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I blink at him in disbelief, trying to find the words. He’s excusing himself. He’s making it sound like killing him was the noble thing to do, ignoring the fact that he got his demon to abduct this boy and bring him here so we could feed.
“You’re a monster!” I scream at him.
His features harden, eyes turning to ice. “Isn’t that why you’re here? To fuck a monster? Or to become one yourself?”
Fire rages through me and I turn on my heel and run, my footsteps echoing against the stone. I go to the stairs, then up them to the second floor, needing to clear my head, to scream, to come to terms with what he did, what I just did.
He’s a monster, but now I’m one, too.
I run through the music mezzanine and straight to the shuttered doors that lead to outside, then fling them open and stumble out onto the balcony.
I’m met with a rush of snow, the wind driving it hard into an arctic swirl of white. I run to the edge, to the railing, wanting the vertigo to bury everything else I’m feeling. My hands clasp the stone railing and I stare out into the white nothingness. It’s cold, even for a vampire, and I welcome it, needing it to cleanse me of my sins.
I open my mouth and scream, letting out all the horror I just witnessed.
I scream for all the deaths I’ve had to go through, all the lives I’ve lost, the women I’ve been.
I scream for the pain in my heart that I know will never go away so long as Valtu doesn’t know who I am.
And I scream because the man I loved has become a man that feels so easy to hate.
“What are you doing?” Valtu’s voice breaks through my anguish and he grabs me roughly by the arm, spinning me around until he has me pinned back against the railing.
I cry out, painfully aware of how high up we are, how easily I could just fall backward over the railing and fall through a blizzard to my death, or something even worse than death.
“Get a hold of yourself,” he says and through the passing white flakes I see the worry in his eyes, like he thinks I’ve actually gone mad. Maybe I have. Who could blame me after all I’ve been through? Only a fucking mad woman would end up here with him.
“Fuck you,” I practically spit at him.
“Yeah, that’s just what I was thinking,” he growls.
Before I can say anything else, he’s kissing me again. It’s a brutal, punishing kiss, one that I feel all the way to my toes, and I try to put my palms against his shoulders to get leverage but his mouth overtakes mine. His hands slip to the hem of my dress and he hikes it up to my waist, all while pressing me even harder against the railing.
Then he’s lifting me up, so the railing is no longer supporting my back and I feel the dizzying drop of space behind me.
I gasp and he buries it with his lips while one hand goes to my upper back, holding me in place, and the other unzips his pants.
“You’re here to fuck the monster, aren’t you?” he rumbles against my mouth, his lips and teeth trailing roughly along my jaw. “Isn’t that what we are?”
I push against his chest, trying to break the kiss, but his grip is too strong. My heart is pounding against my ribs, not just from the height but because of all the emotions whirling through me, pummeling my heart like the blizzard.
I love him. I loved him. I hate what he’s become.
I hate that he’s right, that I am a monster too, and that terrifies me because I don’t want to be like him. The Valtu I loved had his darkness but he was also filled with light and I am so terrified that I won’t find that with him, not here and not with this life.
It’s breaking my heart into pieces.
“Tell me you want this,” he says, positioning his cock at my entrance. “Tell me you still want me despite everything I’ve done.”
“Or what?” I say, trying to hold onto his biceps, the fear of falling making the edges of my vision blur. “Or you’ll let go? Or you’ll kill me too? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? You’d like to just let go and never have to see me again.”
It’s a rhetorical question but he stares at me in such a way it’s like he’s actually seeing it happen. A faint look of horror comes across his brow.
“The darkness in me calls to the darkness in you,” he says roughly, and I have to bite my lip from crying at hearing those words out loud. “If you want me, you’ll want me as I am, right here, right now.” He brings his face in closer until I can see the gold flecks in his eyes. “So, do you?”
I search those eyes, looking for a sign that the man I love is still there, that he’s worth fighting for.
I’m not sure if I find him.
