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I buried my face in his shoulder and sobbed.
“Bex, please don’t cry.”
“Cayman, I can’t…”
“Just say it, my darling. Whatever it is.”
“I can’t do this…”
“Do what?”
I shook my head, unable to say the words. IknewI couldn’t beg him to stay here with me, but it’s what I wanted. I wanted to yell and scream, pummel him with my fists, and demand he not break his promise to me. But I also knew that if there was a chance they could catch Moretti, it was what he had to do. Not just for me, but for the other women who’d been held captive, some tortured, some beaten, some dead. How many times had Moretti done this very thing? Lured women to a remote island, held them prisoner, then auctioned them? The thought sickened and terrified me.
Something else occurred to me. Cayman would be in danger.
My God, if anything happened to him…I tore from his arms and ran toward the hillside, sobbing harder than before. I couldn’t lose Cayman.Couldn’t.
I spun back around, wiping my tears. My words fired like a stream of bullets. “Don’t. Go. Don’t leave. I’m begging you. Send someone else, Cay.Do not leave me.”
The pain I saw on his face gave me the answer I knew he couldn’t.
16
CAYMAN
Nothing had ever ripped me to pieces like Bexli was now. Not even when I couldn’t decide whether to do things my way—bid on her to keep her safe—or do what I now knew in my heart was right and go with the team to rescue her, had I felt this way.
More than anything, I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her I’d do as she begged me to. Say that I’d give it all up for her. I’d spend the rest of my days making sure she felt safe. Maybe she could never love me the way I loved her, but I’d made a vow to her years ago to protect her. Wasn’t that more important than a job?
Bexli had no one else. Inside my house were a dozen people who could handle the op, apprehend Mithras, and put an end to his reign of terror. They didn’t need me the same way she did.
I could do exactly as my father had done. Manage our holdings and dabble in things I knew Bexli was interested in, like Dad did with Mum. Art, design, her horses. He lived a happy and full life. I knew so because he’d said it countless times. But was he truly happy? Was he fulfilled? Was he satisfied with living his life more for another person than for himself? Was that what marriage was? Giving up your own life in order to make the person you loved happy?
Marriage wasn’t in the cards for us, though. Bexli didn’t see me as a lover. I was her friend. Her best friend. Could that be enough for me? Did I love her enough to spend every day with her and not touch her the way a husband touches a wife? Not kiss her? Make love to her? In essence, I’d live a monk’s existence. Could just being with her be enough?
What if it wasn’t? What if I did all that, gave everything up, and Bexli left me? Married another man. Had a family with him. My life would mean nothing.
There was a reason I’d attended Sandhurst. A reason I’d continued to Fort Monckton and trained to work for His Majesty’s Secret Service. I’d made a vow to the Crown too. To the men and women I served with. More, I’d made a vow to myself.
I turned around when I heard Ares call my name a second time.
“There’s an update. You’re needed inside,” he hollered.
“I’ll be back,” I said, looking over my shoulder at Bexli. Was it my imagination that she’d whispered the words, “I won’t be here”? They’d sounded more like they were spoken only in my mind, not from her lips.
I followed Ares through the door. Nem was on a videoconference with Oleander and Poseidon.
“We’re on our way to Sharm el-Sheikh. My sources have positively ID’d Mithras. He’s there.”
“Have overheads confirmed this?” I asked.
When no one else responded, Oleander did. “Overheads are not the only source of intelligence, Cayman. The mission is to capture Mithras. The op is happening now. I’m requesting assistance from your task force as well as the others. If you’re challenging me, you can step the fuck aside and the rest of us will get the job done.”
The screen darkened. It could be a lost connection, but more likely, O had ended the call.
“Come with me,” said Ares, motioning for me to follow him out of the room. “You wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?” he said once we were in the solarium with the door shut.
“What the fuck is going on is I’m asking the questions that need to be asked. Oleander wants Mithras’ head on a stake. She’ll do anything to catch him. Someone needs to make sure the op she’s forcing us to deploy is viable.”
