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Where is the girl who used to fight for what she wanted?
Where is she?
Because right now, I need her terribly.
Unable to keep looking at the mirror’s image for another minute, and in desperate need to replace this foul taste in my mouth, I rush out of the bathroom and head into the kitchen. Before I even know what I’m doing, my hand is already pulling the refrigerator door open, retrieving the sealed vodka bottle inside—the very one I had bought so long ago to celebrate when I’d receive a clean bill of health. Alcohol was just one of the many things I couldn’t indulge in, but that was when I still had a dog in this fight. Since I basically just received my death sentence, drinking a few shots is the least of my worries. If I’m going to puke my guts out all night, might as well blame part of it on Absolut.
I grab a shot glass and fill it to the rim, downing it in one go. The bitter liquid burns my insides, but it doesn’t dissuade me from having another. My whole chest feels as if it’s on fire, but it’s a feeling I would rather have ten times over then the sadness looming over my head, seeping its way into my bones.
“You know what you need, Val? Rocky road ice-cream,” I say out loud with a halfhearted giggle, trying hard to avoid the fact that I’ve succumbed to talking to myself in my empty apartment. The vacant rooms are just another painful reminder of how I’ll have to face this all on my own. “Yep, that’s what you need,” I mutter under my breath after drinking another shot, pushing that harrowing thought away from my head.
One pity party at a time, Valentina.
I’m about to reach for the fridge door to grab the pint of chocolate goodness when a certain image stops me in my tracks. My hand goes to the picture hanging on my fridge door, held in place by an Eiffel Tower magnet I bought off Amazon. Without regard to my poor broken heart, I trace over the three faces that once upon a time were as familiar to me as my very own. I put the bottle back on the countertop, so both my hands are free to clutch onto the memory of days where my future was still something I looked forward to. One I still joyously day dreamed about and planned for with them at my side.
Most of the pictures from that time in my life are either in some shoe box stuffed inside my closet or archived in an obscure folder on my laptop, both hidden away from my eyes, so I don’t have a constant reminder of everything I lost. It’s just too painful to go through the endless amount of evidence of how my life would have turned out if one choice had been made differently.
However, I could never let myself part with this picture. It was our very first after all.
I remember that day like it was yesterday, even though it feels as if it was a lifetime ago. Dad had taken it when Logan, Quaid, Carter, and I had come into each other’s lives, unbeknownst to any of us how important we would become to each other. I still remember the beaming smile on my father’s face as he watched us sitting on my front porch, wolfing down pizza and telling jokes. We had just met a few hours before, and yet we were so in sync, it was almost as if we had known each other our whole lives.
In the years that followed, Dad used to talk a lot about soulmates. How sometimes in life, we get more than one, and how lucky I was to have found all of mine so soon. It meant we would be able to have more time to grow and nurture our love. To see it blossom into something extraordinary and unique above all others. He didn’t warn me that everything had an expiration date though. Even true love sometimes withers away. Just like how a fragile rose, once cut at the stem, loses its beauty and perishes before your very eyes. But Dad had always been a romantic, refusing to acknowledge such pessimist thoughts, and for a little while at least, I did too.
I can’t help the tug of a smile that rises from the corner of my lips, as I let myself reminisce on that day, even if my heart is being gripped by a relentless fist of sorrow, telling me to tread carefully.
Logan’s blond hair needed a cut that summer. It was constantly falling on top of his stellar blue eyes. Every time I saw him, he was running his fingers through it, making sure nothing got in his way when he looked at me. And Logan was always looking at me.
Quaid still had his braces on, but that didn’t deter his bright smile in any way. He was either telling a joke or laughing at one, proudly showcasing his infectious metal grin at every opportunity he could find. With his deep forest green eyes and his shaggy brown hair, it was impossible not to find him endearing, even when he was curled up laughing at our expense.
And then there was Carter—the lone wolf of our little pack. He never said more than an odd word here or there, but that didn’t mean he was less observant than the others—quite the contrary. There was never a moment I didn’t feel his lingering stare from under his curious lids. He never said much in the beginning, but every time he opened his mouth to speak, I’d become mesmerized. Carter had that effect on people.
Hell, they all did.
Before I knew what hit me, I had fallen for the three friends—unconditionally and irrevocably. At a time where I only had my father to call my own, they crept their way into my heart and became the family I always wanted. We were all so young then, but even at such a tender age, I knew what true happiness was. In retrospect, maybe it was the innocence of youth that made me believe I would always feel that way.
Healthy. Empowered. Safe. Loved.
Deep in my heart, I know they were the reason I had so much hope to begin with. So many dreams I thought I would accomplish with them at my side. Another pained chuckle leaves me as I slide down to the floor, leaning against my fridge for support as I look at each smiling face, taunting me how when I was twelve years old, I had everything and everyone I would ever need or would ever want. I had a family.
Family.
I’ve heard that word a million times over in the last year. That's who everyone tells me I should rely on during this sensitive time in my life. When you’re sick, people react in two ways. Either they offer their condolences, shying away from you as fast and politely as possible, or you get a wealth of curious questions added with an abundance of uninvited advice.
“Why do you always come alone to your doctor's appointments?”
“Don't you have anyone who can hold your hand through your treatment?”
“There must be someone you can lean on during this troublesome time.”
“Don’t you have any family? Friends?”
“You should seek comfort in the people who love and care for you, Valentina.”
“Now is not the time to hold on to family feuds or grudges.”
“Don’t you have anyone?”
At first, when I was bombarded with such intrusive questions, I made excuses as to why I was always alone. But that was when I still had the energy to lie. After a few months of unsuccessful drug trials, the will to placate their curiosity with civil replies went out the window.
