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His pain made her ache to comfort him. All thoughts of using him for her pleasure and walking away evaporated. “That’s awful.”
“No more awful than guys you met in bars assuming they could take you home, coax you to put out, then ignore you the next day. But after our weekend, I worried I had too much of my dad’s DNA, and I took a big step back. By the time I realized I couldn’t simply forget you, you were in DC and dating Todd. Because you thought he wanted you…and you assumed I didn’t. ”
“You were hardly the first guy to ghost me. What was I supposed to think?”
“I was trying to protect you. When I finally wrapped my head around my feelings and worked up the courage, I called—”
“For a hookup. I remember.” And that still hurt.
“No. If we’d ended up in bed after working things out, that would have been the cherry on top. But I just wanted to explain. I wasn’t braced to hear that you were already seeing someone else.”
She raised a brow. “From what I heard, you were ‘talking’ to Hannah Jamison.”
Matt shook his head. “She was talking to me. I’d turned her down flat. I wasn’t interested.” He shrugged. “I never exchanged more than a few words with her until the night you announced your engagement. After that, I didn’t see the point of waiting for you anymore.”
“You’re lying.” He had to be, because if he wasn’t, she’d made a far bigger mistake than marrying the wrong guy.
He shook his head. “I wanted you in a way I’d never wanted anyone.” He slammed back his water like he was suddenly nervous. “But I get why you misunderstood, since you got shafted by a bunch of guys like Zy—”
“He and I have made peace. He didn’t spend the night with me to be mean. He was lonely.”
“That didn’t give him the right to roll into town, chat you up, slide you into bed, then jet. You didn’t matter to him.”
Madison flushed and looked away. “He was a mistake.”
“I’m not saying this to make you feel bad. I’m telling you I left after our weekend feeling like I’d fucking die without you, but I had no idea how I was going to keep you while saving you from myself. And I didn’t know how to explain, so I left you to make assumptions that I was like every other bastard who’d blown through your life with an itch to scratch. It was fucking wrong. I know you’d never given as much of yourself to any man as you had to me that weekend.”
She fought back tears. “I hadn’t. Ever.”
“I’m sorry. I hurt you. I took everything and demanded more. I left you raw and open. Then I disappeared. So when Todd showed interest, you hoped he would help you forget me.”
Madison nodded. Three years ago, she’d never imagined the life-and-death consequences of that choice. Now she felt stupid and ashamed. “Todd wasn’t even my type. When he asked me out, I almost said no. My uncle encouraged me to reconsider. Todd seemed so into me…and I used him to assure myself thatyouwere the problem. You were the reason we weren’t together. I was fine. The fact someone educated, rich, and urbane wanted me was proof.”
God, she hated to admit that. She’d give anything to turn back time, refuse Todd, then return to Louisiana with her dad at the end of their getaway, like they’d planned. Instead, she’d stayed stubbornly, determined to feel better about herself…and to show Matt she didn’t care.
He gave a self-deprecating shake of his head, face full of regret. “I spent the weekend you got married blindingly drunk. I woke up Monday morning with my head hanging over the toilet, feeling like death warmed over. I’d missed a weekend of emergency calls. They gave my mission to One-Mile because everyone else was already on an op. He didn’t have time to prepare. He had a newborn, he’s my best friend, and he got shot because I couldn’t get my head out of my ass or the chip off my shoulder to tell you how I felt. Thankfully, he only sustained a flesh wound, but…I can’t forgive myself for nearly getting him killed.”
His guilt was almost tangible. She felt it like a knife to her chest. “Oh, Matt.”
“The silly bastard doesn’t blame me. He should.” Matt scowled. “After I got the news from a sobbing Brea and saw your wedding photos in full color, I got in the shower and cried until I ran out of hot water. I hadn’t shed a single goddamn tear since my mom left.” He looked on the verge of shedding more now.
Madison’s own eyes stung. Her throat tightened. This was the real Matt. The raw Matt. His heartbreaking confession only made her feel more awful.
She took his hand. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s my doing.”
“Not all of it. I should have cared less about protecting my feelings and more about being honest with you. Maybe if I had told you I loved everything about our weekend—”
“After Dad’s girlfriend offed herself, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to believe you.”
God, what a terrible situation. “Still, I should have listened to my intuition. The day I married Todd, I stood in the dressing room, staring at myself in my designer wedding dress I could never have afforded, with a crush of press outside clamoring to see DC’s fairytale couple tie the knot. They’d written us as having a sweet, whirlwind love story… But I had so many doubts. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t really know him. His behavior felt performative, like he knew how he should treat me and what he should say, so he went through the motions. I didn’t love him. I told myself I would eventually. I convinced myself that someone who seemed so sure of us must have everything figured out. I only had doubts because I was hung up on you.”
She shook her head and closed her eyes. “When I asked him why he’d proposed, he claimed I was different. Special. I was desperate to believe him. After all, he was one of DC’s wildest bad-boy bachelors, and he’d chosenme. But the day we got married, all I wanted to do was run.” Madison drew in a shuddering breath. “I cried the entire morning before our wedding. I had to have an emergency depuffing facial and three touch-ups from the horrendously expensive makeup artist. I dragged my feet for nearly an hour before walking down the aisle. My dad offered to whisk me out of the completely full church and take me home. But I married Todd because I couldn’t have you. Not long after, I found out that he’d proposed because the extravaganza of our wedding overshadowed the fact he’d gotten a seventeen-year-old girl pregnant.”
Matt raked a hand through his hair. “And he cheated on your honeymoon, too. Jesus…”
“It’s almost over, and I hope I never have to see Todd again. As soon as Deke and his contact finish this negotiation, I won’t.”
