AllFreeNovel
Share Us
My feet drop like lead as I enter the gym. Sandra pretended to be asleep this morning. For the first time since we began this whole adventure together, attempting to get her pregnant the all-natural way, we slept apart with several feet between us on the bed. Our conversation at dinner was beyond stilted. The waitperson picked up on the tension and couldn’t get away from us fast enough. I didn’t push it. Why would I? What was there to say?
I don’t need to hear her tell me what I already perceive.
Our entire plan had been foolhardy. Selfish on my part because I wanted sex. But not selfish in that I wanted to fulfill Sunny’s dreams. I wanted to be the man to give her what she wanted most in the world. And maybe, after almost nine months of trying, it’s apparent I can’t give her that. Regardless of all of Dr. Malpani’s fertility tests, maybe the fact Sunny still isn’t pregnant is the universe’s way of slapping us both and telling us we are out of our minds with this preposterous plan we concocted.
Last night, a disturbing thought came to me, and now I can’t get it out of my head. Every time she was with me, was she imagining my brother? Sam and I aren’t twins, but you can see the family resemblance. She was my fantasy. Was I a substitute for hers?
Am I so conceited and cocky I never considered this possibility? I went into this pursuing a teen fantasy. And I never once thought she might pursue her own little fantasy? How much of a fool could one man be? It never once occurred to me that while I was fucking her, she was closing her eyes and pretending I was Sam. My older brother. The one who has always done everything better than me. Of course, she’d want him. Her first love. Her first everything.
I only thought about what I wanted. How I wanted her. Always had. She was the quote-unquote pin-up of my youth. The elusive woman I’d been too young to pursue and could only fawn over.
I should’ve left that woman in my past. Not invited her into my home in Houston and offered my contributions to her dreams. Dreams she dictated I would not be a part of after the contribution part ended. Once she conceived, she wanted no one to know. God forbid anyone know the youngest Duke son fathered her child. Ah, the mortification.
I swing the glass door of the gym open, ready to stalk back to the one punching bag hanging in the weight section of the two-room gym.
“Hey. Ian.”
I scan the room until I locate Sam. Sweat drips from his brow. The treadmill under his feet slows, and his feet stagger as the machine liltingly crawls to a stop.
“Hey.” I awkwardly rub the back of my neck.Fuck. So much for unleashing my fury on a punching bag. Sam will read into it. “I’m gonna go lift.”
“I’ll spot you.”
I lift my shoulders in the slightest of shrugs and plow forward to the narrow doorway that leads into the room with all the weights and a few well-selected weight machines.
Sam catches up with me, and his hand clasps my shoulder. I shrug his hand away and regret it the second I do. He’s not the guilty party. Sure, I’m pissed he showed up, but he’s simply playing his big brother role. One he’s always taken pretty seriously, and like everything else in his life, pretty much mastered. You can’t hate a guy for that.
“So, you and Sandra?” He raises an eyebrow and gives me this grin I don’t quite understand.
“It’s not like that.” The denial is automatic. If my brain had kicked in, I wouldn’t lie to Sam. But I’ve been lying to everyone for almost a year. Each lie lays the groundwork for another lie. It’s automatic. And it’s not who I am. Or at least, it’s not who I want to be.
“Hey.” He holds one palm up, fingers spread out, that damn grin still on his face. “All I’m saying is, if it was like that, it’s not a big deal.”
I cross my arms over my chest and stare at his dusty running shoes.
“At one point, I thought Ollie and Sandra were together. Didn’t bother me. I mean, I thought it might’ve been a little strange, but I don’t think they were ever together, but… the point is, it didn’t bother me. I mean, if it turns out she’s dated all three of us, that’s a little…”
My fists clench, and blinding fury comes out of nowhere, gripping my torso and raising my pulse rate.
“Hey. Chill. I don’t know. I don’t care. That’s the point.” Sam steps closer, his face way too close to mine given the irrational anger ripping through my veins. “Sandra and I were together a lifetime ago. I think the only people who haven’t let go of that relationship is our family. And I need to make this clear. You’re my brother. You’ll always be my brother. No matter what. If you and Sandra make each other happy, I’m cool. All I want is for you to be happy. I’m happy. I love my life. Love my wife and kids. I want the same for you.”
The black rubber floor has an indentation near the back of his foot, but otherwise the floor is in top condition.
“Ian, if anything’s going on, there’s no reason to hide it. Not from me.” He claims a seat on the bench press, and I step up to the weight bar to spot him. Because he’s my brother. I’ll always spot him.
Sam is right, as always.
“You’re really not pissed?” I can’t help but ask the question.
“Not at all.” He pushes up on the weight bar, and I stand behind him. “I mean, it wasn’t what I was expecting. But, as long as she treats you right.”
He lowers the bar. The iron clangs. Our brotherhood is intact. But damn if I don’t feel like a total shit.
I’ve more or less catered to her viewpoints, letting her keep everything a secret because it was easier to agree than to fight her. But do I really think my parents will give a damn? No. Did I really think Sam would care? When he’s happily married with kids and zero plans to return south? No. Not really.
It wasn’t something I wanted to cop to, but it’s not like their break-up is fresh.
What all this comes down to is Sandra. She’s the one who hasn’t let it go. She’s the one who harbors feelings for Sam. The girl I fell for, the one I wanted to be the mother of my children, if I really spell it out, harbors feelings for my brother. My kick-ass, older brother who dropped out of college and created a billion-dollar company by the age of twenty-five. My oldest brother who has always been better at sports than me, better at riding horses, prom king, soccer captain, motherfucking Mr. Cupid, head of the robotics club, could climb higher in a fucking tree—I mean, of course she can’t get over him. Who could?
