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He gives me a curious look. “The body? There is no body left. It will have been disposed of by now.” He clears his throat and he quickly loses his impassioned look, composing himself. “I should go downstairs and clean up the rest of the mess.”
His dark eyes pierce into mine and I know he’s wondering if I’ll join him.
But I need time to be alone, to think.
“I think I’ll head to bed,” I tell him.
There’s a flash of disappointment on his face and then it’s gone, his face beautiful but blank. “Then I shall see you in the morning,” he says, his voice clipped.
He turns and strides off across the mezzanine, disappearing down the stairs.
I glance over at the darkened hallway that leads to my room and sigh. Even though I do want to be alone, I hate the idea of being alone inthatbedroom. When I’m with Valtu I feel fine, or something close to that, but when I’m alone, everything about this place gives me the creeps. And obviously for good reason.
I tell myself that the bad thing is currently taking care of the boy and that it shouldn’t be bothering me. As if a demon devouring an innocent human is something I can use to assure myself.
But it’s not the bad thing I’m afraid of.
I’m afraid of myself, of my own judgment.
Because that boy I just fed from, that I helped kill, he had a home. He had a family. He had a life and I just…I just ended it. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t think he’d die, my actions led to his death. If Valtu hadn’t stabbed him in the heart, he would have eventually died anyway. I had drained all his blood, sucked him dry.
And it felt good. It felt so damn good to drink from him that it makes me sick.
Who am I? What have I become? No wonder my parents tried so hard to keep the idea of feeding rooms and the old ways out of our lives. They didn’t want me to turn into a monster because they both knew how easy it was to become one.
I make my way down the hall, past the flickering candles on the walls. They never seem to go out, another product of magic inside these walls. I go inside my room and turn on all the lights. Then I strip off my clothes and get in the shower to wash away all the blood but when I finally emerge, I don’t feel any cleaner. I don’t feel any calmer. And now the lights seem too bright, the shadows too dark, and I shut the lights off again, slip into the old Cherry Coke T-shirt I sleep in, and get into bed.
My thoughts eat away at me like termites. I think about my parents. I was too hard on them. I wish I could go back and erase what I said to my mom. I know why she lied about how she became a vampire and I know that my parents did everything they could to protect us. I wish they had told us the truth but, at the same time, I could see how it would be so much easier to just brush it under the rug. Had I not remembered all my lives when I turned, I would be back in Newport right now, drinking from blood bags and popping pills and living a safe and sanitized life. I would have kept my humanity. I wouldn’t have known this hurt, thisshame.
Perhaps it was destiny, though. Maybe each life with Valtu was always nudging me toward my true self, toward that true darkness. Valtu has always been a bit of a bad influence on me. When I was Mina, he charmed me. He wasn’t even a vampire yet—neither of us had any idea of what he would become. But he was one hundred percent him and all that he is. Witty, charming, and leaning on the side of deviant.
As Mina I should have played it safe. I was the general’s daughter after all and I was destined to be with someone that would have pledged allegiance to Russia, someone under my father’s tyrannical influence. But that wasn’t my destiny at all because the moment I laid my eyes on Valtu, a peasant, I knew he would corrupt me. That he would be the answer to everything I had wanted. I was so ready to flee with him, to run away, to give up the safe and secure life I was accustomed to. I would have gone anywhere with Valtu. But we weren’t given much time together in those early days.
As Lucy, I was an upper crust Victorian lady and Valtu pursued me with everything he had. Of course, Valtu knew I was Mina and I didn’t, so he wasn’t taking no for an answer when it came to me. He knew I would be his. Meanwhile, I barely knew of sex and yet I was willing to let him do anything to me. He pulled loose the threads that held me tightly together, he turned me from a lady to something wild and completely his. Another step toward something feral and free.
Then Dahlia. Oh, Dahlia. I had just one goal. I had one mission. And I threw it all to hell the moment I fell in love with him again. I went from a vampire slayer to a vampire lover in what felt like no time at all, and then he’s the one who ended up killingme. The ultimate corruption.
I let out a heavy breath and sink back into the bed, my emotions pulling me in every which way, like a whirlpool that keeps changing direction.
I must fall asleep with these thoughts in my head because suddenly I wake up.
My eyes snap open and I look around the dark room, feeling the heavy pull of sleep alongside my erratic heartbeat, adrenaline on high alert, wondering what just woke me up.
I hold my breath and listen.
Please don’t let it be the demon, please don’t let it be the demon.
There’s no sound except for the howl of wind outside the window, the patter of thick snow on the pane.
Then I hear it.
Thecreeaaaaaakof the bathroom door.
I watch as it slowly opens.
Opens.
Opens.
