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And Noah had just enough space to reply, ‘Perfect.’
CHAPTER15
Noah leaned against the deck,staring at the foggy haze hovering over the ocean. The sun rose behind the house, and the sky was an ombre grey stretching high above him. His coffee was warm between his hands, and he tugged Adriano’s sweater tighter around his body, basking in the scent of it and the warmth. It wasn’t as good as his lover, but it was close enough for the moment.
Adriano had earned his time to sleep in. For four nights, they had stayed up late.
The first night had been a revelation with Adriano taking Noah apart with the drag of fingers, the press of lips, and then being laid down on the bed and slowly taking his lover apart with his own mouth. Noah had never put much stock in the idea of being pleasured or pleasuring someone. He understood sex. He had watched Adriano in more scenes than he currently wanted to admit. They were, in a way, forbidden. They were dark, and they were erotic, and it was the way they were disconnected that Noah related to them. Pleasure without emotion.
This was so much more.
He had been feeling not quite rejected but a little unwanted when Adriano had admitted he’d taken care of himself after he’d left Noah’s apartment. Adriano had meant it as a compliment, he knew, but it wasn’t until Adriano had promised himself to Noah that he became aware of what he needed.
And what he wanted.
He was desperate to know that he mattered as much, that he could make Adriano feel as much. He couldn’t offer everything. Their tentative agreement that any virginity—given and taken—would happen on camera. He was fine with it. He was grateful. But he no longer felt like a virgin, and that was a lot to process.
But part of him was grateful for that too. Finally sinking inside Adriano would be more than he could have ever imagined. He probably wouldn’t last long, but he would last long enough. Each time Adriano made him come, made him tumble over the edge, it took longer. By the third night, it had taken Adriano a full five minutes to coax the orgasm out of Noah without touching his dick, and it was only after he’d dragged sharp nails up the insides of his thighs and rumbled a moan against the back of Noah’s ear that Noah had let go.
Part of him regretted what he was losing because it felt special that Adriano could work him up that way. But he recalled an earlier promise that Adriano would teach him restraint. Through constantly coaxing orgasms maybe, but it was working. He might last long enough to sink into Adriano’s tight heat before spilling.
Adriano assured him that’s all the viewers would want.
Noah knew he’d feel a little better about the video and whether or not someone like him was worth watching. He knew he wasn’t unattractive, but he wasn’t gorgeous the way Adriano was, His body was soft around the edges and curved rather than muscular. He, of course, had seen Adriano fuck all types of bodies and sizes, and none of them were less erotic than the others. But turning that critical eye on himself wasn’t easy.
He was already struggling to balance his work life with this new personal side, and while the walls weren’t closing in yet, they were starting to crumble.
Noah took a long drink of his coffee and sighed. He thought about Will’s suggestion, about talking to a therapist. It might be worth it to have a safe space to talk about the way he’d grown up.
Noah dug into the pocket of his sleep pants and drew out his phone. It was nearing six, which meant he’d need to slip out and head home. Adam had been far too eager to take over the late-night and early-morning prep, and Noah knew it was, in some ways, an apology. Noah didn’t know how to really start with his because he still hadn’t admitted his biggest sin.
He wasn’t sure his fragile relationship with Adam would survive it.
In truth, for it to make sense—for Noah’s lies and the things he’d hidden to be forgivable—he’d have to tell Adam everything. He’d have to confess about his mother, about Bubbe, the full extent of his bargain with Hashem. Adam would laugh at the last one, but the first two would break his heart and shatter the illusion that their mother would have loved him, and doted on him, and made things better. And Noah wasn’t sure he had the heart or the strength to do it.
But it was Noah’s last day of filming with Adriano, and it was the beginning of an end. And maybe the beginning of something else too. It was the start of existing in a relationship with Adriano that didn’t revolve around the debt hanging over Noah’s head. At the very least, Adriano knew where all Noah’s skeletons were buried and what they looked like, and he liked him anyway.
He finished his coffee, dressed, then left a quick note for Adriano like he’d been doing every morning. He was grateful starting his car couldn’t wake Adriano up, and he headed all the way back into the heart of town. Adam’s car was parked in the back, but Noah skipped the side door to the bakery and went up to the apartment to change. He sat with Marshmallow for a few minutes, feeling a small wave of guilt for neglecting him, and he wondered if maybe there was a better way to marry their lives together than just stolen nights behind blacked-out windows.
He didn’t really want to invite Adriano to stay with him all the time. He was addicted to it now, but Adriano had been clear he needed to take things slow, and Noah knew that was only fair. He just wished it felt better.
He headed back down to the bakery after a little while and found Adam finishing up the last of the challah loaves for their final prove. He turned his head when Noah walked in, then rolled his eyes and shook his head, but he was smiling a little.
“I wish you’d done this earlier,” Adam muttered as Noah grabbed a bag of flour and tipped it onto the scale.
Noah knew what Adam meant, and he bristled. “I could say the same for you.”
Adam narrowed his eyes at him, then switched to Hebrew. His had never been as good as Noah’s, mostly because he’d grown up here. Bubbe had wanted him to be immersed in the English language rather than standing apart the way Noah had, but Noah appreciated when Adam tried. “I’m not going to argue with you.”
Noah tipped cinnamon onto the flour, then moved to the counter where the eggs and butter had been laid out to settle to room temperature. He didn’t answer his brother for a while, instead tipping what he needed into the metal bowl. He watched the beater swirl through the mixture of sugar, eggs, almond extract, and butter… it was hypnotic and cathartic, and it helped keep him centered with Adam so close.
It wasn’t that long ago that they were doing this every day, and yet those months they’d spent more apart than not felt like years. Adam had moved out. He had moved on in every way. Noah had been left behind, but he was trying to catch up.
“Noah?”
He turned his head and offered his brother a smile. “I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I know you feel cheated out of a real childhood…”
Adam made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. “That’s not—”
