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“I became numb to it,” I confess. “I didn’t fight it. I didn’t protest. I was numb. I let it happen, let them do whatever they wanted to. I just took it all.”
She shakes her head. “You did what you had to do to survive, Teagan. Had you not, you would have been dead. You are a survivor. No matter what. You didn’t ask those fucking assholes to hurt you, and just because you didn’t fight it, it doesn’t mean you wanted it.”
“That’s what Crunk told me,” I whisper, the coldness seeping deeper into my veins. “He said I loved it so much he wanted to share.”
She swallows hard, her head shaking, tears in her eyes.
“The four men took their turns, some at the same time. I don’t remember much of it. It’s like my mind has blocked it out.”
“That may be for the best,” she tells me. “I wish I couldn’t remember what happened. It’s not just the memories that are the worst. It’s the feeling of being unworthy and dirty.”
“Yes,” I say shakily. “That dirtiness never seems to fade, no matter how many times I scrub myself clean.” I remember the morning I woke up in the clubhouse after Jade and Kelvin found me. I spent over an hour in the shower just scrubbing my body, trying to not only take the feel of the men off me but also to try and warm up.
“It will,” she assures me. “You’ll realize that you’re not dirty, Teagan, that you’re amazing. That you’re a diamond in the rough. And when you finally realize that you’re a smart, beautiful woman, that rough diamond is going to shine.”
She has so much faith in me, and I just don’t see it that way. I guess I have a ways to go until I can find peace in who I am and what’s happened.
“Have you told Lena all of this?” she asks, pulling my mind out of my thoughts.
I shake my head. “Not yet.”
“You should. Lena will help you through all this. Not only her, but Portia, Elio, and I. We’re all here. Lean on us whenever you need us.”
It’s a lot easier said than done. Sometimes I don’t even trust myself, let alone anyone else.
“How do I trust people?” The only ones who had my trust were Portia and Nell. Now they’re both gone.
“It takes time, and I hope that one day, you’ll trust me and Elio. How are you dealing with the thought of Portia leaving?”
My heart begins to pound at the thought. “I’m happy for her. It’s been something she’s wanted to do for a while and was just too scared to do so. I think meeting me and then losing Nell was the push she needed.”
She gives me a bright smile. “You made an impact on their lives. Both women love you. Nell especially. From everything that Portia’s said, Nell was living her dream, Teagan, a dream she never thought would happen, and because of your love and kindness, you gave it to her.”
“I’m also the reason she’s dead.”
“Bullshit,” Jade fires back. “I know that no matter what I’m going to say, you’re not going to believe me. It’s going to take time to realize that what happened to Nell was a tragedy, Teagan, something that should never have happened, but it wasn’t your fault.”
“I’m happy for Portia,” I say, changing the subject back to the original question.
She gives me a knowing look but thankfully doesn’t call me out on it. “I think she’ll excel at it. She’s working for Kelvin. He’s got an office in Jefferson City and is looking to expand his business there.”
“You all seem to get around,” I say. My cheeks heat instantly as I realize just how rude that came out.
Thankfully, Jade laughs. “Tell me about it. My family are breeding like rabbits. I’ve lost count of all the cousins I have at this stage. Chloe’s one of eight children and her older brothers and sister all have kids too.”
I swallow hard at the name. Chloe was the girl who was in the basement in the clubhouse. “How is she?”
She gives me a small smile. “Better,” she says. “I believe she’s been asking after you also. Although she didn’t know your name, she said that you helped her, that you washed her.”
I nod. “I hated what they did to her. I knew they were hurting her, but I didn’t know what else they were doing to her. I was scared they were doing what they did to me, but they didn’t. What they did was bad, but not as bad as what it could have been.”
Jade agrees. “It could have been so much worse. Thank you, Teagan, for helping her. I can’t begin to understand how hard it must have been for you to show someone else your secret. But thank you for helping my cousin.”
“You would have done the same,” I whisper, not liking the praise. I didn’t really do much other than wash her. The men had come all over her, and I knew that if I didn’t help her get clean, she’d be sticky and feel dirty, and I didn’t want her to feel that on top of everything else she was going through.
‘“Perhaps,” she says. “But not everyone would have.”
The front door opens, and Elio walks in. My heart pounds like never before. I watch his every step, my gaze roaming over him, checking to ensure he’s okay.
