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“I had way too much fun,” he admitted. Way too much, though he was playing fast and loose with the word fun. They’d had wild times. He wasn’t sure he enjoyed being wild. He liked it better here than those communes and youth hostels they would stay in when they were younger. Even when they’d gotten an apartment for six months here or a year there, no place had felt like home until he’d walked into this town.
The months they’d spent with Van’s brother had done what he thought Jake had meant them to. They’d shown him how nice it was to have a stable family and friends who they could count on. He’d enjoyed being around the kids. They tended to be open and honest and told him when he was being a weirdo. He appreciated honest feedback.
He kind of wanted a couple. He wasn’t sure he would be a natural paternal figure, but he could learn. He could study and find his way through, and Van would be there if he fumbled.
Except he’d started to wonder if Van would be there. He was starting to wonder if Van was planning on going back to Dallas and leaving him behind. He might have outgrown the need to have his best friend at his side. Hale wasn’t sure he had and had no idea how to deal with it. He also didn’t know how to broach the subject without sounding like a whiny man baby.
She moved in, bringing her hand up to hold the head in place. Yes, that was much easier than trying to hold it on and shift the screws around. They were tricky. An extra set of hands helped.
But then he’d discovered that early in life.
“I wouldn’t say my years in the military were fun,” she said, her eyes on the showerhead as she watched him. “But they were rewarding.”
“My partner’s brother is ex-military. So are a lot of his friends. They’re good people.” He locked in the first screw and moved to the next, shifting his body slightly. His hip brushed hers. “Sorry.”
She glanced up at him, a grin on her face. “I think it’s okay. Close quarters and all. And yes, lots of great folks in the military. Though I think most of the people who worked with me would say I was not a fun person.”
“Are soldiers supposed to be fun?”
She chuckled. “I assure you fun can be had, but probably not if you worked under me. I was very serious.”
“And you’re not now?”
She seemed to think about that for a moment. “I don’t know. I’m trying. Not to be less serious but to find more joy. That’s what my therapist says. I need to be more open to joy. It turns out it is possible to fear happiness.”
He’d never heard it put that way before. He stopped and stared at her for a moment. “Why would you fear happiness?”
“Because I don’t understand it. Because it’s not my default state. I think I distrust the emotion,” she explained.
“Huh. I need to think about that. That’s kind of deep.”
“You think so? It seemed pretty apparent to me once I thought about it. I have now spent almost eight months in therapy, and if I’ve learned anything at all, it’s that fear is pretty much at the heart of everything that drags us down as human beings.”
“I thought it was anger. For me, that is.”
“See, anger is how some people process fear. Most people, really. Not like normal irritations,” she continued. “Like if I’m mad at the dude who cut me off, that’s irritation. Anger, though, is different. It’s funny how much easier it was to deal with life once I started using the proper names for things.”
“So you think that the low level of rage I walk around with all the time is actually fear.” He finished off the final screw.
And she stepped back, a bit of trepidation in her eyes now. “Well, I’m not a therapist myself. I’m sure you know your own feelings.”
He softened his expression because even he could see she was anxious now. She’d likely tried this new information out on people—men, mostly—who got offended with simple truths. He knew some men who got their backs up the minute anyone said they could possibly have ever felt fear. “Not at all. You’ve kind of blown my mind, and I need to think about what you’ve said. It makes sense. Now let’s see if we can get you back in the shower and maybe the day will turn around.”
“Thanks.” That momentary wariness was gone again.
He turned on the shower and the head held. “You’re all set. I’ll let you get back to your day.”
“Thank you. Uhm, I’ll be around for a couple of days. Maybe a week,” she said. “If you want to talk more. Maybe have dinner. With your partner, of course.”
