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I half-laugh. But damn if I’m not socked with a touch of euphoria. My little observational experiment indicates an active VTA in my proximity. “I find working out makes everything sharper and improves my focus. For a surgeon, that’s important. So, I make time. I schedule it.”
She nods, all doe-eyed, and those top teeth sink into her lower lip. My cock twitches below my towel.
“You obviously work out, too.”
“Well, I mean, until recently, I had a barn to take care of. Still have a lot of grass to cut and yard work to do.”
“Hhmmm.” The thin cotton of her pajama top hints at the shape of her areolas with the darker shade showing through.
“And I do yoga and Pilates. We offer those classes in my Austin location. So…” She tilts her head like that answers everything. A loose strand crosses her cheekbone, and I brush it away with my thumb.
“Why do you want a child?”
She leans back on her arms, palms flattened behind her, creating space between us. “It probably seems silly. Especially to someone who doesn’t want children. But I’ve always wanted to be a mother. It’s just, something…” She pushes up and leans over her legs, bent at the waist, gaze dropped to the floor. “Who knows? Maybe because I didn’t really have a mom, I focus on it more. My favorite pretend game growing up was with my babydolls.” She clucks her tongue. “You’d think the craving would diminish the older I got, but it’s only intensified. Maybe it’s hormonal. After Henry and now Polly… I just want to try. If it doesn’t happen, I’ll be okay. I’ll survive. But I want to try.”
“Polly was like your baby.” She nods. I try to register Henry. The name sits on the fringe of my brain, familiar, but… “And Henry?”
“The little boy I took care of.” That’s right. Mom mentioned him. She’d become a foster parent.
“I have all this love inside me, and I want to give it to someone. It’s lonely in that house by myself.” She sits straighter and smiles, but the smile doesn’t fit. She’s attempting to be her upbeat self, but her glassy blues undermine her effort.
“Being lonely probably isn’t the best reason to have a child.” I don’t mean it as a slight to her. To be honest, I find it difficult to comprehend why anyone would want to have a child. It’s so much responsibility.
“I’m not lonely.” The indignation in her expression effectively scolds me. “That’s not what I meant. I decided years ago I’m better off without a man. And I mean it. Don’t look at me like that, Ian. I mean it. Really. And, you know, a child might not be in the cards for me. It’s not a done deal. I waited to the point that it might not even be possible. I don’t really know. But I just want to try. Deep in here.” She flattens her palm against her breastbone. “I feel a need. I can’t really describe it. But it’s like… it’s like my soul is speaking to me and telling me that this is the time for me to try. That there’s someone I haven’t met yet who will be the most important thing in the world to me, and I’ll be the most important thing in the world to her. But only if I try.” She falls back on the bed and places the back of her hand over her eyes. “You probably think I’m crazy. Talking about the soul doesn’t jibe with your analytical mind.”
“Sunny, I understand.” I wrap my hand over the curve of her thigh to assure her.
“Really?”
“Sure. A similar perspective isn’t required for understanding.” I squeeze her knee. “Listen to me, and then I’m going to go get dressed. You don’t need to respond. But I want you to give what I say consideration, okay?”
She lifts her hand off her face and looks me over. Her gaze falls to my chest, then lifts quickly back to my face. I purposefully keep my stoic doctor face on and refuse to smirk.
“I’ve been thinking nonstop about this. Ever since you said the first donor didn’t take. Well, maybe even before then. I want to be the father of your child. I want to give this to you. It would be an honor to give this to you. And if you want me to pose as a friend, as an uncle, or whatever you choose, I’m good with that. I can be there with you every step of the way. Through the pregnancy—”
“I might not get pregnant.”
“Through it all, I can be there for you. Through the difficulties and the uncertainty. I can promise you no one will comb through the medical aspects more thoroughly than me. And if you want to it to be a secret, I’ll take it to the grave.” She doesn’t know exactly how good I am at keeping secrets. “Just promise me you will give it consideration.”
She slowly nods, and I rise from the bed. That conversation felt heavier than I intended, and somehow, by saying the words out loud, the truth in them reverberates through me like a punch to the gut.
I entered the guest room with a towel wrapped around my waist and a juvenile curiosity about whether Sunny found me attractive. Yes, I want to help my friend. But mostly, I was curious. My teen self is inquisitive.
But as I exit the guest room, the pressure in my chest drives home the truth. I really want this. If she’s going to have a baby, I want it to be mine with a bone-deep desire.
But there’s no point in delving into it further. I put it all out there for her consideration, and the decision is hers.
ChapterEleven
Sandra
Last Year in June
My thumb grazes Paul Rudd’s messy hair, which strikes me as similar to Ian’s. Only Ian’s is slightly longer on top and flaunts golden highlights.People Magazinehas Paul Rudd in a leather jacket. It’s an old issue from last November. Just one of the many dog-eared copies lying around the salon.
Paul’s hot, but I bet if they had a photo of him shirtless, he wouldn’t rank anywhere close to Ian. A sweaty, shirtless Ian with low-slung gym shorts. Gah. What a beautifully proportioned body. Lean and toned. A vision of my fingers trailing the dips and valleys springs up. That light sprinkling of dark tendrils below his belly button that trails lower…I lift the magazine to fan myself. Jesus, I might be going through early menopause.
It’s been one week since my visit to Houston. Flashes of sweaty Ian haunt me. Well, the images rotate between sweaty, shirtless Ian and night club Ian. And then sometimes those images blend with our New Year’s kiss, that slow, drugging kiss that tuned out everyone and everything. A kiss that left me gasping for air and had my heart beating double-time.
