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I snorted at the description.“Is that what thirty years of hurt boils down to?Complicated?That isn’t fair and you know it.”
“Do you think you’re the only one he was hard on growing up?” He threw his hands out.“Do you think you’re the only one that dreads coming to see him every weekend? But I’m the oldest son, so I don’t get a free pass.”
I didn’t know what to think, how to process everything, so I clung to the only thing that felt certain. My blind rage. I stalked closer, snarling down into his face. It was the first time I realised I’d truly outgrown my big brother.“I’m sorry I can’t be the perfect son you are, Callum. I’m sorry everything in my life doesn’t happen exactly the way I want it to!”
Callum’s laugh was so bitter, it took me back.“You think everything comes easily to me? That I get everything I want? You don’t know shit about who—” He cut himself off, eyes squeezing shut. “—what, I want.” I’d never seen my brother this way, I didn’t know what to say. He didn’t give me the chance to get there. All the fight drained out of him as he came closer and gripped my shoulder.“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you sooner. We should have. But don’t pretend we’re only talking about Dad right now. I don’t know what else is going on with you… but I can guess the source.” He glanced back at the house. I could see April’s hair through the window, smiling as she played a board game to keep the twins distracted.“If you want her to stay, you have to tell her. You have to fight for something eventually, Mal.”
Alzheimer’s. The word had lost all meaning, loopingaround my mind again and again.
Alzheimer’s.
Alzheimer’s.
A progressive neurologic disorder that caused the brain to shrink and cells to die. I’d googled the definition on the drive home, already knowing well enough what the diagnosis meant. It wasn’t until I felt the tug of April’s hands on my coat that I realised we were in my cottage. The space was cold and dark, the air a little stale from disuse. I let her push me to the armchair and watched in a daze as she lit a fire in the grate, hands sure and capable. She returned to me minutes later, climbing into my lap and whispering against my skin,“Is it lame to say how sorry I am?”
I slammed my eyes shut and crushed her to me.“Not when you mean it.”
“I’m so sorry if I caused all that back there—”
“You didn’t cause it. He’s always been an odious bastard, with or without Alzheimer’s. You did nothing wrong.” She’d defended me is what she’d done. I never realised how much I needed someone to do that before.
We sat a few moments in silence, the crackle of logs a soundtrack to my escalating thoughts. How many weeks had my mother been trying to get us all together? How many times had I avoided all of them? Callum’s words kept replaying through my head.Do you think you’re the only one he was hard on growing up?He was right, I had thought that.Callum was Dad’s oldest boy. His pride and joy. The impossible standard for which the rest of us were measured against. But Callum was seven years older than me, there was so much I wouldn’t have seen. As hard as it was living in the shadow of Callum, I considered for the first time in my life what it would have been like to setthat standard.
Dad had been growing meaner lately—because of his disease, I now realised—and I’d avoided him all the more. No wonder Mum had carried it alone for so long. No wonder Callum and Heather didn’t tell me.
“How do you feel?” she asked eventually.
“I don’t know… confused. Sad. Guilty.”
She turned until she could see my face.“Why do you feel guilty?”
“Not seeing it sooner.” I shrugged.“The wedge I’ve put between me and my entire family.”
Her hands clasped my cheeks, thumbs brushing over bristle.“You know the distance between you doesn’t become your fault just because he’s sick, right? It doesn’t make you the bad guy.”
I had to swallow back tears before I said,“I feel like the bad guy.”
“No, baby,never. And this disease doesn’t mean the end of the road. If you decide you want to forgive him, there’s still time for that. But you shouldn’t carry that burden alone. You need your mum and Heather and Callum. You need your family around you.”
I need you, I don’t know how I’ll do this without you,I wanted to say—Iwouldhave said, but her phone flashed face-up on the arm of the chair and we both turned on instinct. She flipped the phone over, not before I saw a text flash on the screen.“What is it?”
“Probably nothing. Now isn’t the time.”
“Now is definitely the time, I could use the distraction.”
She lifted her phone, unlocking the screen to read the message. She paused, her eyes lifting to search mine.“I got the part.”
“But you—” The words cut short. I felt like I was drowning.“You didn’t audition yet.”
“According to Angela, Ainsley Clarke was already pretty certain before receiving my tapes.”
I couldn’t answer, so I held my hand out for the phone instead, needing to see it in black and white. The words blurred on the screen, jargon I couldn’t even begin to decipher as the room swayed around me. Only two things stood out.London. Two days from now.
“You’re going to London.” It wasn’t a question but she answered anyway.
“Yes.”
My breathing became rapid. Hands sweating as they began to tingle. Then a notification containing a single word flashed across the top of the screen, confusing enough to settle me.
