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She turns and looks at me over her shoulder. With rosy cheeks and snowflakes in her hair, she looks like any other girl her age. Only, I can see the darkness swirling in her eyes, consuming her from within.
“I thought this would be easier.”
“Maybe it’s hard because it’s not supposed to be this way. You’re destined for great things, Lena. I can promise you that.”
“Why did this happen to me? What did I do that was so bad?”
“Nothing. God, sweetheart, you did nothing wrong.”
“Yeah, then why does it feel like I did?”
She scratches at her arm, and I see red marks all over them. “I can’t get it out.”
“Get what out, Lena?” I ask softly, inching closer.
“The dirt. I can’t get the dirt out. I thought if I scrubbed hard enough, I’d be clean again, but it’s inside me. It’s infected my blood.”
My insides are ripped to shreds knowing this girl needs more help than I alone can give her. “You’re not dirty. You’re so bright it almost hurts my eyes to look at you.” I hold up my palm and catch snow. “You’re like this snowflake. Perfectly beautiful, exactly as you are.”
“You can’t see what’s inside me, but I can feel it. It’s bad. I need to clean it out.”
“Then let me help you. We’ll go down to the ocean and swim until the dirt drifts out to sea.”
“You’d do that?”
“I’ll do anything you ask me to.”
“Will you forgive me?” she whispers, her tears dripping off her chin, melting the snowflakes on her skin.
“There is nothing to forgive.”
She smiles sadly. “I’m sorry.” She takes a step back and falls.
I don’t think, I just act and throw myself over the edge as screams erupt behind me. I grab the edge of Lena’s hospital gown. The stupid thing tears a moment before a hand wraps around my ankle, and I smack into the side of the building with a painful thud.
Lena hits the ground, landing on her back with her legs bent at an awkward angle, her arms splayed on either side of her, an almost serene smile on her face as blood pools around her body. Hands pull me back as I take one last look at Lena. The white snow mixes with the red blood, making it look almost like she has pink—
A sob escapes me. Before I know it, I’m screaming and punching and kicking at Rémy, who is trying to contain me. All I can see is Lena, the broken girl who wanted to be an angel. And her pretty pink wings.
CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE
Isit in the chair near the fire with a blanket around my shoulders and hot tea in my hands, but still, I can’t get warm. I remember my father sitting in this same chair when I was a child and me crawling into his lap. The second he wrapped his arms around me, I knew everything would be alright. God, what I wouldn’t give to have that same innocent naivety today.
I wince as I shift, my body aching from where it collided with the wall. My ankle took the brunt. Rémy had circled around the roof to come at Lena from a different angle when I followed her over the edge. Somehow, he managed to catch me out of the air as I fell. Everyone is at the hospital watching the rest of the kids. It was the only way I’d agree to go home and rest.
I should have known that Maxim, Calix, and Rémy wouldn’t leave me alone. Not that it matters. They’re pissed at me—hell, everyone is pissed. I get it. What I did was reckless, but it wasn’t a conscious thought. My body was moving before my brain could kick into gear. It was instinctual to save her and, in a way, myself. But I failed, just like I did back then.
I feel them enter the room, but I don’t look up. Their emotions beat at me viciously, flaying the skin from my bones. I don’t try to justify my actions. Don’t offer them false apologies or pretty promises. If it had been one of my girls, I’d have lost my damn mind. Yet knowing this, I can’t drag myself out of the despair holding me captive. It holds me tight in its icy fists and refuses to let me go, unable to swim from the depths to the surface to breathe again. Instead, I’m stuck in the darkness, surrounded by my ugly thoughts and my guilt.
I’m pulled out of my grief by a hand in my hair, twisting my head almost painfully. My eyes meet Rémy’s livid ones as he drags me from the chair to my feet.
“You stupid, stupid woman,” he snarls.
Maxim and Calix step up beside him, their arms crossed over their chests in an almost comical mirror image of each other. The three of them make an odd group. They might not be trying to kill each other right now, thanks to their focus and their combined anger being aimed at me, but they’ll never be friends. All that links them is death and chaos, and now me.
I open my mouth, but words won’t come. I don’t know that if it happened again, I would do anything different. Maybe I wasn’t meant to save Lena, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t put on this earth to save the dozens of other girls that came before her. Girls I saved because I reacted on instinct. It’s the same feeling that made me fly back to Lollie the day she slashed her wrists. If I had listened to reason or told myself I was being stupid, she wouldn’t be here right now, and Icarus, Talon, and Sawyer wouldn’t have that beauty in their lives to wake up to every day.
I blink, Rémy’s eyes disappearing, and I see a pink snow angel and a serene smile. Yeah, so maybe I wasn’t meant to save her, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have tried. At least she died knowing I cared. Knowing I would have given my life for hers because she mattered that much. I might not be able to give her life, but I gave her peace. And now that she’s safe, beyond any more pain, I’ll carry her demons for her.
