about us she knows, or whatever, that’s not okay,” I say. “I’m fine with the world judging how we choose to have our romantic relationships, but I’m not okay with the world knowing other personal things about me.”
“It’s not like there’s anything earth-shattering in that article, but the fact that the world knows, and like, we’re already so much in the public’s eye, it’s hard to deal with not having any privacy at all,” Terry says. “I want to have some things that aren’t for the whole world to know.”
“Exactly,” I say.
“You don’t think she’s going to spill shit about Hendrix?” Julian asks suddenly. “I hope she’ll leave him out of anything she shares with the media.”
“I would hate to think the media would be stupid enough to print anything about our kid,” I say. “I can sue for that, and you bet your ass I would.”
“How?” Julian asks.
“Hendrix is a baby. He’s a minor. You can’t write shit about minors without me coming for it. I don’t know what the legal terms would be, but you can believe I’m not going to let anyone say shit about our boy without it being flipped around on them,” I say.
My brothers agree with me, and we suddenly realize we’re pulling off the freeway and into a parking lot. There’s a couple of restaurants across the road, along with the diner attached to the truck stop.
