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“It’s a recipe and a spell for a potion, one that I will drink tonight to make all my problems go away.”
“I still don’t understand,” he says, displaying his hands in a show of confusion. “Why not get black-out drunk?”
I get to my feet and walk over to a music box that sits on top of the piano in the corner. I open up the music box and the ballerina on top does a little twirl, followed by a few haunting notes. A sad tune for a lonely ballerina. I reach in and take out a black vial that feels shockingly cold in my hands.
I turn and display it to him carefully, sure that it stays far out of his reach, even if he were to move fast. “A spell of erasure. A spell for forgetting. A way for me to live again without any memory of Dahlia.”
His mouth drops open for a moment. “You’re going to erase her from your memory?”
He looks so horrified that it’s almost comical.
“Yes,” I say simply. “It’s the only way to make the pain go away. It’s the only way to be free of her and what I did to her.”
He shakes his head, getting to his feet, and the demon suddenly growls, low, raspy, and menacing. I hold the vial close to me just in case, even though Solon stays where he is.
“Valtu. Listen to me. We all go through shit in life. Some of us more than others, but believe me when I say that what I went through wasn’t a walk through the park either. I was a monster.”
“And so am I,” I seethe. “We all have our battles. I know yours but this is mine and you can’t possibly know what it’s like to have had a love like Mina’s and Lucy’s and Dahlia’s and have that love ripped from you each and every time. You can’t know what it’s like to have killed—”
“But I do know!” Solon yells. “I killed my first love and then countless others after, and I had to live with it. We all have to live with our choices, whether we meant to do it or not. That’s how the world works. That’s how we learn. That’s how we stay human.”
“Human?!” I scoff. “Are you kidding me? We aren’t human, Solon, and it’s a mistake to aspire to be one. We are vampires. We are killers.”
“Then we should be making peace with that fact,” he counters. “Not erasing it. Don’t do this, Valtu. Dahlia doesn’t deserve that.”
“Does it matter what she deserves!?” I cry out, rage and grief crawling out of my chest. “What about what I deserve? She’s dead. She’s dead and I’m here andIhave to live with it. More than that, I have to live with it forever! I’m tired of living with this grief. I’m so fucking tired, Solon. It’s either this or I’m walking straight into a fire, because I can’t go through this pain any longer. I just can’t.”
“It’s a coward’s way out,” he says grimly, eyes burning.
“Then I’m a coward,” I say. And I know it’s true. I know I am. But the idea of being free from this weight, from these shackles, means I will gladly accept that title. “But at least I will be free.”
“You’ll lose all your humanity,” he warns. “I know you just said it doesn’t matter, that we shouldn’t be like the humans, but we need to be, at least a little bit. If Dahlia and Mina and Lucy cease to exist in your life and in your memory, you will lose every part of you that has made you what you are. Every good part. She gave you goodness, Valtu. She gave you love. She made you care, she exercised your heart. If you erase all of that then you’ll be…”
“Soulless?” I venture. “Nothing but a monster? I’m already those things, Solon. The difference is this time I won’t be suffering any longer.”
He shakes his head. “No. No, this is a mistake. This is a big mistake.”
I give him a wan smile. “If it is, will it make a difference to me? No. She’s dead and I need her to let me go. This is the only way I can let her go.”
And even though I was planning to do it tonight alone, even though I planned to think about it a little more, I pop open the vial.
“Hoc carmine te deleo, amorem deleo et incipio,” I say, reciting the spell I had memorized by heart. “Tersus. Tersus. Aeternum.”
“Valtu, no!” Solon yells and he’s coming toward me.
But I’ve already tipped the contents of the vial down my throat.
Chapter9
Rose
NOW
Soft murmurs of German fill my head followed by, “Miss? Can you put your shade up? We’re landing soon.”
I stir, my eyes opening slowly. I look up to see the stern-faced flight attendant gesturing to the shade at my window seat.
I nod. “Freilich,” I say, the German naturally slipping out of me, courtesy of both Mina and Dahlia knowing German, and fumble to raise up the window shade. Neither the god-awful bright light nor my use of German has put a smile on her face as she carries down the aisle.
